I Failed to Heed My Own Advice

I had to struggle to find a chemist

The Church of the Saviour on Spilled Blood — My photo

I will tell anyone who asks, as well as people who don’t, “Learn a few words of the language of the country you’re visiting.”

I learned a few words of Russian, which did not help me. In Tallinn, I was staying in a hostel where every morning, pancakes were made for anyone who wanted them. So a few of us sat around the kitchen table chatting and eating the pancakes as they came hot off the griddle. Yum! Two Russian girls were part of the pancake lovers. I learned, yes, no, thank you, dza, nyet, spasibo — not enough to survive if I was thrown in jail. That’s what they sounded like to my Australian ears.

But what I didn’t learn was how to read Russian. I needed to learn a different alphabet — not the abc that I was familiar with at all. So, yes, I flew into Russia, on my own, not knowing how to read a single sign. But I did what I had to do… I figured it out. I learned on the fly. I quickly realised most of the letters could be translated into abc. ресторан — р must be the equivalent of r, с translates to s, н must be an n, and the rest of the letters were the same. Oh, I felt so clever. Now I look at it, it looks ridiculously simple.

It wasn’t at the time. I was struggling with a quad muscle injury from climbing down from the very top of one of the city towers in Tallinn the previous day, pouring rain, and my inability to communicate with a Bolt driver, necessitating me to take a taxi from the airport.

Never, never, ever take a taxi from the airport, any airport, anywhere. The taxi driver worked out a quote for me: $48—my daily budget —but I had no choice. When I checked later, the cost was $137! I’ll have to survive on my body fat for the next few days. As long as I drink water, or vodka, I’ll be fine.

As the day darkened into night, I had to go forage for some cheap food. I hobbled downstairs and found a small supermarket. You’ve heard of colouring by numbers; this was shopping by pictures! I couldn’t recognise any words! It’s like a lucky dip and actually quite fun not knowing what you’re buying.

I bought what looked like lemon butter; it turned out to be honey. Lucky I like honey. The microwave meal was beef — well, there was a picture of a cow on the pack, so I’m assuming it was — hard to tell when I ate it. It didn’t taste like anything. Actually, it could have been mushroom balls. Anyway, I devoured the lot!

Meatballs, maybe? my photo

I still had to find a pharmacy for more painkillers. I had seen APOTEK signs for pharmacies somewhere in my travels, which looked similar to the English “apothecary”. Other languages were no help with variations of “farmacia”. So when I saw a sign across the other side of Nevsky Prospekt reading аптека, I deduced it wasn’t an antique store, but a pharmacy.

After spending a week in Saint Petersburg, I caught a fast train to Moscow. I may as well have been in a different country. I was thankful the language was the same. I knew whose tomb this was. Can you tell it’s LENIN’s?

Lenin’s Mausoleum My photo

I was here now, so I might as well pay him a visit. I joined the long line. Mostly Chinese people. Apparently, you don’t visit Red Square without visiting Lenin. It was creepy. I came in out of the sunlight to darkness. Dimly-lit stairs going down, down, down. Armed soldiers every few steps. All I could imagine was me falling headfirst. Then I saw Lenin lying there, a very small, neat man.

It was hard to believe he masterminded the Bolshevik revolution in Russia in 1917, and that he was the first leader of the newly formed USSR. I didn’t dawdle. Those soldiers had eyes on me and not in a good way. More dimly lit stairs going up and armed men in twos every few steps. I didn’t dare smile — at anyone.

One corner of ГУМ — it occupied an enire block. A side street off Red Square

Two of the arcades inside ГУМ My photos

Across the other side of Red Square was the huge ГУМ shopping mall. I worked out ГУМ was Gum (pronounced goom as in book), the most beautiful shopping mall I’d ever seen and the most expensive. What happened to all the Russian peasants? Forbes estimates there are 90 billionaires in Moscow (москов) in 2025. Yes, you read that correctly: billionaires, not millionaires. What happened to communism? Inside were row upon row of luxury stores I could only dream of walking into. I did ogle the goods (and the prices) in the window. Even if I had that kind of money, I would not spend it on a Hermès scarf. I took a photo instead.

I had planned to visit the History Museum. Stuff the museum, this is what I like. Well, I do love history and museums, but you know, ГУМ is a complete shopping mecca. It was worth the trip to Moscow to wander through ГУМ.

I loved it but not enough to buy it. My photo

In my attempt to locate the beautiful artwork in the metro, I walked to the nearest metro station and caught the metro along several stops, all the while looking out for the chandeliers and paintings that I’d seen in photos. I’ve only now realised they probably were not on the walls of the platform but in the foyers. Sometimes I wonder at my lack of intelligence. In short, I didn’t see any of them.

Metro and my local Metro Entrance My photos

I must see the Kremlin, but alas, I had left it to my last day in Moscow. I walked miles, actually just over 2 km, to the entrance, where I had an unfortunate experience. I lined up behind a couple buying tickets, and as I walked up to the counter, the teller pulled a venetian blind down so violently that I jumped back. Lunch was 12.30 pm, and it was only 12.18. What was going on? Every other window was shuttered too.

I walked to the gift shop; of course, it was open, and asked. The Kremlin is closed on Thursdays. Why had I not picked up this fact from everything I had read about the Kremlin? I was bitterly disappointed. I had come to Moscow to visit the Kremlin, see the magnificent metro stations, and visit St Basil’s Cathedral. I saw St Basil’s and took photos, but they were not nearly as colourful as I had seen in photos. Stupid me had the settings on my iPhone to “warm brown”. I didn’t even know my phone camera had settings! I won’t share my warm brown photos. Here’s what it’s supposed to look like. However, I was enchanted by the colourful Armenian Church at the opposite end of Red Square to St Basil’s.

The Armenian Church My photo

So please learn from my mistake, especially if you’re going to a place like Moscow where people seem glum and unhappy that you’re there as a tourist; learn the Cyrillic alphabet, so at least you can find a chemist, if you need one, or know what you are eating.

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This article is a submission for Globetrotters June Monthly Challenge, Languages, by Anne Bonfert.

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