Feeling Lost When a Project Ends?

Disorientation, Despair & Depression

Feeling disorientated, despair, and depression when a project, work, life stage, or activity ends is hard.

Despite being common across cultures, this phenomenon is rarely discussed openly.

Source: Imgflip.com — Even Keanu feels low when a movie wraps

Olympian Depression

Did you know it’s common for olympians to sink into a deep depression post-olympics? These athletes have soared high for years, driven each day by the hope of sporting glory. In the space of 2 weeks, they compete, do their best, and then it’s all over. That’s the best case scenario.

Can you imagine the utter heartache of being disqualified?

Retiree Despair

For decades, you show up to work and do a job. If you’re lucky, the actual job is ok, the people are tolerable, and the pay is enough. Finally you are approaching retirement with dreams of freedom, travel, and friendship. Post-retirement; you start to realise and appreciate how you brought stability to life. Weeks, or months later, the quiet creep of despair and anxiety might emerge.

You can’t put your finger on what’s wrong, but you know you’re not ok.

The Empty-Nest Void

One day, you find yourself the parent of a child, maybe two or three. From this moment on, for at least 18 years, your life will intimately revolve around meeting the needs of these growing humans. Yes there will be joy, absolute unparalleled moments of ecstasy. But there’ll probably be more frustration, agitation, and distress. As your child nears their Release Day, you might start to notice excitement and satisfaction.

But when they leave, and the dust settles, an emptiness may converge that some days threatens to suffocate you.

Why Projects Are Fundamental To the Human Experience

Human beings love a good project.

First, I should define what I mean by “project”.

A project is something that holds your attention, effort, and identity long enough to move you from here to somewhere else.

It can be related to work, sport, raising children, maintaining friendships, hobbies, activities; you get the gist.

Projects don’t just fill in time, they organise meaning.

Projects give our life rhythm.

For a time, we get to organise our lives according to a narrative, a story.

During this story, past effort makes sense; future effort is anticipated. The present feels contained.

You have a reason to wake up in the morning, and you have a reason to keep going when it gets hard.

Any fatigue, frustration or sacrifice are endured as part of the process.

Small and big actions alike feel important, and justified.

Throughout the project, you know who you are. Your identity is clear, your path is known.

Most potently, attention gets anchored and you can experience flow. That miraculous feeling of losing yourself in the present moment. Blissfully unaware of what’s coming up next or what needs to be done. The brain loves flow, it feels safe and purposeful.

Maybe your project involves others, and you feel like you belong. You’re not alone.

A project acts as a container. It holds you.

What Happens To Us When the Project Ends?

At first, you feel…

1. Euphoria — Dopamine floods your system, woo! This is the best feeling.

2. Relief — The project is complete. Deep breath The pressure has lifted; your body can take a breath.

3. Pride — You reflect on your work, and feel satisfied.

Eventually, the euphoria, relief & pride make way for…

4. Emptiness — The sudden absence of structure and routine can jar the nervous system.

5. Disorientated — What do I do now? How do I fill my day?

6. Flatness — Emotional numbness. This is a physiological reaction when adrenaline levels drop back to baseline after riding high.

The emptiness, disorientation, and flatness transition to…

7. Physical distress — The brain and body got used to feel good chemicals. When these cease to pump, their absence can be a shock.

8. Restlessness — To ease the discomfort, and seek relief from the distress, your brain will start to seek. It wants to fill the void. The urge to start something new will be strong.

9. Anxiety — Compounding the restlessness will be anxiety. The mind will be overrun with “what now?” questions.

10. Loneliness — If your project involved others, you might feel disconnected or isolated when it finishes.

During the project, fatigue was tolerated because it was written off as a small price to pay for progress. Sacrifices made sense, psychologically levelling up the stakes. The more you sacrifice, the more you hope to reap. But after the project, or work, olympics, hobby, or goal are finished; there is nowhere for all the difficulties to settle. The adrenaline that was keeping you going drops, and your nervous system crashes.

The present moment, once driven and purposeful, now feels empty and directionless.

Waking up, you don’t have that drive to do, listen, talk, and think. It all feels a lot harder. It’s hard to wake up, and wade through quicksand all day.

Anxiety and disorientation, more than anything, threaten to settle in and become your new normal.

The Post-Project Avoidance Strategy

By far the most easily accessible and common strategy to escape post-project discomfort, is to avoid it.

Those who have recently retired will return to the workforce, believing it will cure them of their discomfort and depression.

Those who enjoy ‘doing’, will jump into a new hobby, desperate to recreate the feeling of flow.

Parents will cling to their fledged adult children, or shift their urge to nurture on to animals or other people.

And athletes will set a new performance goal, and launch back in to training tomorrow morning.

There are many practising professionals who will criticise avoidance.

I argue differently.

In the short-term, avoiding the discomfort of these crippling psychological and emotional states can literally be a life-saver. I believe you should commit to whatever gets you out of bed each morning. My suggestion is to choose something small, or short-term. And do so with the full awareness that this is a temporary solution.

You must also do the work to decompress.

Decompression Explained

So you’ve chosen a small project to help tame some of the difficult emotions and physical distress post-project.

This can buy you time and space whilst you concurrently decompress.

What is decompression?

Decompression is the deliberate choice to take time and space to reflect, move slower, and ask less of your brain and body.

If you jump from project to project, without decompression, you run the real risk of burnout or sympathetic dominance.

Both are physiological states of stress that are so disabling, they are more accurately referred to as a serious illness.

Decompressing The Right Way

I’ll admit, Decompression does sound like it belongs in a conversation alongside sound baths and singing bowls. (Incidentally, I’m actually all for sound baths and singing bowls, but that’s beside the point.)

Decompression is best understood using a car metaphor.

Imagine you own a Ferrari.

You take that Ferrari out everyday for 10 hours, foot to the floor, and you fly.

It’s magnificent and you love every minute of it.

Eventually that Ferrari needs to stop, and decompress. Its engine needs to cool, parts need to be replaced, and fuel needs to be topped up.

You, are also a Ferrari. And decompressing for you, is not that different. You need to let your body and brain rest, repair, and refuel.

For some, it is sitting quietly in a beautiful spot, reflecting on the past. Not once, but every day for a month.

It’s walking, strolling through green areas. Listening to the breeze in the trees, a podcast, or a good book.

It’s talking with trusted people (i.e. family, friends, or professional therapists) about the project and journey.

If the decompression process sounds harmonious and restful, that’s because it is, eventually. But to start with, not so much. Your body needs time to recalilbrate it’s hormone (i.e. adrenaline, domaine, cortisol) levels to a new baseline. Your brain also needs time to rewire and habituate new thought patterns. Be forewarned, this can feel physically distressing, but it does ease with time. Weeks generally, months in more severe cases.

If personal experience with projects ending has helped you find effective decompression tools, please share them with us.

Some people swear by daily ice baths (not me, brrr), others can’t get by without their daily Camomile tea.

Me? I like to sit on my deck, listen to the birds, and watch the trees.

[embed]The Pursuit Of Contentment Letting go of the pursuit of happiness, I adjust my compass, and drift towards contentment.medium.com