The Pain I Wish My Dad Could Understand

This piece contains reflections on family trauma and emotional struggles

For years, I’ve carried words I was never able to say, memories, pain, and questions that were dismissed. I learned to stay silent because speaking up only led to blame, But silence hasn’t healed me, it has only made the pain linger.

There are things I wish I could tell you, Dad. Things that still weigh on me, pressing against my chest like a heavy stone. I want you to know how your choices shaped me, how I had to carry burdens too heavy for a child. I want you to understand that the path I took wasn’t out of rebellion, but out of survival. I was just trying to find a way out of a situation I never asked for.

But every attempt to speak is met with denial. You refuse to see the damage, choosing instead to blame me for the decisions I made. And so, I am left with unspoken truths, unheard words, and wounds that never fully closed.

So, hello, Dad. I wish I could send this message to you. I wish I could tell you that despite everything, I still have dreams, even though your financial choices have led me nowhere. For years, I have carried the weight of providing for our family while you remain stuck, consumed by thoughts of how close you are to death, even though you’re not physically sick, even though you don’t even try to live.

You get so angry when I refuse to feed your addictions. It’s as if I am not your daughter, just an obstacle standing in the way of your addictions. But you are a capable man, someone with more education than me, and yet, you refuse to try.

I have tried to reach you, but no matter what I do, you deny everything, everything I’ve sacrificed, everything I’ve given, everything I am.

Home has never felt like home to me, Dad. It has always felt like a place I needed to escape from.

Do the pictures of me as a baby never make your heart ache? Do they never remind you of how you’ve treated me my whole life? I wonder, was there ever a waking moment when you truly saw me? When you cared beyond your own needs?

I don’t know if you will ever see me the way I have longed to be seen. I don’t know if you would ever read these words or if you would just dismiss them, like every other time I tried to speak.

But this is the truth I’ve carried in silence.