Why An Old Guy Teased Me At The Checkout Line

WOMEN’S RIGHTS

Why An Old Guy Teased Me At The Checkout Line

I knew his intentions, despite his nonchalance

Photo by gburrull on Pixabay

“Hey, are you trying to steal my mushrooms?” He smiled as he glanced over my teen daughter’s shoulder at me. I told him, “I don’t know what you mean. I wasn’t paying attention,” as I painted on my well-practiced smile. We were in the checkout line at our local Fred Meyer, affectionately named Freddie’s, buying our groceries. I was caught unawares.

Society trained me long ago to play along, even when it doesn’t make sense, and especially if I might be safer for it. Besides, when you’re in public, where people are expected to act civilized, you act like it’s no big deal because that’s what you were taught. When all else fails, pretend you don’t know anything. I’m just a dumb blonde woman. What do I know?

If you identify as a woman, you already know what I’m talking about. You’re at the grocery store checkout line, minding your own business, waiting for the cashier to ring you up. You’re focused on how much the items will cost, and wonder if you’ve forgotten anything.

An old white man in front of you starts chatting you up, but he’s not “just being friendly.” He says something like what I heard. A casual tease, an absurd accusation, seemingly out of nowhere. Except you’ve heard this before, hundreds of times, once you’ve hit your fifties.

He may even add a pat on the shoulder, a high alert warning sign that he’s pulling a power move. He knows he can get away with nonconsensual touch, and you won’t fight him on it.

Despite intentionally catching you off guard, you know what he’s doing. He’s looking for an audience, specifically from a woman he can control. If he says something, anything really, and if he’s particularly ridiculous, he can engage you. That line was him testing me, and I unfortunately passed because I didn’t ignore him or call him out.

Frankly, I’m tired of dirty old men, predominantly white, commanding my attention. They can fuck right off with that nonsense. But no matter how aware I’ve become and how many boundaries I’ve established in my later years, I still can’t shake the response I gave him. He made it sound like no big deal, as if he was truly being friendly.

Accusing me of stealing your mushrooms while making it seem like a joke isn’t a good way to keep my attention or feel safe with you. You’re not funny, I don’t know you, nor do I want to. And still, I placated you. How I wanted to respond was packed away in a tight bundle inside myself, waiting for another, braver me to cut the bind and let you have it.

We drove away, and I told my daughters, ages 14 and 10, that the man said that because he wanted an audience, and I had seen through it. It was a tactic they’ll no doubt hear again.

It’s part of the training to share that information, so they know it when they see it. I want them first to recognize that random men will approach them, but I also need to show them how to shut the men down. As girls growing up in a society filled with men trying to dominate, they’ll need to establish their power to exist in the world without a man controlling their narrative.

If some random white dude strikes up a stupid conversation with a line like that, what do you say? These days, I wonder if we can finally say something, or is it more dangerous than ever to speak up? Should we remain silent, thus not giving them anything to work with?

In the dark ages of Trump’s America, I thought I should be cautious when advising my kids to call men out. But they’re refreshingly brave and bold. My daughters speak their minds all the time, yet so far only in the safe confines of our home or their small school communities.

Maybe Gen Z and beyond will be the first to change how men approach in the first place. They’ll call out their boy peers, and those boys will grow into men who don’t fuck with women.

What would happen if we said “NO” to these guys every time they pulled a stunt? How would it feel for us to walk down the street and not get catcalled? And when a man says hello, they greet a woman with the intention to connect. No hidden agendas. No backdoor con games. No power plays. Simply trying to be a decent human being.

How refreshing it will be for women to live in a world free from misogyny. The patriarchy will fall, and it’ll take all those old men with it. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

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