Modesty

It is shocking how this one word holds so many meanings and yet is so misunderstood.

If I ask people what modesty means, many would respond with things like: covering the body, wearing loose clothes, avoiding revealing outfits, and not drawing physical attention.

And it’s not just ordinary people even Wikipedia gives a similar explanation: Modesty, sometimes known as demureness, is a mode of dress and deportment which intends to avoid the encouraging of sexual attraction in others. The word modesty comes from the Latin word *modestus* which means ‘keeping within measure’. While this definition focuses mainly on appearance, some people expand it beyond clothing and respond it as having humility- Not bragging, Not exaggerating achievements, Being grounded, Avoiding arrogance. Some would respond it as having Behavioral Boundaries- How you talk, How you interact with the opposite gender, How you behave publicly, Emotional and sexual boundaries.

While gathering all these views on modesty, I realised that even I was among those who perceived modesty only in terms of clothing and behaviuoral boundaries. That changed when I watched a video by Ustadh Hisham. I am writing this reflection inspired by that video, in the hope of helping others understand what true modesty really is.

Before going deeper, I want to talk about humility and how it differs from modesty. Humility relates more to your inner being your self-awareness and your relationship with yourself, while modesty is reflected in your outward behaviour. They are not the same, although they are closely connected. There is another important concept to introduce before continuing: “Haya” according to wikipedia and other online sources Haya (Arabic: حياء, romanized: Hayāʾ, roughly corresponding to “bashfulness”, “decency”, “modesty”, “shyness”) is an Arabic word that means “natural or inherent, shyness and a sense of modesty”. In Islamic terminology, it is mainly used in the context of modesty. But Haya, humility and modesty has a lot to do with you than what it says on surface.

Based on my understanding Modesty has more to do with your social behavior, while humility has more to do with your inner self the one only you truly know. Between the two lies ḥayā, which deals with both your social behavior and your inner self.

Let me explain:

Modesty is the way you present yourself and the way you are perceived through your dressing, walking, and social relations.

Humility is self-awareness of your strengths and weaknesses. In social relations, it also means refraining from judging others when you see them commit sins.

Ḥayā is shyness or modest restraint in social relations (speaking politely to people), within yourself (keeping your intentions pure), in your dressing, and in your consciousness of God.ḥayā is a moral emotion feeling that prevents you from doing wrong because you feel ashamed before God and yourself.

In the video I talked about, Ustadh Hisham explains how Modesty extends beyond clothing to encompass actions, speech, and intentions.

One of the most beautiful example of this is given in the Quran [28:25] description of Musa AS [ peace be upon him] wife’s modest walk which reflected how she was not walking boldly or in a way that attracted attention, but rather in a respectful, shy, and dignified manner and that she was covering her face/body with the folds of her garment while she came walking towards him.

She spoke to Musa AS [ peace be upon him] clearly but with modesty, saying: “My father is inviting you so he may reward you for watering our animals for us”.

In some narrations, it is mentioned that when leading Musa AS [ peace be upon him] to her house, she asked him to walk behind her and indicate the way with pebbles, rather than walking in front of him.

Abu Saʿid Al- Khudri RA [ may Allah be pleased with him] described Prophet Muhammad’s SAW [ peace be upon him ] modesty as being more modest than a virgin girl. Even if he disliked something it would be seen on his face but he won’t express it all the time and he would be too shy to say it out loud, he would not always share something if it would upset someone and would keep it to himself and this is a beautiful part of modesty portrayed through our beloved Prophet Muhammad saw [ peace be upon him ] being moderate in how we express and not being too quick to confess or battle with someone else.

The Prophet’s modesty was evident in his reluctance to confront others directly and he preferred to address issues through general statements to avoid embarrassing individuals. This highlights the importance of not shaming or attacking others, when offering advice, as direct criticism can lead to defensiveness rather than acceptance.

There is a very famous and powerful poem from Imam al-Shafi’i (RA) [ may Allah be pleased with him] which emphasises that true counsel is offered in private to protect the person’s dignity, while public advice is a form of betrayal.

“Support me with your advice in private, and avoid advising me in public. Surely giving advice among the people is a kind of reproach, which I would rather not listen to. If you disobey and ignore my wish, don’t be saddened if you are not obeyed.”

True advice aims to correct, not to publicly embarrass. And this is the art of truly giving sincere advice

Modesty, and haya, is also about having a sense of shame, particularly in two forms:

•⁠ ⁠Shame before Allah, a consciousness that Allah is watching me I can’t do wrong

•⁠ ⁠Shame before people the social aspect of modesty that prevents individuals from engaging in inappropriate public behaviour, like exposing sins or dressing immodestly.

One of the teachings of the earlier prophets is that if a person loses their sense of shame, they will do anything. When someone feels comfortable committing sins openly exposing them, abusing others, or presenting themselves immodestly it often indicates that the barrier of shame has already been crossed.

Prophet Muhammad SAW [ peace be upon him ] was not shameless in his speech, not shameless in his actions, you won’t find him screaming in the market trying to get a better deal and he wouldn’t take or give revenge on people when they did wrong to him and this my brothers and sister was the modesty of our beloved prophet SAW [ peace be upon him ]

Unfortunately, many people associate modesty only with women, but modesty applies equally to men and women. Islam commands both genders to observe modesty.

Modesty and ḥayā also extend into areas like privacy, social intelligence, and avoiding oversharing.

Prophet Muhammad SAW [ peace be upon him ] showed mercy to everyone the believers, the disbelievers, the animals. But he never overshared with everyone, he had a different relationship with the ones he was closed to and he would share his secrets with specific companions like Hudhayfah [ known as the “ keeper of secrets “ ]. He didn’t trusted everyone with his secrets and we learn this even from the Qur’an through Surah Yusuf [ 12:5 ] where Yaqoob AS [ peace be upon him ] advised Yusuf AS [ peace be upon him ] not to share his dream with his brothers, he feared this would trigger intense jealousy (hasad) in his brothers. there is a saying in Arabic “ Not everything you know is to be said “. You need to realise with whom you have to share and what you have to share because you don’t know what is in the heart of the other person. Prophet Muhammad SAW [ peace be upon him ] did not trusted Hudhayfah in just one or a few meeting, he tested him and slowly started trusting him.

Never trust your personal matters with everyone and refrain from oversharing your personal issues, especially marital problems. Prophet Muhammad SAW [ peace be upon him ] trusted his affairs with only two of his trusted companions AlI Ibn Abi Talib and Hudhayfah and Usama. one of the most important part of our Prophet Muhammad SAW [ peace be upon him ] was that he would keep people in circle so if an outside bedouin came to him and wants to know a secret from his life, he’s not gonna know he will keep him in the outside circle. Be careful with what you share because not everyone will be happy to see your success or happiness.

One of the manner of Prophet SAW [ peace be upon him ] was that he would never confront people with their flaws but would do it in a way which won’t hurt the person this was the Haya of our Prophet in his social dealings.

A part of prophet’s Haya was that he won’t go to suspicious places and situations to avoid misunderstanding and protect his reputation. One day the prophet was walking with his wife and two men were walking and they happened to see him with his wife Hafsa and after seeing him they started walking faster. What could be running through their mind ? either they might be thinking who is this women with prophet SAW [ peace be upon him ] and they will go and spread the stories about him and the prophet stops them and says “ why are you running ?“ its my wife and they said subhanAllah, Prophet you don’t have to tell this to us we trust you and the prophet said I trust you but I don’t trust the shaitan. This was his shyness [ the sense of shame ]

Learning about the life of Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) teaches us profound lessons about character and good manners. May we all strive to embody his morals and revive his Sunnah.

How beautiful this topic is. Through reflecting on modesty, we learn so much about the character of our beloved Prophet. If you found this beneficial, share it with others so they may benefit as well, and perhaps it may become a form of sadaqah jariyah

Reference

https://youtu.be/R5s2yXdMhYo?si=KrcV5cL_egaGCzIu

https://youtu.be/BcjcPFnXP8U?si=7J4-AtAPOQAROQsA

Jami’ at-Tirmidhi 2016

Sahih al-Bukhari

en.wikipedia.org