Anhedonia

Photo by Lou Batier on Unsplash

i have gazed upon this world finding its landscapes and speaking to its people looking searching — crawling for

pierced into my own selfsame soul finding nothing but the mania — violence necessary to hold all the threads together

what was it i was looking for?

realizing that the mind and soul are two halves of a whole that is never quite complete a project never finished

read sacred texts and profaned it with words that syntaxed nowhere in the hieron — bringing the holy out where it did not belong

what was it i was looking for?

prayed to the saints until my eyes ran raw waiting for the Christ to come and save me from the agonies of my own body

poured over books with enough ink to turn the oceans into night looking for a Concept to bring all of these things together

what was it i was looking for?

contemplated suicide then revolution as if a radical act of violence and erasure could complete the circle we’ve tried that many times — haven’t we?

stood on both sides of political nightmare and seeing either one wanting — a twisted reflection of one in the other — mere domination

what was it i was looking for?

wrote the stories nobody wanted to hear let alone see in the service of keeping the perfect image — curated lives in digital panopticon

fantasized in irreality drooling over copies of copies without any original violating reality that needs a Truth for a lie

what was it i was looking for?

ran ramlike into the promises of numbing the dull ache of eternal want and desiring what i did not desire

meandered the twisted woods looking for a way out of this sick twisted labyrinth condemning me to consciousness

what was it i was looking for?

decade long journey finding nothing other than the thousands of spilled words at a typewriter altar and the dull hope of possibility

what was it i was i became?