Faux-Collar Crime

We saw the fuck around and find out graph as our scripture.

Photo by Roger Skaer

We like going to busy stores to tell store employees we saw a little blonde girl all alone crying and that we hope someone can help reunite her with her guardians. There of course is never a missing girl, and the managers never catch on to our act because we never go to the same store twice, and we are always sure to walk with a purpose so as the moment we give out the vague description we are already out the door. We do this because we were born with an ailment called a guilty conscience, and we read online that committing nonviolent acts of chaos is a great remedy to dilute such an illness down, so that we could build ourselves an immunity to one day commit real crimes with the reassurance we would never feel the need to turn ourselves in. We liked the savior complex aura we would be adorned with by the worried employees thanks to our missing white woman syndrome prank. But we did not stick to our prank because we wanted to avenge ourselves from being unlikable or from being nice people who never get a break. We did it for one reason only: because we can, and since we can, why not? We saw the fuck around and find out graph as our scripture, and now that we have incorporated it fully, we are now able to do what we had wanted to do the moment we realized we didn’t mind if people thought we were immoral anymore. We are ready for more than a sympathetic “Thank you” for sharing the good news of yet another faux Amber Alert. We are ready to commit a crime for real.