Entry No . 2 : I don’t care if it’s self-indulgent to see my world, and yours, as fiction.

Entry No . 2 : I don’t care if it’s self-indulgent to see my world, and yours, as fiction.

The day is so long when it is empty. Busyness and keeping busy to fill the space between the beginning of the day and the end of it. Restlessness, relaxation, and the spectrum between that. A solution that comes in handy for me is to write. Wow, how brave and pretentious, nonetheless it’s my mode of action, because if it’s not going out and dancing, it will be writing. Being a writer is funny, because I seek to read things like my own work. It’s not necessarily intentional, but I suppose it’s because it’s what I know and it connects with me the most. When I find a really spectacular piece of writing, I think it is usually because they have written something I have been trying to express, in many different words, but have not landed on it yet. What’s interesting to me too is how I interpret the non-fiction as fiction to make it enjoyable or romantic for myself. I mainly do this with other people’s work, but I think in a way I do it to my own work too. Not just written word, but experience. There’s terms for this sort of thing, and some may loosely label it as seeing the past through rose tinted glasses, but I think it is much more imaginative and colourful than just a wash of light pink. Seeing other people’s real life world’s as stories, and then too seeing my world as a story. It makes life more enticing. The play, the show, the narrative of a lived experience. The telling of the event after. Is that not always more crucial than the event itself? What is equally as fun as the story after, is living the plot of the event as is it happening, and having a knowing that this 3rd person future me is watching it too, from another maybe morphed perspective. And is all of this just a performance, a piece of opera to have an audience for? Oh probably, but I don’t care, I have enough to feel immoral about. I have enough to concern myself with, so I see no problem with making my life a three part mini opera, even if the show of it all is just for myself. Writing it out for me to read back, or playing a visual of a future event, in my head, before it happens. And I’m going out dancing tonight and I will be drunk and I can’t wait to be looked at. I’m painfully self-aware and so I see no issue with indulging in some of it, especially if it fuels my career as a writer. I’m sure I’ll change my mind about all of this, and then change it back again. Toying between the performance and then the invisibility but I’m much too exhausted with the rest of existence to deny myself the fun of being adored in perhaps an ego driven way by others, and by myself. I’m going dancing tonight; I’m going to drink and go out dancing.