Life around the house

My Husband Mistook My Comfy Look for a Romantic Invitation

I accidentally triggered his let’s get it on radar

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My husband went to the Harbor Freight parking lot sale. This is not just an expression. In California, they really line up tables full of tools, and men wander around parking lots buying them like broke brides at a Nordstrom designer basement sale. He had his eye on a few tools and things.

I have no problem with his proclivity for tools. I can’t tell you how much money my spouse has saved by fixing things. He spent many years in manufacturing plants, managing the facilities engineering groups. If something broke, he and the tradespeople would figure out how to repair it.

Saving money with mechanical skill

Last year, our air conditioner was acting up. To get it to work, we had to turn it off and on like it was a failing computer. We called an air-conditioning repair company for service. The technician told us we needed a new air conditioning system because multiple components were failing.

The AC technician recommended we replace our AC for $20,000. My spouse said, no thank you and sent him on his way. He said that for $20,000, he could afford to investigate the air-conditioning system himself before setting fire to a pile of cash in our driveway.

He first researched the unit, then troubleshot it for a couple of days. In the end, he replaced a fan motor purchased on Amazon for $300. The air conditioner has been working well since. He saved us $19,700 with that single repair.

Thinking kindly about how well he had taken care of me and our home for four decades, I accidentally gave him a hotter kiss than I intended as he left. I told him I appreciated him and that I would see him later.

By myself, doing whatever I wanted

As soon as he left, I began an entire in-home beauty routine. I am an older woman, so I require maintenance. I love my spouse, and I love being home alone without my spouse.

I immediately took off all my clothes and put on my comfortable old robe. I owned this robe for a long, long time; it is soft, familiar, and raggedy — a favorite.

I pulled out the wax and waxed my underarms, lips, and chin. Then I washed and deep-conditioned my hair. I combed it straight up on top of my head to dry. It looked like a tangled bird’s nest.

Next, I scrubbed my face with the once-a-week face cleaner and brush, then slathered the thick white moisturizer everywhere.

I put a towel in the towel warmer. I was going to run a warm Epsom salt bath, soak, have a glass of wine, and take a nap as soon as I finished all the maintenance work.

Last, I took the ultraviolet teeth whitener out and stuck it in my mouth, opened my podcast app, and started a podcast.

I sat in my bed, relaxed, since it took 20 minutes to keep my old teeth neutral. Old teeth want to look brown, but I am not having it when 20 minutes a month keeps them looking the same.

He gave me that look while I looked like “Who shot John?”

The Ring doorbell app on my phone tells me that the front door opened. My spouse walks into the bedroom and sees me sitting on the bed. He is back earlier than expected. I hoped to be napping by the time he returned.

Understand how I looked. There is face cream on my face; I’m sitting in my ratty robe; my hair is a tangled mess, and I am slobbering all over a device that whitens my teeth.

My spouse must have found what he was looking for because he was smiling as he came in. He looked at me for a moment, then got that look in his eyes. You know, THAT look.

He says, in that voice, “Do you want me to run your bath for you?” He knows what I am doing because we have been married for decades. Sometimes he was home for the entire shabang.

I’m thinking to myself, “Who in the world is he seeing?”

Certainly not the ratty woman on the bed looking rough? Who is he leering at with that lustful smile? Have they started selling erotic materials next to the screwdrivers at Harbor Freight? I made a show of looking around our bedroom. What I say is, “Thanks, honey. That would be great.”

He ran my bath. He also resets the towel timer in the warmer, then adds Epsom salt and lavender bubble bath to my tub. That is the formula for a slick, fragrant bath. He fills the tub almost to overflowing with hot water.

He sees me differently from how I actually look

I know I’m in trouble when he refills my wine glass while saying the bath is ready. My spouse does not drink but doesn’t care if I do. The last time he had a drink was when we were in Amsterdam, nine months before the global pandemic.

When he casually says, “I feel sticky; I’m going to take a shower.” I know it’s on. It only occurs to me as he gets into the shower, while I am soaking, that perhaps he misinterpreted my appreciation when he left to go shopping.

Oh, well. “I brought this on myself; serendipity strikes again.”

He could have come in and run into the garage to try out whatever tool he just bought. Instead, it appears the thought of afternoon delight has his attention focused on me. I guess I can count it as part of my beauty routine. After all, I am doing a pampering routine.

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