Yourself

Having company is a beautiful thing. You share your life with them, treating them not just as a close friend, but as a sibling. A twin. It feels as though nothing in this world could ever separate the two of you. Everything is full of joy until one tragic day, everything goes wrong. You grow cold and distant. You have no idea why; you simply feel a sudden urge to hide away from the people who truly care for you. Why? you ask yourself. You have no answer.

As time passes, you keep pushing everyone away. They begin to worry. They ask what happened, or if there is trouble at home. There isn’t. You tell them it is nothing — but it is something. You still do not know what. You sleep only to make the hours pass, breaking your sleep until day turns into night. When the rest of the world is asleep, you are wide awake. Still alone. Only this time, you are trapped with your own mind, creating stupid scenario that will likely never happen. But you think of them anyway.

Eventually, the world falls silent. No one reaches out anymore. You wonder why. You finally step back into the light after such a long time in the dark, but no one wishes to speak with you. It breaks your heart. But it is your fault, after all… what did you expect? You believed a true companion would always stay. So why did they leave? They found new faces to keep them company while you were gone. You noticed. You knew. It made you feel easily replaced, as if it were simple to throw you away. Worthless…

You weep every night. You beg them not to leave you in the dark again, because you finally feel like yourself again. You healed your own wounds. But they have other plans, and you have always been their last resort. If they have no one else left, you are the final choice. You realize this day by day, after crying through the night. You know you have no one anymore. You were just a piece of their lives that drifted away and got lost.

Numb. Days pass. You grow used to being chosen last. Used to the silence. You do not care if no one speaks to you anymore; in truth, you prefer it. You hate the company of others. You hate it when someone tries to reach out. You only wish to stay home, hidden away from the world. You are right back where you started, but you actually welcome it this time.

Why?

Because you are terrified of growing attached again. You fear you will lose your mind if someone close to your heart leaves you behind. So, you would rather face the cold alone than be fucked all over again…

You build the walls higher this time, convincing yourself that the silence is a shield. It is safer in the quiet. No expectations, no more wondering why you were not enough.

But sometimes, when the house is completely still, you look at your phone and remember the laughter. You remember the warmth of a friendship that felt like a twin, before the shadows crept in. You realize that the walls keeping the pain out are the very same walls keeping the light from getting in. You are not truly happy back at the start; you are only safe. And as you stare into the dark, you wonder if you will ever be brave enough to open the door again.