nobody knows the way it’s gonna be

so why frown?

half of my life, i don’t know whether the things that i am doing would mean something someday. and yet, it feels like i always need to do something. today, i spent my whole day resting and doomscrolling in bed. i barely ate anything, just something simple straight from the fridge or some instant noodles i had left in my storage. strangely, i can’t stop thinking that i need to do something, this whole day just laying around — the rest i deserved felt like a debt that i need to pay someday. and that could be the reason why people won’t rest, always chasing something.

we are trained to become successful without setting any limits for success itself. be richer than your dad, be greater than your family, and no — push away all your unnecessary romantic relationships, they will only deter your way to become successful. so right now, i am pouring my heart out not to a person, but to a white blank page on my laptop monitor.

but is that a guarantee of a successful life when it was never promised to us? not even in a legal contract or anything. the glimpse of financial freedom is uncertain while my sadness and headache are real things. this pain comes from fear of failed expectations and future uncertainties. when i fail, would you take me back?

failing is a mainstream culture, but why do we treat it as a bigger sin? in an ideal world, i wish we wouldn’t see each other based only on what they did wrong but also on the effort they put in to be right. what is right or wrong anyway? when many people are believing, the wrong could be right (if you want to prove me wrong, explain our country leader rn). this could lead to the roots of why people, in the end, only focus on their mistakes, undermine their value, and let awful people dictate their lives.

you might be wondering what i am trying to deliver in these passages, it might have deterred too much from the heading. well, it was supposed to be an affirmation to myself. as i took more opportunities, now that i regret how people will only judge me, i forgot the main reason i agreed to this was that i love the event, the experience it gave me in the past, which motivated me to join and help this event succeed. now i only focus on how people will judge me, blame me, and the tendency that i might fail.

i could fail.

but nobody knows that. nobody hopes for that. thus, nobody will tolerate that.

and that became the reason why i frowned, even though nobody knows what it’s gonna be — the future is not promised to me.