Memoirs of a Breastfeeding Mother

I remember when I started breastfeeding my eldest. As a first time mum knowing absolutely nothing about breastfeeding other than “breast is best” and it’s convenience over formula feeding, I paid no mind to any other option.

I remember the first latch. The shock at how it worked so well and so naturally, I was grateful that this was my experience as I know not every baby latches well. But I also remember the pain. The pain of the latch came after the adrenaline wore off. Still in the hospital awaiting my discharge asked the postnatal midwife if pain was normal. She advised me that there should be an initial pain with the latch, but it should subside after some seconds. If the pain was too much, then I could try to self-express colostrum and use a syringe to feed my baby. She taught me some self-expression methods.

I carried on breastfeeding, alternating between breast and syringe for the first night. Then a different pain came — the pain of my uterus contracting. I had an uneventful, unmedicated labour in the hospital. I say this to say: the uterine contractions while breastfeeding were on par with the labour contractions.

I sat up in bed crying that first night. Crying from the pain. I had the pain of my baby’s latch and the pain of my uterine contractions, radiating through my body, simultaneously. It was one of the first times I’d say I really saw my husband pity me.

I made it a habit to ask at every Health Visitor appointment if the pain was “normal”. They always checked my latch and reassured me. One said a “toe-curling” pain is expected, but it should subside during the feed. I knew I wanted to breastfeed and that breastmilk/colostrum is the best early food you can give your baby. So I pushed through.

I pushed through the days of the uterine contractions (did you know your uterus contracts after vaginal delivery to get back to its pre-pregnancy size? and that it hurts? and the pain gets worse after every child? Yeah, me neither). I pushed though the cracked, scabby and sore nipples. I pushed through it all to give my baby the best I could. After the season of pain, it was bliss. Looking back, I could have tried the silver nipple shields, but I know back then I didn’t want any sort of interference with feeding my baby. Perhaps it was ignorance or pride?

I breastfed my first for 16 months. I quit my job while on maternity leave; we had relocated and I didn’t think they’d let me remain hybrid as they did for my last trimester. It was such a battle to be granted hybrid working in the first place. Becoming a stay-at-home-mum (SAHM) meant I could fully focus on raising our daughter. It meant no childcare, no strangers watching our baby, and more intimacy. So breastfeeding for 16 months was easy.

I stopped at that point simply because… it felt like the right time. I can’t explain it any other way. I had already started removing the day and afternoon feeds at this point, then I felt an internal prompt to start weaning off the night feeds. Within a week or so, breastfeeding was over. Aside from the physical pain of stopping (a story for another day) I was happy. It felt like the right time and it happened smoothly. My daughter was still boob-obsessed for about a year after, but we were finished, and it felt wonderful.

Fast forward to today, here I am at almost 9 months post-partum in Maternity Leave from a different job, already steadily weaning my baby off the morning and then afternoon feeds. Why? To prepare her for nursery in just over 3 months time.

It’s not just nursery, it’s the settling-in sessions the month prior.

It’s not just the settling-in sessions the month prior, it’s the Keeping In-Touch (KIT) days for work the month prior to that.

Essentially, the time is coming where I won’t be able to enjoy the freedom of intimacy I had with my firstborn. If only I had known it would be something to miss.

As I prepare to return to work, an experience I was blessed to evade with my eldest, I feel robbed. Robbed of time and intimacy with my own baby. I loved that I could freely give my firstborn what she needed and when. I loved that the weaning stage felt natural and gradual; not rushed for either of us. But this? This feels forced. I’ve found myself googling if it’s even okay to drop some breastfeeding at this age; it just feels too early.

Too early to send her to nursery when she can’t walk or talk yet, too early to reduce her breastfeeds… too early for everything.

I know that I can, and probably will, still breastfeed in the evenings after work, and definitely still through the night too. But it won’t be the same. And it doesn’t feel like… the right time.

I know that I can, and probably will not, pump and give her breastmilk in a bottle. But my girls tend not to like bottles or dummies. They prefer the real deal, and I don’t blame them. Plus, pumping is so tedious. I pumped for the first 2 months of my youngest’s life and the milk remains in the freezer till this day. We’ve not had any reason to use it and I can’t bring myself to throw away my hard work. I’ll probably use it to bathe the girls at some point.

So this has been a challenging season for me because, believe it or not, I love breastfeeding. I love that it causes you to slow down and just look at your baby. I love that it gives your baby everything that they need, when they need it. I love that it doesn’t need to be prepared; warmed up or cooled down, it’s just right — every time. Breastfeeding is undeniably one of God’s coolest creations — His design is remarkable.

With every challenging season comes a need to amp up prayer and intimacy with God Almighty. In this season of doing things differently to what I would prefer, I realise an exhausted sigh of prayer. No words, just groanings of my spirit saying all the things I cannot.

Sometimes the most powerful prayer is silence of the mouth but an outpouring of the heart.

As a Christian, I believe prayer is a non-negotiable in life. As a Christian wife and mother, it ought to be a crucial part of your being. There are so many forces at play and areas that require guidance; things that only God can resolve.

I wrote a 7-day devotional tailored for women, covering 7 areas of prayer every woman should address spiritually in her home. You can check out the devotional, Devoted, here.

But, hey, this is not all doom-and-gloom, right? There are countless benefits of stopping breastfeeding. The obvious being:

• Your baby doesn’t have to go wherever you go
• You can leave your baby with anyone (that you trust)
• You can wear whatever you want! No more breastfeeding friendly outfits (unless that’s your vibe now)

I have a spa day with my bestie in a couple of weeks — my daughter will be weaned fully off breakfast and lunch by then which will be easier for my husband to watch her and her sister, and easier on my mind while I’m there.

It also means more opportunities for date nights (or afternoons)!

So although I’m grieved at having to stop breastfeeding much, much earlier than I would like, I’m looking forward to the freedom it will bring.

If you’re reading this and you’re at the beginning, middle or end of your breastfeeding journey — I see you!

If you’re considering stopping breastfeeding — unless your physical and/or mental health are adversely affected/you’ve been medically/professionally advised to stop — push through!

There is no greater intimacy between a mum and her baby than breastfeeding. You literally cannot get anymore connected. It is such a superpower from God, embrace it.