Avocado Intervention

Sue Me: I Wasn’t Going to Get Involved… But Then I Did

Sometimes Minding Your Business Needs Supervision

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SOUND: Upbeat theme music. A little cluck from Ladyship.

SUE: Well, hello, sugarplums, troublemakers, and everybody listening while pretending to fold laundry.

Welcome back to Sue Me, the only podcast where I give advice nobody asked for, opinions nobody authorized, and occasionally a chicken provides legal commentary from a kitchen chair.

Ladyship is here with me today.

LADYSHIP: Cluck.

SUE: That means she’s either approving the episode or remembering I hid the good crackers.

Today’s topic is one I did not expect to have personal experience with.

Because I am a mature woman. I am composed. I am elegant. I have learned, with age and lipstick, that not every situation requires my participation.

That is what I believed.

Until Tuesday.

At the grocery store.

By the avocados.

SOUND: Soft dramatic sting.

SUE: Now, I went in for three things: coffee creamer, paper towels, and blueberries.

That’s it.

I had no plans to restore justice, rebuild civilization, or hold court in produce.

But life looked at me and said, “Sue, grab a cart. We’ve got nonsense.”

I was standing there gently squeezing an avocado, like a lady and not like a raccoon testing a doorknob, when I heard two grown people arguing.

One woman had her cart angled toward the checkout line. Another woman said she was already in line. The first woman said, “Your cart wasn’t facing forward.” The second woman said, “My cart was emotionally in line.”

Now listen.

I was not going to get involved.

I looked at my avocado. I looked at the floor. I looked at a bag of oranges like they might intervene.

They did not.

Then one of them said, “Some people just don’t understand how lines work.”

And friends?

My spirit sat up.

I still tried to stay out of it. I truly did.

But then the other woman said, “Well, some people think a cart parked sideways gives them legal rights.”

And before I knew what happened, I heard my own voice say:

“Ladies, we are not letting a buggy become a courtroom exhibit.”

SOUND: Tiny cluck of alarm.

SUE:

Both women turned.

One said, “Are you with her?”

I said, “No ma’am. I am with the truth and these avocados.”

And somehow — somehow — I became the mediator.

I asked questions.

“Who arrived first?” “Where was the cart positioned?” “Was there eye contact?” “Did anyone say, ‘Go ahead’?” “Was there a coupon involved?”

Because you have to know the facts.

A teenage employee walked by with a mop and immediately decided he did not get paid enough to witness democracy.

The woman with the sideways cart said, “I only stepped away for one second.”

I said, “To where?”

She said, “To get yogurt.”

I said, “That is not one second. That is dairy travel.”

The other woman said, “Thank you.”

I said, “Don’t get comfortable. You were also hovering in a way I would describe as aggressive.”

Now, both of them were mad at me.

Which is how I knew I was being fair.

In the end, I ruled that Sideways Cart Lady had entered the line first but abandoned her position when she went on a yogurt quest without appointing a cart guardian.

Hovering Lady was allowed to proceed, but only after apologizing for saying, “This is why society is collapsing,” which felt a little large for register three.

They both apologized.

Not warmly. Not beautifully. But enough to keep us from needing a bailiff near the bananas.

And do you know what happened next?

The cashier looked at me and said, “Thank you.”

Then another woman handed me a coupon.

Like I had been deputized.

So today we are asking:

When did you try not to get involved… but then you did?

Let’s go to the phones before Ladyship starts issuing subpoenas.

SOUND: Phone chime.

SUE:

Caller number one, you’re on Sue Me.

CALLER #1: LINDA, OHIO: Hi Sue, I once got involved in a parking lot argument over a shopping cart.

SUE: Linda, that sentence already has three red flags and a wheel.

LINDA: One woman said another woman didn’t return her cart properly.

SUE: That is a serious moral accusation in America.

LINDA: Exactly. So I stepped in and said, “Maybe she had a reason.”

SUE: Kind. Balanced. Reasonable.

LINDA: Then the woman said, “What reason?” and I panicked and said, “Maybe bees.”

SUE: Bees?

LINDA: I don’t know why I said it.

SUE: Linda, sometimes the mouth opens and a swarm comes out.

LINDA: Then everyone started looking around for bees.

SUE: So you didn’t resolve the conflict. You introduced imaginary wildlife.

LINDA: Yes.

SUE: Honestly? Not my least favorite strategy.

SOUND: Phone chime.

SUE: Caller number two.

CALLER #2: MARCUS, GEORGIA: I got involved at a family cookout.

SUE: Oh no. Family cookouts are where peace goes to sweat.

MARCUS: My two aunts were arguing over who made the potato salad.

SUE: Dangerous ground.

MARCUS: I said, “Can’t we just enjoy it?”

SUE: Marcus.

MARCUS: I know.

SUE: You walked into potato salad ownership without protective gear.

MARCUS: Then they both demanded I taste them and pick a winner.

SUE: And did you?

MARCUS: I said they were both good.

SUE: Cowardly, but survivable.

MARCUS: Then my grandma said, “That means neither one is special.”

SUE: Grandma came in with a chair.

MARCUS: The cookout was silent for ten minutes.

SUE: Marcus, next time, fake a leg cramp and leave the premises.

SOUND: Phone chime.

SUE: Caller number three.

CALLER #3: PATRICIA, ARIZONA: Hi Sue, I got involved in my neighbor’s yard sale.

SUE: That sounds innocent, which means it absolutely was not.

PATRICIA: A man tried to talk her down from two dollars to fifty cents on a lamp.

SUE: A lamp?

PATRICIA: A working lamp.

SUE: In this economy? That’s not bargaining. That’s a personality test.

PATRICIA: I said, “Sir, it has a shade and a bulb. Pay the woman.”

SUE: Correct.

PATRICIA: Then he said, “Are you the manager?”

SUE: At a yard sale?

PATRICIA: I said, “Today I am.”

SUE: Patricia, I respect the promotion you gave yourself.

PATRICIA: He paid the two dollars.

SUE: Justice with a cord and a switch. Beautiful.

SOUND: Phone chime. Slightly chaotic jingle.

SUE: All right, one more before I lose my moral authority.

CALLER #4: DONNA, NEW JERSEY: Sue, I may have gone too far.

SUE: Donna, people who begin that way usually bring paperwork.

DONNA: I did.

SUE: Of course you did.

DONNA: There was confusion in our neighborhood over trash pickup rules. People kept putting bins out too early, too late, wrong side, lids open —

SUE: Donna.

DONNA: So I created a laminated guide.

SUE: Mm-hmm.

DONNA: Then a color-coded map.

SUE: There she goes.

DONNA: Then I added a weekly inspection checklist.

SUE: Donna.

DONNA: Then I made badges.

SUE: You made what?

DONNA: Just small badges. For volunteers.

SUE: You formed a trash militia.

DONNA: Not officially.

SUE: Did the badges have titles?

DONNA: Mine said, “Waste Captain.”

SUE: Donna, you did not get involved. You incorporated.

DONNA: My husband says I need a hobby.

SUE: Donna, you have a hobby. Unfortunately, it’s municipal power.

DONNA: Should I step back?

SUE: Yes. Remove the badge. Retire the clipboard. Let a few lids be crooked. The republic will survive.

DONNA: Can I keep the map?

SUE: Only if it stays in a drawer and does not have glitter pins.

DONNA: It has glitter pins.

SUE: Ladyship, make a note.

LADYSHIP: Sharp cluck.

SUE: She’s concerned, Donna.

SOUND: Gentle theme music begins under Sue.

SUE: Well, my darlings, here is what I learned this week.

Minding your business is a fine thing.

Peaceful. Mature. Good for the blood pressure.

But now and then, life stages a full production right in front of your cart.

And you have a choice.

You can keep walking.

You can pretend you didn’t hear it.

Or you can take one calm breath and say, “Now hold on.”

The trick is knowing the difference between being helpful and becoming Donna with glitter pins.

So this week, may your errands be quiet, your carts roll straight, your avocados be perfect by tomorrow, and may you only get involved when kindness, fairness, or common sense taps you gently on the shoulder.

And remember:

I wasn’t going to get involved…

but if you’re going to argue in front of me, you’re going to do it correctly.

LADYSHIP: Cluck.

SUE: That’s Ladyship’s legal opinion, and frankly, it’s binding.

I’m Granny Sue, and this has been Sue Me.

Now mind your business…

unless your business needs supervision.

SOUND: Theme music rises. Ladyship clucks once more.

© 2026 Trish Church. All rights reserved.

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