Hola Gen-Zers, It’s Your New Spanish Substitute And Low-Key, Today’s Class Is Gonna Be Muy Lit

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Como estas, Gen Z? Que tal, Zoomers? Bienvenidos chicos y chicas. Me llamo Señor Weiss, your new Spanish substitute teacher, and low-key, today’s class is gonna be muy lit.

Now let me address the elephanto in the roomo. I know what you’re all thinking. What happened to Mrs. Martinez? Is she okay? Did she die? Did she retire to get away from us loco Gen-Zers? Is this gringo even qualified to teach Spanish? Can this gringo flamenco dance? Does this gringo kind of smell like fish? Can this gringo even cha cha slide? Has this gringo ever successfully opened an avocado? Does this gringo listen to Enrique Iglesias? Is this gringo really licensed to teach at escuelas in this county?

All these preguntas have occurred to me too. No cap. And by the end of our time together, I will do my best to answer. Real talk. Now before we begin, yo quiero everybody go around the room y hablar two truths and one lie so we get to know each other better. Esta bien? Bueno.

I’ll start. Me llamo Señor Weiss. Tengo dos gatos, Dumpling y Colonel Mustard. I did have three cats but… cómo se dice en espanol…Rascal Flatts escaped my apartment and ran into the street and got absolutely cooked by un grande Toyota Highlander. The incident was muy triste. My sister and I were supposed to go to that new Harry Potter exhibit because we heard it slaps but sadness flooded me como un tsunami! Entonces, we buried Rascal Flatts in our backyard and watched the Pixar pelicula Coco which I high-key recommend if you like emotional rollercoasters con la familia. On God.

Secondly, as you probably guessed, Señor Weiss struggles in the Rizz department. High-key. I probably shouldn’t hablo this to another class yet again but I feel like we’re all amigos at this point, am I right?

So it turns out doctors say my cuerpo spreads this fish odor you’re smelling right now because my gut can’t break down compounds properly, causing mucho stresso in my life. It doesn’t matter how much deodorant I use or showers I take, this fish-smell sticks to Señor Weiss like mayo on tuna salad. Lo siento in advance fam.

Last factoid about your boy, Señor Weiss. Una vez, I saved this chica from a burning building. No cap. It was giving superhero Señor Weiss. I was glowed up, ready for canasta at my local JCC, mogging passerbys on the sidewalk, when I saw embers. Literal fire flames coming out of this casa. And as they say fam, mi casa, su casa.

Entonces this chica was unconscious when I found her on the ground but my strong fish odor not only woke her up, it caused her to run out of the smoke-filled casa and out of peligro’s way. The newspaper dubbed me “Tuna-Scented Lurker or Savior?” and now I’m on a few local watchlists low-key.

Fam todo of what I just told you is absolutely la verdad. My only lie: Spanish is not my native tongue. Hard to believe, I know, since I’ve been speaking to you in mucho Spanish this entire time.

Anyway, Mrs. Martinez asked me to hand out these grammar worksheets. But low-key we’re not going to do that. I lost them. Or maybe Dumpling peed on them I dunno. So today we’re gonna watch Coco. On God.