they’re singing “happy birthday”, you just want to lay down and cry

tick, tick... boom! (2021)

now in my 20s, i’m terrified of each birthday that comes because i think i should have already figured out my life when i reach 30.

the pressure is so real and i feel like i’m gonna have a panic attack whenever my relatives question me during family reunions. i feel like i’m gonna have a nervous breakdown whenever i see my friends graduating, landing jobs of their dreams, and starting to earn their own money, while i’m still this child in a body of an adult-wannabe who actually have no clue how to navigate the real world. this adult-wannabe who has tried to reach for the stars only to get blinded by their light.

and now it’s all complete darkness.

it is dark and it is so cold out here. i am so tired of running, of reaching out to the empty space only to find nothing. nothing is there for me to hold on to and i can hear my heart beating on my face as my breathing gets heavier and heavier and i scream for help but it just echoes back to me.

will i ever find the light? will i ever escape this hell? will i ever find another star now that i know the one i wanted was too blinding for me?

11282021. 04:46.