Date or Run: A Divorce Attorney’s Guide to Not Getting Married (Part 1)

AI generated Art — Marriage is easy and cheap. Divorce? Can you get a HELOC?

Date or Run?

Forty years as a lawyer, and over 30 doing divorce, I fancy myself somewhat of an expert on relationships. Too often, people walk into my office, stunned that they marriage fell apart. They just didn’t see it coming. Well, that’s not always the case. I’ve done a couple of serious pieces on the red flags to look for. This is not a serious piece. But, like all comedy, it camouflages a serious message.

Let’s start with that simple fact that Men and Women make totally different mistakes when it comes to marrying a completely unsuitable spouse. So, we’ll explore the signs that men and women ignore when meeting a potential mate. The prospective suitor who ignores these simple warning signs is doomed to a miserable failed marriage followed by an expensive divorce, followed by really nice vacation taken by your divorce lawyer.

Unsuitable spouses are easily identified, characterized and labeled, so there is simply no excuse for getting involved with these walking disasters. Yet, time and again, men and women are attracted to these walking toxic waste pits.

The first step to finding that right and special soul mate is to actually look for him/her. All too often men are blinded by lust and will marry the first woman who’ll have sex with him, or delivers really, really hot sex. On the other hand, many women go on the search for the perfect, sensitive caring, stable, romantic and hard working man. When they find him, they immediately ignore him and marry the selfish, womanizing, immature drunk. And then they wonder why they are miserable.

When a client comes into my office, they inevitably have that same stunned look on their face and mumble something like, “I never saw it coming.” Bullshit, all the signs were there, they were just ignored.

The No-No Categories

I have listed these categories of unsuitable women and men. I will help you identify these people and give you advice on how to avoid years of abject misery.

So, as not upset any particular group, I will alternate between men and woman.

The Women to Avoid:

The Emotional Rollercoaster

The Control Freak/Jealous

The Clingy/Needy Woman

The Bitchy Woman

The Frigid Woman

The Ambitious Wife.

Now, ladies, don’t feel all smug, you make mistakes, too. Just different ones. Just as stupid but different. The first thing to notice is that when discussing the women to avoid, we used the word “woman.” In describing the men to avoid, I have generally used the term “boy.” If nothing else, that should provide a big blinking neon sign of the trouble ahead.

The Men to Avoid:

The Bad Boy

The Mama’s Boy

The Frat Boy

The Slob

The Adulterer

The Married Man

The Women to Avoid:

Woman Number #1- The Emotional Rollercoaster

Ok, guys, we’ve all been there. You see her across the room, whether it is in a class, a party, work, or a bar. A spotlight seems to shine on her. She stands at the center of the crowd and everyone else seems dull and lackluster by comparison. She is so vivacious and alive, that you cannot help but be pulled in to her orbit. Around her colors are brighter, smells more intense, life more exciting and the sex is mindblowing. As she tosses her hair back, laughing, your heart misses a beat and your knees go weak. You’ve never seen any woman like her before. She’s also stark raving mad.

All that excitement and energy comes from the simple fact that she’s bipolar. As she gets older, the ups getting higher, the lowers get lower and rationality goes completely out the door. One day you’ll find her chasing you around the house with a meat cleaver.

According to the National Institute of Health, the symptoms of a bi-polar disorder are:

• Easily distracted
• Little need for sleep
• Poor judgment
• Poor temper control
• Reckless behavior and lack of self control
• Binge eating, drinking, and/or drug use
• Poor judgment
• Sex with many partners (promiscuity)
• Spending sprees
• Very elevated mood
• Excess activity (hyperactivity)
• Increased energy
• Racing thoughts
• Talking a lot
• Very high self-esteem (false beliefs about self or abilities)
• Very involved in activities
• Very upset (agitated or irritated)

Your female bestie warned you about her. She told you in no uncertain terms that this woman is toxic. You didn’t listen. You chalked it up to jealously.

Now, your life is a living hell.

If your girlfriend exhibits these symptoms, wait until she is asleep, quietly ease out of the bed, open the door real slowly and grab the next plane out of the country.

“Man” Number #1 The Bad Boy

Remember Charlies Sheen? Sure, he’s migrated to “where is he now” but remember back in the day when his antics were the stuff of pop culture.

You expressed disgust to your husband/boyfriend about Charlie Sheens’ despicable piggish behavior. Where your husband/boyfriend expressed a sneaking admiration for Sheen’s living with not one but two porn stars, you turned your nose up and expressed with indignation that stating that Sheen is unfit for human company. You, my dear, are a hypocrite.

Like Jennifer Grey in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, your heart skips a beat when confronted with bad boys like Sheen. Admit it, it’s ok. There’s something primeval about the bad boy and he just reeks of masculinity. Of course, the sex is awesome.

Now let’s look at this a little closer, and after the sex. He’s lying in your bed, smoking a cigarette while you go to work. When you get home, your refrigerator is empty, your beer is gone and while the toilet seat is up, there is a yellow puddle on the floor. Oh, yes that change you keep by the key rack? It’s gone. A great Dane is easier to house train.

It doesn’t get any better. When he breezes in after disappearing for a couple days, he screams at you for being possessive just because you ask where he’s been. Do you mention that he smells of someone else’s perfume or do you keep quiet, so he won’t get angry and leave?

Now, here’s where many women really screw up. They think that if they get pregnant that he will suddenly become responsible and settle down. Shall we examine the illogic of this?

You fall for a wild animal, and it is his very wild nature which excites and arouses you. What do you want to do? Tame and geld him. In your fantasy world, he becomes Randall Pearson. In reality, you are chasing him in Family Court for Child Support for the next 21 years.

Woman NUMBER #2 — Control/Jealousy Freak

When you are first dating, having a jealous woman is, well flattering. You think it means that you are such a catch, that she is afraid of losing you to another woman. Of course, this then makes you foolishly think that you have a real shot with another woman.

Her jealously has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with her. She’s incredibly insecure and would be jealous if she was dating Fat Bastard from the Austin Powers movies.

Now, let’s be honest. Go to the mirror, take off your cloths and if you have any self-respect you will not be wearing a banana. Now take an honest look at yourself. Because of that gut, you haven’t seen you penis in five years. That hair hanging on your upper lip is not a mustache, look a little higher. You have trouble hearing because of the forest growing out of your ears and you have more hair on your back than on your head.

Ask yourself, is her jealously the act of a rational human being? Or is she so insecure as to be unstable? Remember Glenn Close in Fatal Attractions?

What was flattering while you were dating becomes something else after 20 years of marriage. You want to blow your brains out. You can’t move, you can’t look and you can’t talk without her right there demanding to know what you are doing. She sees everyone as a possible competitor.

“Man” Number #2 The Mama’s Boy

This one I just don’t understand. I am totally dumbfounded by this one. How can any woman give this guy the time of day. But, it happens.

The Mama’s Boy was raised to believe that he is the center of the universe. Everything exists for his pleasure and amusement. He possesses a magic dresser and magic refrigerator. No matter where he drops his dirty clothes in the house, they magically appear a few days later cleaned and pressed in his dresser. He has a never ending supply of food in the magic refrigerator which is always full of all his favorite foods.

The Mama’s Boy barely notices the servant, i.e. you, who wanders vaguely in his perceptions. He sometimes thinks that other people exist, but quickly discards such a ridiculous notion, He is the only person in existence and naturally his needs are all that matters.

Were you looking to raise a child or be married to one?

He is very easy to spot. Is he the only son? Does he mother let you know that not only aren’t you good enough for him, but no woman is?

It isn’t a matter of whether he always gets his way, but does he assume getting his way is the natural order of the universe?

There is simply no excuse for marrying one of these tools. The warning signs were flashing and the klaxons were blaring.

Buckle up for Part 2 we will identify more walking toxic waste dumps.