The strange helplessness of being an overachiever in her late 20's

I had to recently accept the fact that I have actually entered my “late 20s” after my 28th birthday. It was not a fun time. My birthday in general is something I have stopped looking forward to for a few years now because it feels like packing away yet another year of personal failure (it doesn’t help that my birthday happens to be a few days before the new year). Lately, this feeling has extended to a wider range of experiences.

I moved to the UK about 30 months ago and it has been transformational in more than one way. I learned how to be an adult here for what feels like the first time. Setting up a home and looking after myself while also trying to maintain that childlike sense of curiosity and enthusiasm that is needed for both my work and my hobby is a mind numbing experience. Living away from family, separating myself from my past and realising how it has shaped the good and bad of me only adds to that loneliness. I have always been nearly hyper-independent. The only child who needs no help in living, suddenly is having to deal with feelings and emotions and desires and wants that are not associated with her academic success.

Events from last year have also made me question my life choices. I chose to almost abandon everything back home in search of my own happiness and meaning in life, as one should, because we are only going to have this one chance. But having a family member being terminally ill and not being able to see them before they passed, truly puts into perspective that this choice, this race to be the latest and greatest isn’t without its cost.

All of this to say that I don’t know how to pick apart life and deal with it in bite-sized portions at this point. It feels overwhelming the best of days and work itself feels like escapism. I have managed to achieve a level of nonchalance that lets me function without constantly spiralling into cycles of existential crisis. But then life altering events shake my foundations and I am left wondering, what is all of this worth? What is the value in anything at all?