How to Handle Accusations and Emotional Manipulation in Affair Confrontations Without Losing Control

Back in January, I found myself in a situation common to couples dealing with affair situations. It reminded me of the many issues that arise when you are in a relationship that others do not approve of.

My sons disapproved of a relationship I am in, so they are making accusations. They found a time I was emotionally vulnerable and took advantage of it. The accusations were delivered in anger. Additionally, they included name-calling, cursing, and taking a few facts, then exaggerating them. Then they began with the false accusations and painting the other person and the relationship as unsavory. To hear them tell it, I was abandoning all common sense, reputation and morality by having a relationship.

On the inside, my mind was filled with the need to defend myself, counter their wild accusations, and confront their disrespect. The longer the intervention went, the wilder the accusations became. Somewhere along the way, logic broke down and sheer emotional diatribes took over.

After the initial accusations, they added the claim that they were the only ones who cared about me and loved me. It was as if other family members and friends did not exist. Although on the surface, it sounded like support and love, the effects of what they did were to create a sense of emotional isolation. They created a situation where only their opinions and wishes matter. Their action intensified the emotions that were running high at that time. Being a widower, I was emotionally vulnerable, and their accusations felt like a series of gut punches

After making the claim that they were the only ones who cared, they delivered their threats. The threats were made clear and designed to manipulate. They created a sense of emotional isolation and then threatened to remove their support if I did not do as they demanded.

If your confrontation with the cheater runs anything like what happened to me, it will not go well. Any forced or coerced decision you attain is only temporary. Even courts know that decisions made under duress are not legitimate.

When you do confront, some different approaches will benefit you. Expressing your concern or love works best on the front end of the confrontation. When you deliver reassurance after launching into an attack, it feels like they have been wounded, brought back to life, and then wounded again.

Secondly, when you make accusations, make sure of your facts. Try laying the factual material out, then consider asking them what sense they make of those facts. When you go into false accusations, the confronted person’s mind focuses on refuting the false allegations, and at that point, you lose any open-minded possibilities. Their minds shut down based on what you alleged.

Thirdly, your tone matters. When others are attacked, their natural response is to defend themselves. Using an angry tone, name-calling or cursing typically triggers reactions more than it uncovers the truth. I understand that the feelings are intense. Your strong tone risks triggering strong counter-reactions rather than them listening to you. If you want them to hear you out, show civility; if you want to vent on them, it may leave you feeling relieved, but it does not mean you were heard.

If information like this helps you, then you’ll want to consider the book, Let’s Talk About The Affair. In it you’ll find the guidance you need for talking about the sensitive issue of the affair in ways that allow you to be heard rather than reacted to.

Order your copy today before you create a situation filled with coercion and manipulation.

Keeping It Real,

Jeff