Minor Inconvenience Leads Me To Self-Sabotage And Flight From A Situation

Minor Inconvenience Leads Me To Self-Sabotage And Flight From A Situation

When things get messy — a little tiny bit messy — I feel like it will make me and the other person drift away. It’s a cycle; that’s why I felt that way. But I guess it was my pattern, my self-sabotaging behavior, or my defensive detachment pattern. When a messy situation that is related to negative feelings is deep-seated with my fear of closeness that seems unsafe, I get silent or avoid a specific person to control the ‘space’ and control the outcome of a relationship to avoid being hurt first.

When I’m upset or someone is upset towards me, my brain interprets that emotion as a threat, and I feel like I should distance myself from potential rejection or pain. And sometimes, anger sounds like abandonment. So I subconsciously drive people away because I feel it is better to cause the ending myself than to be left. I care deeply, but I feel safer at a distance. I crave closeness while simultaneously pushing people away.

Well, of course it’s bound to happen. I grew up walking on eggshells, so I learned that the only way to stay safe was to be perfect or invisible. In this environment I grew up in, a mistake isn’t just a mistake; it’s the ‘trigger’ that ends the peace. I think this one is going to be relatable to many people: many people in high-conflict homes never witness healthy repair. I or we only see the explosion or the cold war, and we never see two people sit down, apologize, and stay together. Without a role model, we assume that once something is ‘broken,’ it stays broken. And that’s making my brain use anger or distance as a withdrawal as a strike. When I feel a drifting vibe, I might subconsciously push first to make me the controller of the distance.

When I grew up in an environment where someone’s mood could shift suddenly and cause problems, my brain developed as a survival mechanism. It was my job to detect a storm coming so I could protect myself. Making me sensitive to subtle changes in a person’s tone of voice, facial expression, or even the speed at which they text me back. I spend hours dissecting a conversation, wondering if I said something wrong or a neutral comment was actually a sign of hidden disapproval.