I Talked to My Aunt While My Uncle Screamed at Her in the Background

My stomach is turning and I don’t know what to do with this feeling.

Photo by Nino Yang on Unsplash

Today is my Aunt’s nameday. She is a Margaret.

My Aunt and Uncle live in a different country, so I only get to see them once every few years. We are in regular, warm contact by email and phone. They are both in their 70s, and in middling health.

So, I call her to wish her a happy nameday. She says, “Oh dear, I hope all the wishes I received today come true! My health is terrible!” “Oh no!” I say. “What is happening?” Here follows the story of my aunt’s pained knee, walking with a crutch, not leaving the house, and the doctor who is “such a good doctor, one of the best, and he still got it wrong.”

My uncle hovers in the same room, within earshot. He pipes up, “What are you saying? That is incorrect. He is NOT one of the good ones. He is just mediocre.” He keeps muttering, hovering.

Aunt and I continue talking about her knee.

A few moments later, he cuts in again: “Put that DOWN! You are so rude!” I ask, “Aunt, what is he saying now?” She says, “He’s annoyed because I’m eating a nut, and he says it’s rude to eat while talking on the phone.” I say, “Please tell him it doesn’t matter, who cares, it doesn’t bother me.” She repeats my words. Uncle snarls like a pissed off cat: “It’s rude, it’s RUDE, this behaviour is not acceptable, you are RUDE! Only people with no manners do this on the phone!”

On to the boomer favourite — high cholesterol. My Aunt tells me about their no-fry diets and the special Greek oil they buy for their daily salads. Uncle pipes up again, next to my Aunt. “No, you are wrong! Why do you keep saying INCORRECT things? That is not the right shop! She needs a DELI! We shop AT A DELI!”

And a moment later: “You keep saying FALSE THINGS! That is not how you measure value of oil! WHY do you give her wrong information again? WHY will you not STOP saying INCORRECT things?!”

His voice is clearer and louder. He must be standing right behind her now.

Aunt says, “We eat a lot of salad, every day, with the good Greek oil, the most expensive one. Green salad with different toppings. And lemon juice.”

My Uncle: “You are lying AGAIN! Your whole conversation is a LIE! YOU DON’T GIVE ME THE SALAD I WANT! I cannot get the salad I ask for! I keep asking for MORE and you give me the same SMALL AMOUNT every day! WHY DO YOU LIE LIKE THIS?!”

My Aunt says, “You see, this is what I deal with every day. I can’t talk on the phone without him constantly interrupting. He will not go in the other room when I ask him.”

My Uncle: “HANG UP THE PHONE RIGHT NOW! HANG UP! STOP THE CONVERSATION! YOU ARE TERRIBLE! YOU TALK TO PEOPLE LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME, GIVING THEM INCORRECT INFORMATION AND LYING! STOP TALKING NOW! STOP TALKING ON THE PHONE!”

My Aunt: “Unfortunately, I better go. Take care. Thankyoubye.” Tap.

Silence.

I am sitting on a bench outside my building. The sun is shining, people are shopping. I feel dark inside. My first thought: why do people keep telling me to “find somebody”when being with somebody is like this. My second thought is about my Aunt. She is lovely. She is smart. Behind the silence of a phone, in another country, there is a fight going on. I have heard my Uncle call her stupid in the past. I don’t know if he’s saying far worse things to her now. She is a peaceful person, doesn’t raise her voice ever. The imbalance of his rage and her soothing words, defending herself, is terrifying to hear.

I don’t know what to do with this feeling. I want to call them back, but I know I shouldn’t. I love my Aunt, and I love my Uncle too. He has been good to me all my life. This raging side of him… I don’t know how to reconcile it with the Uncle I know. Two people in one body. One of them is blind to his own behaviour. He will scream, belittle her, and he will be sure he is right. “I told her not to lie. People shouldn’t give incorrect information.” He will absolve himself of his rage, because it was for a good reason, in the name of TELLING THE TRUTH.

When my Uncle rages, but it’s okay because it’s for a good reason, what do I do with this?

When my Uncle feels completely free to behave however he wants, say whatever he wants, and feels no qualms in doing so, because he’s been enabled to do it his entire life, what do I do with this?

When my Uncle completely disconnects “I respect women” from his rage at my Aunt, what do I do with this?

Does this already qualify as abuse? Or is it simply an old man problem, old man who lacks emotional intelligence, thinks therapy is dangerous, and boundaries are an attack on his manhood?

I do not know what to do. I do not know what to think.

Today is my Aunt’s nameday. She is a Margaret.