IN TODAY’S EPISODE OF ‘THINGS THAT SHOULDN’T HAPPEN BUT DID’…

Godzilla Reappears in Missouri, Promptly Breaks the Laws of Geography

Officials investigate, locals speculate and a suspicious shortage of Tupperware raises troubling questions

— Written with heart, humor and a stubborn refusal to stay silent —

He’s back… or is he? Photo by the eye witness.

Shout Hosannah to the Highest! Crash the cymbals! Sound the trumpets!

Godzilla has returned.

Yes, that 30-foot monster balloon, mysteriously lizard-napped from his fireworks-stand home a week or so ago, made it back — just in time for yesterday’s Fourth of July celebration. A couple of days early.

Word has it he disappeared from his home in Independence, Mo., and was freed in Springfield, Mo., –

straight south most of the state. The cause of his flight, and the details of his recapture, are somewhat sketchy.

As you might recall, I published a piece recently suggesting it was a big PR stunt, and Zilla and the boys were holed up somewhere, playing cards and laughing over a bottle of Old Man Gristle’s Bottom-Shelf Bourbon. I’m sticking with it. You can read it after you’re done with this one.

Of course, there are those flat-earthers who suggest this isn’t even the true one, but some fake. Real Godzilla, they insist, was spotted stomping on the local Japanese steak house just a few hours after this one’s “return.”

“Can’t be two places at once,” a local citizen noted. “I seed ’em with my own eyes — at least the one that still works. Big and green and… and… he had some sushi in his mouth. I think it was one of them Californy Rolls.”

The FBI put out a statement saying they were looking into it. Congress put out a statement saying they were going to form a committee to look into what the FBI was looking into. The fireworks stand put out a statement offering 30-percent off Roman Candles. The local Rotary Club put out a statement reminding everyone their pancake breakfast is still scheduled for Saturday, Godzilla or no Godzilla.

There is one other possibility. Maybe the local citizen wasn’t right about the two places at once. Maybe there are more than one of those giant things floating around. Could be they’ve been sneaking into the country for years, disguised as Tupperware or adult diapers or something.

Hey, it’s possible.

When was the last time you saw Tupperware? See. Been a while, hasn’t it?

When was the last time you saw a Godzilla balloon? Well, there’s a fresh picture right here with this story.

You put two and two together.

“That’s a lot of cipherin’” the local citizen noted, adjusting the suspenders he wears to hold up his belt.

Yeah. But it adds up, doesn’t it?

Now that I think of it, I haven’t seen the Goodyear Blimp in quite a while. Wonder what it’s up to.

The original: Godzilla Has Gone Missing and Frankly I’m Not OK

[embed]Godzilla Has Gone Missing and Frankly I’m Not OK Authorities suspect deflation, foul play, or a spontaneous bid for freedom. I suspect marketing.medium.com

If you enjoy domestic espionage, Midwestern captivity or the ongoing saga of a man trying to stay upright in a world that refuses to cooperate, follow me. I write daily dispatches from the front lines of ordinary absurdity.