Experiencing Anxious Attachments

Sad girl by the window in deep thought. Photo by Marcos Paulo Prado on Unsplash

Dearest Bees,

I have a confession: post-divorce, I realised I have an anxious attachment style which I need to heal from.

For all my millennials and Gen Xers, yes, another one of those new-fangled dating terms. According to Cleveland Clinic, “An anxious attachment style is an insecure attachment style that’s characterized by a strong desire for meaningful relationships, a fear of abandonment and rejection, and a high need for reassurance and support.”

In essence, your nervous system goes completely kaput the minute you notice the slightest change in someone’s behaviour and yada yada yada.

I admit, I have always had a fear of abandonment. It got worse after my divorce because, in some strange and unfortunate way, it proved that tiny voice in my noggin right: I am easy to abandon.

And naturally, that takes quite the hit on your self-esteem.

I apologise, my dearest Bees. Queen Bee over here is going through a bit of a downward spiral.

So what did this Bee end up doing to warrant this downward spiral? She decided to get attached to an avoidant.

“An avoidant attachment style is an insecure relationship style characterized by a strong discomfort with emotions, a high need for independence and a difficulty feeling close with other people.” Just FYI.

I swear, dating used to be easier back in the early 2000s and 2010s. You like someone, they like you back, boom, you’re in a relationship.

Cue dating in 2026. Now we have situationships, flings, casual dating, talking stages, exclusivity without relationships, relationships without labels, and apparently everything under the sun except two people simply deciding they like each other enough to build something substantial.

Excuse the rant. I am tired of it. I spent a good week trying to get over my avoidant. And I am human. I have my fears. Despite what I may post on social media, or how calm and composed I may look outwardly, I have moments where I completely crumble.

At first, I felt embarrassed to be feeling all these emotions. I even felt shy to be seen in public while going out on dates. Mind you, dearest Bees, after being a wife for so long, dating felt strange. Almost childish.

Yet, I suppose this is all part of my journey back into the dating world. Growth in adult relationships. Learning what I want, what I don’t want, what I can tolerate, and what I absolutely cannot.

Perhaps no one will ever read this blog article. Perhaps no one will even bother. But I know that one day, when I am in a happier state of mind, I will come back and read these articles and think, “Thank God I am out of it.”

Whether I am single or not.

Going back to it, yes, I have started dipping my toes into the dating world. I have decided to experiment a little and see what works for me. In the process, of course, I get hurt. I get upset. I get anxious. Sometimes ridiculously so. One thing that keeps me grounded is believing in God’s promises. I am also working on calming my anxious attachment through reading, writing these little blog articles, talking to friends, and cultivating more positive ways of thinking.

But genuinely, my dearest Bees, I am sad.

And instead of trying to intellectualise it, fix it, attach a psychological term to it, or convince myself that I shouldn’t be feeling this way, I think I am simply going to let myself be sad for the rest of the week.

I liked someone. I hoped for something. It didn’t become what I wanted it to become.

And that hurts.

So, I will allow myself to feel it. I will sulk a little. I will probably overthink a little. I may even shed a few dramatic tears because, well, this Bee has never exactly been known for doing emotions halfway.

And then?

I’ll get back up on the horse.

Because anxious attachment or not, heartbreak or not, divorce or not, I am still learning that being abandoned by someone else does not mean I have to abandon myself.