You Buy Two Pounds of Chia Seeds and What Do You Get?

FOOD, IF YOU WANT TO CALL IT THAT

You Buy Two Pounds of Chia Seeds and What Do You Get?

Another day older and deeper in debt

Photo by the author

For some reason that I’m sure makes sense to Amazon, this two-pound bag of chia seeds was half the price of a one-pound bag of chia seeds.

Where’s a chia pet when you need one?

Or 12?

Or maybe a flock of birds.

What exactly is a chia, anyway?

When I was a kid, we didn’t have chia seeds. We had peanut butter, and nobody was allergic to it.

Chia seeds are the annoying beach sand of food. Every time I try to scoop some out, they get into every nook and cranny of my kitchen. You need the steady hands of a neurosurgeon just to put them in a bowl.

The bag says I can just grab a handful and shove them in my mouth as a “snack”.

A snack in Hell maybe. A snack as punishment for some heinous crime I’ve committed.

I could go grab a fistful of dirt and it’d taste the same.

So far the only success I’ve had with this bag of sea monkey eggs is a “chia pudding” comprised of blueberries, milk, yogurt, and some maple syrup.

So, yeah, it’s yogurt with chia seeds. Thanks for the recipe, Instagram.

The only thing to know is that, like gremlins, when these suckers get wet, they change.

And not in a good way.

In a gelatinous, goopy, slimy way.

And they will STILL get stuck in your teeth.

I was looking for Stripe, but Gizmo will have to do.

I am going to be buried with this bag of chia seeds because I’m too stubborn to throw it away, but too uninterested to do anything with it.

Also, I am but one person.

How many chia seeds can one person use?

The bag’s pretty heavy — I could use it for strength training.

In a pinch, I could spread some under my tires for traction in the snow, like cat litter.

I could go to a wedding and fling them at the bride and groom.

I could mix them with soap as an exfoliant, until they gelled up and clogged my drain.

Apparently the Aztecs and whatnot were big on chia seeds:

The Mexican Tarahumara tribe is famous for their runners. These runners drink a mixture of chia seeds, lemon, and water called Iskiate. After drinking this, they are said to be able to run hundreds of miles.

Yeah, because they’re looking for a McDonald’s.

Seeing what these bad boys do in yogurt, I’m a little concerned about just tossing them in my mouth and letting nature take its course.

That scene from Willy Wonka where Violet Beauregarde inflates like a blue balloon is never far from my mind.

screenrant.com

Maybe I can sell them on Facebook Marketplace:

“Bag of organic chia seeds, gently used.”