The Santanic Verses

December 2025 Deluded Custodians Challenge Results

Santa Clauses, Double Dippers, and Year-end Teasers

This judge didn’t find a lot to celebrate in 2025. Talons crossed for 2026.¹

Deluded Custodian Queen Ann James' final 2025 December Challenge offered two prompts to fame and fortune:

1. A letter to Santa, from your real, imagined, or inner child, or
2. A teaser tale for a Medium story that made you roll on the floor, laugh your ass off, and tumble down the stairs.

Ann stated, “Grandma Smillewing two prompts into one is allowed.”

Those who regularly submit to these challenges may gravitate toward…anarchy? Creative guidelines interpretation? Boundary testing? Libertarian behavior without the commitment? Clever subversion, deflection, and pointed references to authoritative exploitation of the masses through systemic ridicule and absurd satire?

Possibly all or none of the above.

I don’t know what those things mean.

R. Klemek, owner of the publication Short and Weird, announced a similar challenge. Irrefutably brilliant with perfect taste, as he demonstrated by improving upon one of my recent Deluded Custodian submissions.

[embed]X-mas Karma December 2025 Newsletter and Promptmedium.com

Here’s a Make it Weirder version of a segment of Lizzie Lizard Brain’s interview with Medium newcomer Milo Morgan. The names have not been changed because nobody here is innocent. However, many other words have been changed, as is standard practice for these Mad-Libs-style send-ups.

See? Superior assessment.

Santa has been bestowed with the divine power to reward the innocent with gifts and punish the guilty with coal. But is he really a fair and impartial judge? And what recourse do we have if he gets it wrong? Should we sit back and let the universe take care of it, or should we take matters into our own hands and plot revenge?

All those characteristics I questioned? You see what’s coming: Writers recognized an opportunity and ran with it.

Grandma Smillewing originally meant combining prompts. Many of the submissions combined challenges.

Who would be so diabolically clever?

Who would be surprised?

Eleven Deluded Custodian submissions

Ann James has announced the Deluded Custodians January 2026 challenge. She’s looking for hundreds. Counting to a hundred three times.

I explained that I can’t count beyond the digits on my arms and legs. Eleven is higher than I normally attempt.

We don’t get a lot of volunteer judges. I suggested she entice the Deluded Custodians by hearing their ideas for the next month’s challenge.

Here’s mine: See who can tip me the most, or drive readers my way. (No, Ann didn’t hear about or agree to this, but I’m the one typing.)

Emojis and the sequence of stories provide clues. That I’m impulsive and hard to predict.

1️⃣ Lizzie Lizard Brain is simply amazing and should win.

Everything. Always. Because she’s ethical and unselfish. (Ignore the judge’s unrelated comment about tips. It’s a carve-out.)

[embed]A Delightfully Terrorizing Sci-Fi Story We’ve stolen Gael MacLean’s pubs and must tease this piece!medium.com

Since I’m the judge and shy, I have nothing to say. Except:

I only invoked three publications and directly tagged four profiles. Sure, it hit at least six people and multiple links, but I used restraint. Try it, cheaters.²

2️⃣ Amarie Skrzyp is new to me. Her luck just ran out.

Reading her piece felt like seeing the world through a wise and clever child’s eyes, filtered through the lens of a m̶a̶l̶i̶c̶i̶o̶u̶s̶ good writer.

[embed]Dear Santa, My Mom Belongs on the Naughty List She didn’t even get me a lollipop when she went into the gas stationmedium.com

This letter is about my mom. And what she wants. And why you should absolutely not give it to her.

Santa, my mom belongs on the naughty list.

Look, I’m not just coming to you with petty, surface-level complaints. I’m not the kind of kid who’s gonna throw my mom under the bus because she regularly tries to feed me broccoli. Plus, broccoli is delicious and also quite nutritious, which is pretty important to me as a growing kid!

Amarie makes an adorable and convincing case for ̶m̶a̶t̶r̶i̶c̶i̶d̶e̶ a gentle task force skilled in behavioral modification enforcement. 🤶🏼🎁😇😧🤶🏼🎁🤶🏼🎁

3️⃣ Grandma Smillew always makes me grin.

She did it again. I miss my grandmother when I read Grandma Smillew. There were similarities, but my grandma didn’t play hand grenade games. She was a sword and F-word juggler.

[embed]Good Grandson / Bad Grandma Let’s strike a deal while the coal is still in the stockingmedium.com

I lied in my letter to Santa to make him more likely to help my grandson. I wouldn’t usually do that, but my grandson had a tough year, and he still brought me hot cocoa every Sunday.

Despite all his lies, he’s a good boy.

Unlike Grandma Smillew’s grandson, I’d make sure my grandma had something to drink every day. And snacks!

Still, support Smillew Rahcuef. He doesn’t lie; he embraces fiction. 💚🎁🤣🎁😁🎁🤶🏼🎁

4️⃣ Robert Gowty, aka RG, has RanGe.

His latest poetic profundity and existential exploration blew me away.

Rob pointed to Santa’s poor cybersecurity hygiene for the DC challenge.

Only one challenge met, but be on the lookout for Steefe Jobbs’ phishing.

[embed]Dear Claus Santa, I hope this email finds you well.medium.com

We’ve checked your calendar and it looks like you’re totally free until December 25, 2026. We’d love to jump on a quick 15 hour call to discuss the copious amounts of blackmail and cyber attack material we’ve assembled, and how we’re going to completely destroy your empire should you decide not to engage our SEO services.

Rob wandered into tech and cybersecurity, so I’ve got nothing to say. I don’t know technology and wouldn’t know a scam if it bit my tail in half. People who do are suspicious. I grew up working in restaurants and bars.

Good work, Rob! Words followed other words, but I didn’t follow them. 😁😇🎁🤶🏼📧🐟😁🎁🤶🏼📧🐟😁🎁🎅🏼🎁🌟🧑🏼‍💻📧🐟😜😇

5️⃣ Nichola Scurry is great.

She gets extra points for her own photo.

[embed]Little Nichola’s Letter to Santa — 2025 Edition What does the little brat want this year?medium.com

My parents reckon I’ll get involved with predators, but they have more chance of that. Dad looks at porn on his phone and Mum watches Murdoch news on hers.

Nichola at eleven sounds a bit like me as a kid. Except I didn’t need to visit Amsterdam to get a tattoo. I had a big brother. 🎁🎁🎁🎄❄️🎅🏼🤶🏼🧑🏼‍🎄🎁🎁🎁🌲❄️

6️⃣ Smillew Rahcuef, legendary fiction writer, doesn’t want much.

[embed]A Gentleman’s Addendum to Another Gentleman’s Letter to Santa He lied, as gentlemen domedium.com

All I want for Christmas is: moneysubscribersreadersfollowersmore moneypaidsubscribersonSubstack, where I happen to write once a quarter or so, viewersimpressionsclapperslikerscommentersand maybe a job working for Medium.

Regarding the job, I’m willing to revise my expectations down from the usual $250,000 + benefits they offer to something reasonable, like $69,420 (+ benefits) for any job description, really, as long as I can work from home.

Smillew slyly slandered Oscar. Others didn’t suggest Santa move someone to the ‘naughty liar’ list. Clever, throwing a competitor under Santa’s sleigh.🔥🎁🎁🎁🎄❄️🧑🏼‍🎄🧑🏼‍🎄🌟🎁🎁🎁❄️🔥

7️⃣ Oscar Rhea had the “Ho Ho, ho!” humbuggery spirit.

[embed]I’ve Lost My Will to Give A Gentleman’s Letter to Santamedium.com

I simply don’t see the point to all these gifts. Does my Aunt really need another book about why cats are better than husbands? Do my coworkers appreciate those guaranteed loser lottery tickets? Am I really so fond of my girlfriend that I’m willing to risk losing my left big toe to frostbite just to buy her another vacuum cleaner and hope she finally gets the hint?

I told Oscar not to buy his girlfriend domestic chore products. No buying lingerie and saying, “Huh. It looked hot on the hot salesgirl.”

Oops. Did I suggest that? Oscar may have redeemed himself.

Or is giving gifts an expression of love, and all the annoying accoutrements — dressing up, fighting traffic, spending money, baking, wrapping, decorating, RSVPing yes while secretly hoping the event gets cancelled — are no more than the necessary sacrifices to experience communal joy?

Nice save, Oscar. 🎁🌲🎁🧑🏼‍🎄🎁🌲🎁🤶🏼

8️⃣ Ann James, the Deluded Custodian (DC) queen, touched hearts.

The photos of Ziggy and Lucy are meaningful. Send up a RIP, Ziggy.

[embed]It’s Always the Puppy Pics that Draw Me In and the Humour that Makes Me Sit. Stay. Roll Over. . . . . . Enjoy a Mud Bathmedium.com

Ann’s dogs, Lucy and Ziggy, have brightened many days. Ann used this piece to introduce her practice of saving some of her favorite humo(u)rous stories to her Reading List, which she shared for the first prompt.

Please follow, read, and support Ann. She doesn’t demand reciprocity, unlike some publishers and editors. Hmm… 🤔

Let’s try to boost her spirits. (Sorry, Ann, I’m pushy.)

🎁🤶🏼🏋🏼‍♀️‍📌🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟📌🏋🏼🤶🏼🎁

9️⃣ J. Crispin-Ripley gets an honorary Santa Snarlcasm badge

Authoritarians aren’t so hard to roast, after all.

[embed]An Elf and Reindeer Manifesto He’s not fit to hold office and an election needs to be held.medium.com

To put it bluntly, you have been Santa Claus for far too long. You must resign.

Once upon a time, you were adequate. Just. However, over the past seventy-five years, you’ve lost the plot.

You’ve ignored your “naughty and nice” list for years. We link that to the current worldly belief that wealth alone proves that a person is good and pure. You haven’t delivered any coal to the naughty in years.

J supports term limits. For Santa Claus. He’ll need extra gifts to manage the fundraising cycle, primary campaign, and election. 🎁🎁🎁🧑🏼‍🎄🧑🏼‍🎄🌟🎁🎁🎁🎁🤣😁🎁🤶🏼🎁🎁🎁

🔟 Uzi Landsmann: Snarcasm=Nice. Torture=Naughty, but funny.

[embed]When Santa Said Ho Ho Hoooouuuaaaa Combining two writing challenges at once, Grandma stylemedium.com

Dear Santa, I guess you already know whether I’ve been good or bad this year, but you have to admit that I did let you out of the dungeon just in time for Christmas.

Short and s̶w̶e̶e̶t̶ sweaty, Uzi joined a few others in the doubles challenge.

Yes, I know promises made during torture don’t count for much. But I did think you sounded genuine when I stretched you those few extra centimeters on the rack.

Inventive and entertaining, Uzi’s another one to watch. Carefully, away from the torture devices. 🎁🎁🎁🌟🌟🌟🧑🏼‍🎄🧑🏼‍🎄🧑🏼‍🎄😁🎁🎁🎁

1️⃣1️⃣ Chris McCumskey’s letter to Santa was refreshing.

Besides Ann and me, everyone took shots at Santa. Why so negative? I didn’t submit a piece slamming Santa. (Yes, I did, but not here.)

Chris ultimately found the high road. Don’t feel bad; it’s in Africa.

[embed]My First Letter to Santa Claus and Probably My Last Seriously, are we doing this?medium.com

Kindly drop off a reminder to every politician in this god forsaken world that the concept of actually serving the people who voted you into office is not a new one. Most of them have conveniently forgotten this basic definition of governing, because they are so busy filling their boots with, well, anything they can find really.

Chris’s wish list included peace on earth and compassionate help for the needy. He offered to go without if Ozempic Santa could fulfill his other wishes. We need more Chris sanity. 🎁🎁🎁🌟🌟🌟💚🧑🏼‍🎄🧑🏼‍🎄🧑🏼‍🎄😁📌💚🎁🎁🎁

The judging criteria

Choosing who wins is a lot of responsibility.

Three of the eleven entries were published in Short and Weird. Should we encourage double-dippers? How does the group feel?

I developed an algorithm to evaluate stories using data analysis…

Finally — alone time.

Why do you need to know? Do you have something to worry about? What?¹

Who wins the big bucks and a May More teaser?

Sorry, May. Two is better than one. I wanted four.

Congratulations to J. Crispin-Ripley and Oscar Rhea who’ll share the crown!¹

J. Crispin-Ripley and Oscar Rhea finished 2025 as winners!

An Elf and Reindeer Manifesto by J. Crispin-Ripley and I’ve Lost My Will to Give by gentleman Oscar Rhea rose to the top.

Congratulations to everyone who took part. It truly was close.

Happy New Year to all!

[1] The first image is the Valley of Fire State Park in Nevada, modified by the author using Canva Pro. All the other GIF’ed up things are also on me.

[2] There’s no rule forbidding a single entry submission for multiple challenges. I just needed something to justify my redactions.

[3] Thanks to the Smillews for publishing, hosting, and all they contribute. If I could’ve, they’d have been named winners, too.