I rewrote 10 landing pages. What changed and why?

Over a decade of writing and editing copy brings us to the simple mistakes killing your conversions.

True that AI tools for building pages are dime a dozen, and you can probably get a decent, on-brand page up and running in 2–3 hours with a fair bit of prompting and iterations. But why doesn’t it start converting despite being SEO-friendly, AEO and GEO optimized?

I’ve been writing for over 13 years now, first for offline and then digital as mediums and formats changed. I’ve been fascinated by Lovable as an app recently, the sheer possibilities for someone like me with limited design skills and decent copywriting skills is unfathomable.

And yet I’ve been hearding about how many of these sites are not doing the basic job of lead generation and conversion. It couldn’t be about UI/UX, because the interface looks pretty neat and intuitive. So, I dug deeper into the messaging and copy on 10 business websites that had been developed as a test project using Lovable.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

The Rewrite Process I Followed

I started with a framework as old as advertising — what is this, who is it for, what do I do next as a visitor? Here are a few things that came up:

• The Foggy Headline: Sounds impressive but really says nothing
• The Feature Trap: Listing what it is instead of what it does for you
• The Buried Hook: The best line in your storytelling is on paragraph four
• The Vague CTA: “Learn More” and “Get Started” go nowhere for the modern, informed reader
• The Trust Vacuum: No proof, no credibility, no reason to believe the tall claims being made is just insulting your reader’s intelligence

Now let me show you a few examples from the pages I rewrote to give a clearer picture.

1. B2B SaaS Product (Headline) Before: “An AI-powered, end-to-end workflow orchestration platform for modern teams” After: “Stop losing work in the handoff. [Product] keeps every task, update, and deadline in one place.” What changed: Led with the pain point, not the product description. “Workflow orchestration” means nothing to someone at 9pm scrolling through endless product pages.

2. Freelancer/Consultant (Opening Line) Before: “Hi, I’m Sarah. I’m a brand strategist and designer with over 8 years of experience helping businesses grow.” After: “You don’t need more content. You need a clearer story. That’s what I help founders build.” What changed: The original is a CV. The rewrite speaks to the client’s actual problem before introducing the person solving it.

3. E-commerce Product Page (Proof Point) Before: “Made with 400-thread-count Egyptian cotton. Double-stitched seams. Pre-washed for softness.” After: “We get more reorder emails about these sheets than anything else we sell. People buy a second set before the first ones wear out.” What changed: The specs tell you what it’s made of. The proof point tells you what it’s like to own it. Social behaviour is more convincing than thread count.

4. Local Business (CTA) Before: “Get in touch” After: “Book a free 20-minute call — we’ll tell you exactly what your roof needs, no obligation.” What changed: The original asks for commitment with no indication of what happens next. The rewrite removes friction by naming the format, the length, the outcome, and the risk (which is none in this case).

Photo by Pankaj Patel on Unsplash

The Patterns Nobody Talks About

After reading enough landing pages, you start noticing subtler things. Habits that don’t show up on any checklist but are quietly doing damage anyway.

1. Your second sentence matters more than your headline

Everyone agonises over the headline, which makes sense. It’s the first thing people read. But the second sentence is where you actually keep them.

Think of it like a headline + subhead format in a web banner, both do a specific job. The headline creates recognition, the subhead answers the questions and the CTA directs to the action.

Most pages follow a sharp headline with something like “We built [Product] because we believed there had to be a better way.” That’s not an answer. That’s a throat-clear.

2. Passive voice is copy on sedatives

Passive voice doesn’t sound wrong, which is what makes it dangerous. It just sounds… flat. Forgettable. Like a terms and conditions page.

“Orders are processed within 24 hours and customers are notified by email.”

“We process your order within 24 hours and email you the moment it ships.”

Same information. Completely different energy. The first version has no subject — nobody is doing anything. The second has a company that acts and a customer who benefits. That’s a relationship.

3. You’re writing for your industry. Your customer doesn’t work in it.

Jargon. This one is harder to catch by yourself because it doesn’t feel like a mistake. You use the language of your industry because it’s precise, because it signals credibility.

Your customer however doesn’t care about precision. They care about their problem.

• Cybersecurity company: Don’t sell “zero-trust network architecture.” Sell “nobody gets into your systems who isn’t supposed to.”
• Nutritionist: Don’t offer “evidence-based macronutrient optimisation.” Offer to “Help you stop feeling tired by 3pm.”

4. “We” vs. “you”, a simple test that reveals so much more

Take any landing page and count the number of times it says “we” versus “you.” The ratio will tell you almost everything about whose interests the page is really serving.

“We’ve been building software for 15 years. We work with enterprise clients across 30 countries. We’re proud of our award-winning support team.”

That’s three sentences about your company. Your reader has learned nothing about their own situation. Let’s try and flip it.

“You get a support team that picks up in under two minutes — any time, any day.”

Talking about yourself does bring credibility in certain scenarios. But credibility should be in service of the customer’s decision, not a chest thump to your own CV.

A Simple Rewrite Checklist for Your Last Minute Editing

1. Does your headline pass the “so what?” test?
2. Is your first sentence earning the second?
3. Have you named a specific person this is for?
4. Is every feature connected to a human outcome?
5. Does your CTA tell them exactly what happens when they click?
6. Have you given them one reason to trust you before you ask them to act?

Bad copy is rarely the problem, less thought out copy is often what bogs you down. UI/UX tools will be sharper, faster, AI-powered. But conversion copy is an art that you mustn’t let go of. You can have a beautiful website with all the bells and whistles, but if it’s like a Ferrari that can’t be driven on a road with speed bumps and potholes, then you’re doomed to keep it under the tarp in your garage.

If you have examples of your own to share, I’d love to hear about them in the comments.