How the Power of Discernment Saved This Woman From a Future of Domestic Servitude

It all started at her boyfriend’s family Christmas get-together.

Photo by Library of Congress on Unsplash

The power of discernment is one of the most important traits you can possess when dating.

In fact, I would say it even surpasses the likes of empathy, humor, or kindness, especially during those early stages when you are still getting to know someone.

While the aforementioned traits make a relationship pleasant, discernment is what makes a relationship safe and ultimately sustainable.

But how do we go about being discerning exactly?

Well, today, I came across a highly instructive example.

It’s a story about a 32-year-old woman and her boyfriend of one year. And it involves a Christmas-themed “meet the family” scenario that forces her into reevaluating the relationship — potentially saving her years, if not decades, of grief down the line.

I have condensed her story for clarity, but you can view the full post in all its originality here:

Last Christmas, my BF Jordan invited me to meet his family.

I was terrified of meeting the family for the first time, but it had to happen eventually.

We got there on the 23rd.

I want to be clear, his family was kind and welcoming. Their home was beautiful, filled with loving family photos and decor everywhere.

The thing that annoyed me at first was how they treated the Mom. She was absolutely delightful. And nobody was mean to her. But after the first dinner, I realized how traditional everything was. She prepared the meal, set the table, and cleaned up while everyone else went to the living room to watch a movie.

For some background, I was raised in a tiny religious town with assumed gender roles. The religion was pretty sexist, too, and I was parentified as the oldest of 5.

Growing up, I read a lot in my free time, which made me more open-minded, so I knew this kind of lifestyle wouldn’twork for me.

Jordan always understood this, but I admit we never had a strict conversation about it. (To me, a year of dating was still kind of early to decide on forever.)

Anyway, besides the issue with the mom, I also got frustrated with how Jordan kinda started acting like a child again.

He would ask his mom for snacks or to get stuff for him. He never once helped with all the work that goes into hosting. Jordan is the middle child, so we’re all adults, but I was the only one helping her with the housework while he did his own thing.

While we were alone in his room at night, he would then talk about how he wanted a home just like his parents’, and how perfect it was.

Like, duh, that’s because you haven’t lifted a finger.

He always helped with odds and ends at my apartment, but now he acted like everything was happening by magic.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was the day after Christmas, when the mom said her favorite tradition was watching”It’s a Wonderful Life.” After dinner, the whole family decided to put it on and watch it without her; she was off cleaning. Like, how messed up is that? Nobody bothered asking her to join.

Again, the mom was lovely the whole time, but going home the next day left a sour taste in my mouth.

Jordan commented, “It seems like you had a great Christmas. This should be what we look forward to in our future,” and I got angry.

I told him he had a great time because he acted like a 12-year-old, while his mommy did all the work. I asked him who was going to make amazing meals, decorate everything, and keep stuff running? He blew it off by saying something like,”It’s not too hard, and you seemed to be having fun. Christmas is about enjoying the small stuff.”

I bluntly told him that I didn’t enjoy it.

And now I’m feeling turned off by him.

I took a week to think it over, but I couldn’t get over this and ended up breaking up with him. He still doesn’t get it and thinks I don’t like his family. — ComfortableEasy7936

Wow, that was quite something. Kudos to ComfortableEasy7936 for accurately clocking the boyfriend like a lie detector in overdrive. These are the five bullshit detection tactics she likely used to see right through him.

1) Pattern recognition: She went in with an unmovable sense of self and knew from history exactly what she wanted out of the relationship. And that was an egalitarian partner. Anything short of that would not do.

2) Separating the signal from the noise: All that lovey-dovey Christmassy bonding didn’t blind her to the reality of what was going on. The boyfriend’s family was as nice as can be, but that was not enough to take away from the fact that the mother was bearing the full brunt of the household labor. She looked past the personalities of the individuals to see the pattern of the lifestyle they represent.

3) Evaluating the evidence critically: Most people would have rationalized the boyfriend’s behavior. “Oh, maybe he is only like that with the family,” or “He didn’t really mean it,” they would have said, but not the original poster. She immediately saw herself in the boyfriend’s mother, and the future that awaited her had she gotten married.

4) Checked assumptions: ComfortableEasy7936 didn’t just sit back and silently judge; she tested her concern by asking him what he thought about his family and got the answer she needed.

5) Slowed down before acting: She took a week to mull things over before ending the relationship. No acting a fool, no confronting the men, or attempts at engaging in long-winded debates with the mother on the merits of her exploitation; instead, she chose to maintain the focus entirely on her non-negotiable needs.

That’s how you practice the power of discernment.

Some might say she was too harsh by breaking up with him and that she should have given him a chance, but I don’t see it that way.

The fact that the boyfriend still didn’t get the unfairness of women doing all the household labor, even as he was getting dumped, says it all. There was not even a modicum of an attempt at understanding her perspective; his only concern was maintaining the status quo, so he was never going to change.