Choosing Not to Have Children Was One of the Best Decisions I Ever Made

I never looked back

Image by Jill Wellington from Pixabay

I was of childbearing age in the late 70s and 80s. All of my friends were having children. It seemed like the default and not so much an active choice. You just did it. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. It was the way it was back then — a sort of rite of passage.

Not giving it much thought, I figured that I, too, would have children — eventually. By my early 30s, I realized I was not getting any closer to doing so. My friends would say things like:

• You just haven’t found the right guy.
• Think of what you’ll be missing if you don’t.
• You’re not getting any younger.
• Who’s going to take care of you when you get old? (That one really bothered me.)

A simple, “You’ll know when the time is right,” would have sufficed.

My mother and siblings never asked me when I was going to have children or why I didn’t. The three oldest in the family had children; the three youngest didn’t. I appreciated that they didn’t try to engage in “why not?” discussions. They quietly respected my decision.

Sometimes I find that actions (or lack of) speak louder than words. Something happened when I wasn’t doing anything about having children.

I was enjoying my independence. I could come and go as I pleased. And I did.

Unlike my friends, I didn’t have to worry about childcare or who would babysit the kids if I went out for an evening. I didn’t have to put money aside for my children’s college educations.

I wasn’t in the least bit envious of my friends who had children. I got to enjoy them, but I could leave them behind at the end of the evening.

I felt unencumbered and enjoyed my freedom. I could spend my time in ways I wanted to, when I wanted to. I could travel at a moment’s notice, or meet a friend for coffee on a Saturday or a glass of wine after work, without any thought.

I could go for walks and bike rides when I felt like it. I could read a book all day if I wanted to. The possibilities were endless. The beauty was that I didn’t have to plan for any of that. And that was very freeing.

As I was nearing my mid-30s, the question about children wouldn’t go away. It went from “when are you going to?” to “why didn’t you?” It felt like a judgement. I felt like I had to justify a very personal decision, sometimes to people I didn’t even know.

I got tired of their questioning and soon responded, “I had 13 in a previous lifetime.” That ended the conversation. I wish I had thought of that sooner.

I was in my early 30s when I read a quote by Gloria Steinem that really spoke to me:

There is always one true inner voice. Trust it.

Since then and with rare exception, my inner voice has been a guiding light for me. It embodies who I am spiritually. It comes from deep down inside where my soul resides. The key is to listen to it and trust what it has to say, especially when making decisions.

Put away the clutter, put away the expectations, put away the “shoulds,” and listen, really listen. And live your life according to what your voice has to say.

I was 35 when I decided to have my tubes tied, though it was a couple of years earlier when I had reached my decision. But this made it official. I was not going to have children.

I was doing what was right for me. I didn’t grapple with “should I or shouldn’t I?” My heart, body, and soul were all in it together. I had listened to my inner voice.

My independence and freedom were more important to me, and I chose to honor that. Some people probably thought that was selfish, but I didn’t feel that way. Why bring children into this world if you’re not completely committed to nurturing and raising them through to adulthood? At least that was my way of thinking.

All these many years later, I never once looked back and questioned my decision. No regrets. I had time to pursue a career that I was passionate about. I could put in the extra hours if I wanted. I didn’t have to balance my work life along with a family.

I have financial freedom that I probably would never have had with children. I’ve been able to travel and explore other parts of the world. Every year, I enjoy a month-long vacation in the tropics. I don’t have to budget for these things; the funds are there from having saved and invested in my future without having additional family expenses.

Recently, I was in a store the day before Mother’s Day. As I was checking out, the cashier asked how I was going to celebrate. I told her that I didn’t have children. She responded with a sad “I’m sorry.”

When I told her it was by choice, which I now freely say when the topic comes up, she looked puzzled as if not knowing what to do with my response. I smiled and wished her a happy Mother’s Day. I forgot to tell her I had 13 children in a previous lifetime.

Years ago, it seemed like there was a stigma attached to being childless. It never bothered me because I was secure in my decision, just as I am secure in who I am: a 70-year-old woman, happily living life without children.

Check out the Life Without Children list of resources curated specifically for people without children.