An Arsenal of Absurdity: Commando (1985) Film Review

If you have a craving for cinematic cheese, look no further. Commando isn’t just cheesy; it’s the movie equivalent of a bubbling fondue pot, a veritable feast of glorious 80s action absurdity. It’s less a film and more a collection of impossibly macho moments stitched together.

Here are the seven cheesiest, most ludicrously entertaining moments that make this film a masterpiece of unintentional comedy:

1- The Unbelievable Un-landing: Jumping from an airplane cruising at thousands of feet, only to splash down in a conveniently placed marsh without so much as a broken nail. Newton’s laws of motion apparently took the day off.

Moments before the smooth landing

2- The Courteous Killer: Why be subtle when you can be polite? Tapping a bad guy on the shoulder before you dispatch him or greeting another with a casual “¿Cómo estás?” is apparently the professional way to conduct a rampage (especially if you’re at the disadvantage and the gun you don’t have and you’ll (and he did indeed) suffer taking it from them.

“Hey, look at me, so I can be in the unnecessary disadvantage”

3- The Cliché Click: After an intense gun-fu grapple, the villain finally gets the upper hand and points his gun square at Arnold’s chest. He pulls the trigger with a triumphant look, only to be met with the deafening click of an empty chamber. A trope so tired, it’s practically in a coma.

Even the lines were cloned from The Terminator

4- The Mandatory Sidekick: What does a one-man-army on a deeply personal and time-sensitive rescue mission need? A civilian burden, of course. It was a transparent excuse to shoehorn in a sassy sidekick, thankfully stopping short of ticking any other alphabet people that they didn’t care about (yet) at that time.

5- Reverse Psychology for Dummies: The hero, with his daughter held at gunpoint, goads the villain: “Don’t shoot me with the girl as a hostage, kill me like a man!” The villain, a strategic genius, promptly agrees, shouting, “I don’t need a gun! I don’t need the girl!” It’s a tactic so dumb; it circles back to being brilliant.

Even Alyssa Milano is disgusted

6- The Promise: The painfully earnest exchange, “You won’t go anywhere, will you? You promise?” is followed by an awkwardly long, cheesy silence before our hero mutters, “I promise.” The dramatic tension is thick enough to spread on toast.

ROFL

7- The Cleanup Crew: When the actual army finally arrives and asks if there’s anything left for them to do, our hero, standing amidst a mountain of vanquished foes, delivers the immortal line: “Just bodies.” Translation: I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. You guys are just here to take out the trash whilst looking at me admirably.

Typical Zio

Rating: 2.82/10

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