The Secret to Building a Church Where People Tell the Truth

What psychology, spiritual formation, and the teachings of Jesus reveal about authentic community

Image by PeopleImages on iStock

Let me ask you a question.

What prevents people from being vulnerable, opening up, and sharing their real struggles in a church?

Chances are, you said, “Because they are scared they will be judged or worse, rejected,” or words to that effect. And that’s a real shame. Because of all the places where one should feel safe to share their authentic self — warts and all — you would think that the church should be that place.

However, the fact of the matter is that, often, our sense of belonging in a church community is linked to our ability to maintain a certain standard of behavior and a certain set of beliefs. So, at times, it can feel unsafe to come clean about our doubts, our struggles, and our fears.

At the front door of my old church, there was a tall ceramic pot that served a very important purpose. On rainy days, it dutifully held wet umbrellas to prevent water from dripping onto the church floors. Sometimes, it feels like when we walk into the church, we also have to leave our true selves at the door. We may feel the need to check our imperfections, our doubts, and our emotional burdens at the entrance, just like those umbrellas, to keep the church’s atmosphere “clean” and orderly.

Of course, the problem is that true discipleship demands that we go into the cave of our wounds and mine the gold that could be found there. No one learns much when life is easy, which is probably why suppressing our pain never ends well. True growth, on the other hand, comes from acknowledging and confronting our deepest pains and vulnerabilities.

This process requires a safe space where people can explore those aspects of themselves without fear of judgment or rejection. There has to be an environment where someone can say, “Hey, I’m having doubts,” or “I’m really struggling with this issue,” and know that they will be met with empathy and support rather than criticism or dismissal.

Is it possible to create a spiritual community where people are safe to share?

I say, yes, it is.

However, it requires intentionality, careful facilitating, and a hard-and-fast commitment to listening without judging, critiquing, questioning, or interrupting. Imagine you have gathered a group of people together for the purpose of deep sharing and listening. Here is how I create safe spaces within my spiritual community.

Everyone on the same level

Firstly, to create a safe space for sharing, everyone must be on the same level. There must be no front and no back and no stage or platform. Therefore, it makes sense to sit in a circle. Sitting together in this way signifies our commitment to mutual respect, openness, and a willingness to listen deeply to one another.

Use a talking piece

Often, when people talk to us, we tend to interject with cross-talk or respond before fully listening. Using a talking piece, whether it’s a ceremonial object or a symbolic token, helps us practice the art of not interrupting (yes, it is an art). When someone holds the talking piece, they have the floor, and it’s our role to listen attentively without saying anything.

And I mean anything!

To add meaning to this process, have a number of different objects that people can use as a talking piece. That way, they can grab the item that they are drawn to, whether it’s a smooth stone that signifies grounding, a feather symbolizing lightness, or a wooden figurine representing strength. Each object can carry personal significance.

Set the Rules

To truly create a safe space for sharing, there must be ground rules. Start by sharing those ground rules so that everyone is clear. Each time I run a group like this, I share this with the group. Feel free to use this verbatim:

“What we are about to do is provide a space where every person can be listened to and heard. Every time we meet, there are four intentions to our gathering.

1. Speak from the heart — Share your story, not your opinion.
2. Listen from the heart — don’t plan what you’re going to say while you are listening to someone else. Be fully present to their story.
3. Be lean of expression — don’t waffle; get to the heart of the matter.
4. Be spontaneous — don’t rehearse before you speak!

We are not here to fix one another. We are not here to judge, compete, or compare with each other. We are not here to give advice or ask questions. We gather to listen and receive what is shared.

Everyone is invited to talk. No one should dominate and/or control the sharing. No one is forced to share, but if a person has nothing to share, they are still invited to hold the talking piece and hold the silence. This is their time, and this invites every one to be present, whether they are sharing or not.

Talk more about what is going on inside you than giving lectures, sermons, opinions, or ideas — especially abstract things about anything going on ‘out there.’ Transformation doesn’t take place in our heads.

Use “I” statements. Such as “I am …” or “I feel ….” or “I have experienced….”. “I am angry.” Avoid talking about others: “they shouldn’t…” or “he hasn’t…..”

No “cross-talk.” There is no need to agree, disagree, comment, judge, or critique what another says. Receive it as it is said. This is called ‘redemptive listening.’

Everything that is said in the group is CONFIDENTIAL. What is said in this group stays in your group. Circles are to be SAFE places for every person.

Accept each person in the here and now. Let go of first impressions, past information, or assumptions. We all start from zero together.

After each person has shared, all are encouraged to say, We hear you.” This does not mean you agree with what you heard, but that you heard it.

Set apart the space

Before you invite the people in the circle to share, it’s important to set apart the circle as an intentional space for listening. This can be done through a dedication, where someone steps into the circle and dedicates the time to someone or something. It could be a person, an emotion, an experience, an object, or an intention. For example, “I would like to dedicate this time toward being heard” would be a great dedication, or “I would like to dedicate this time to our families.”

It can be anything, really.

The purpose is to establish the space as sacred. After all, when people share deeply their stories and experiences, they are offering a part of themselves, and it becomes a moment of profound connection and vulnerability. It is “holy ground.”

Light a candle

It might seem like a small thing, but lighting a candle in the center of the circle as part of the dedication gives the circle a point of focus. Sometimes, when people share stories that include elements of guilt, shame, fear, doubt or pain, it’s hard to look others in the eye. The flame in the middle of the circle provides a focal point — a gentle source of light that invites everyone to gather around it with openness and compassion but without having to eyeball everyone.

Photo by Paolo Nicolello on Unsplash

Start with silence

Start the circle with a moment of silence. This intentional pause allows everyone to center themselves, leaving behind the distractions of the outside world and preparing all participants to fully engage in the present moment. As you initiate this moment of silence, encourage everyone to focus on their breath, grounding themselves in the shared space that has been created. People may choose to pray during this time, but the prayer ought to be a prayer of noticing God’s presence rather than giving God a shopping list of your needs.

After all, the purpose of the silence is presence. It is a collective acknowledgment of the importance of each God’s presence and each person’s presence and the value of what each individual brings to the circle. It sets the tone for respectful listening.

Use poetry or prose

Preaching speaks to the mind, but poetry speaks to the soul. Introduce a theme or an idea by reading a poem or story or by quoting the lyrics to a song. This is really about the heart, so using poetry invites people to drop down out of their minds and into the deep places within.

Remember, transformation doesn’t happen in the mind.

Introduce a prompt

Don’t try to cover too much. Introduce a simple prompt that relates to your theme. It’s great to use the words “Tell us a story about a time…” because stories are what truly connects people. We are not after opinions or beliefs. We want to hear their stories.

Then, allow people to pick up a talking piece and share their stories one by one. Do not be scared of silence or awkward pauses.

Witness the stories

After everyone has shared their story, it is very powerful to have what I call a “witnessing round” where everyone is invited to speak aloud the parts of other people’s stories that have resonated with them. In turn, people should say: “I heard someone say…” and then insert a snippet of what someone said. This should happen spontaneously in a “popcorn” style, where each person contributes without a structured order.

This spontaneous sharing allows participants to highlight moments that touched them deeply or brought new understanding. Moreover, it reinforces the idea that everyone’s story is valued and worthy of acknowledgment within the community.

Trust the spirit to do the spirit’s work.

There is no need to do any teaching in this space. Even in the act of speaking out their story, people often find answers to their own questions or have some kind of revelation that is helpful — even transformative. It is as if “story” is the native tongue of God.

By relinquishing the urge to instruct or guide and instead allowing the organic flow of stories and responses, participants create space for the spirit to move freely among them. Each participant becomes both a speaker and a listener, contributing to the collective wisdom and healing of the group. In this way, the circle becomes more than just a place for sharing — it becomes a sacred space where the spirit can work his magic.

Intentionally close the space

Always finish the time of sharing with an intentional action that signifies the closing of the circle. That could be something as simple as blowing out the candle together. This act not only brings closure but also marks a transition back to ordinary time and space.

Another meaningful ritual is to have a closing prayer or blessing offered by a participant or facilitator, acknowledging the experiences shared and expressing gratitude for the gift of trust that each person has offered to each other.

Whatever the chosen ritual, the key is to create a sense of completion and reverence for what has been shared. It reinforces the importance of the space that was held and the connections that were deepened during the sharing circle. This intentional closing allows participants to leave with a sense of closure and purpose, knowing that their stories were heard and honored in a safe and supportive environment.

How it Works in Practice

“I think I married the wrong woman.”

It was shocking to hear a man say it out loud, especially a married man from the church where such thoughts — if they were even allowed to be thought — remained chained to the floor in the safety of man’s mind.

But here, in this quiet moment of vulnerability, this man confronted a truth he had long hidden from everyone.

Usually, to make such an utterance would leave a man utterly exposed to judgment and condemnation from the self-righteous and the sanctimonious. Indeed, such a taboo truth offered in the wrong company could alienate him from his community, tarnish his reputation, and unravel the carefully constructed façade of his life.

Fortunately for the man who shared this truth, he was surrounded by others who would not judge him for his candid admission. He was part of one of the listening circles I run, where people are provided with a safe space to be completely real with the promise of no judgment. We don’t critique. We don’t give advice. We don’t interrupt. We just listen as people pour out their hearts.

As the words of this man’s story settled, the room remained silent, save for the soft exhales and the gentle flicker of candles casting dancing shadows on the walls. Then, another man’s voice emerged from the depths of the circle.

“I hear you,” it said.

And the man who shared his story wept quietly while the Holy Spirit brought comfort and conviction. The men surrounding him understood that they were part of a sacred moment when a person becomes their most vulnerable self. To go to the depths of one’s own doubts, fears, and weaknesses represents a great and terrible risk. To be brave enough to expose our greatest weaknesses demands our greatest strength.

However, in this dark cave, transformation takes place.

Sounds scary!

Imagine being part of a faith community where expressing doubts or struggles doesn’t lead to judgment or ostracization but instead fosters deeper understanding and compassion. Picture a place where authenticity is not just accepted but celebrated, where people are encouraged to wrestle with their faith openly and honestly without fear of reprisal.

In this community, vulnerability is seen as a strength rather than a weakness. People are valued not for their appearance of perfection, but for their willingness to engage in genuine, soul-searching dialogue. Here, differences of opinion are welcomed as opportunities for growth and learning, rather than causes for division.

Imagine a faith community where individuals feel safe enough to share their deepest fears, their most profound doubts, and their greatest hopes without hesitation. It’s a place where stories of struggle are met with empathy and support, where every voice is heard and honored as an essential part of the collective journey toward Christlikeness.

It sounds like a place where faith isn’t just practiced but truly lived.

And I want to be part of a community like this!

Dan Foster is the author of “The Bible is Your Story: What the characters of Scripture reveal about the patterns shaping your life.”

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