Locked into parenthood

Becoming new parents in lockdown

So we became parents in October 2020. Just as Tier 3 hit in London. I wouldn’t recommend it. I’m still bitter about the restrictions in hospital during labour and birth, and the lack of support afterwards would have been funny had I not got PND.

To add to the complications we had one of those babies. You know — the one that’s always screaming and everyone just gives sympathetic looks to. 2 weeks later everyone was in lockdown and we still hadn’t been able to lay down our newborn. We became those parents, the hippies who didn’t fit in with our NCT group; we co-slept, breastfed, baby-carried and he was a cloth bum to boot!

He slept on me, and was attached to me from 4pm-9am else he was crying. According to the midwives and health visitors we just had a ‘cuddly baby’, but nothing soothed him except breastmilk. I felt like I was just a milk machine, not wanted for cuddles, just milk, always milk. Meanwhile I’m eating everything in the house and we’ve tried out every earplug going — nothing helped! I also didn’t realise I was triggered so much by noise, but your own baby crying is the most triggering thing I’ve ever experienced. I was already a hormonal wreck so none of this helped.

Discovered he had silent reflux caused by allergies to milk, soya, beef and egg through my diet. The baby reflux lady book is amazing if you are struggling with this. But we had 6 weeks of absolute hell where I didn’t want to wake up let alone get out of bed. We were told to go to children’s A&E when he was 6 days old as he had blood in his stool — I had to go in alone with a newborn 6 days after major abdominal surgery. They asked me if he was doing ‘x’ more than normal — we’d only just met this little chap let alone know his personality! They took bloods from his tiny hand (I was a wreck), weighed him, I fed him ALOT on those uncomfortable seats, and then begged to be let out to wait for the results with my wife in the car park. No one mentioned allergies.

My C-section scar was still healing and the GP would only see me with my baby for his vaccinations (needless to say we delayed these until we knew what he was allergic to as injecting him with egg albumin and beef gelatine seemed a little rash before we knew his issues). So even though I thought my scar might be infected the GP wouldn’t see me until another month had passed. There were no breastfeeding cafes in-person because of lockdown, and even in hospital his latch was checked after 24hrs of asking from 3m away. I paid for an online lactation consultation (along with my counselling despite being unable to work for the year due to covid). Most new parents never saw a health visitor in the first year or had their baby weighed.

It wasn’t until he was 5 weeks and another new mum I went for a walk with mentioned her older baby had similar symptoms and it was a dairy allergy. So I did some searching on the internet and discovered he had alot more symptoms of allergies. I cut out all dairy, he still wasn’t great after a couple of weeks so then I cut out soya. There was a massive improvement but still frequently nights when we were shouting at each other over a screaming baby and questioning what I had eaten that day. Having been together for 10 years we argued more in those first 10 weeks than we ever had.

I ended up doing the elimination challenge whilst exclusively breastfeeding a 2month old; which if you’ve not experienced it, it is a hunger you can never satiate. Changing your diet massively and using alternatives is bad enough as a new mum. When all the shopping delivery slots have been taken and people are panic buying again — it’s a nightmare! Unsurprisingly once I removed my son’s allergies from my diet his weight started increasing significantly and the amount of daily nappies we changed dropped!

I breastfed on every park bench in the borough and invested in lots of secondhand snowsuits for bubba (charity shops still weren’t open) as we were only allowed to see one other person outside. One friend was even unsure about sitting with me on a park bench because you were meant to just keep moving (this was 2 weeks after my C-section so I said ‘let them try!’). The local postnatal group were meeting on zoom but everytime I suggested meeting in the park in couples there was little response. So I only met a couple of new mums in person. There were no baby groups until he was 4 months old and when I did go to them the masks and distance meant I found it really hard to get a rapport with any other parents. Coupled with my baby finding loudspeakers and lots of people very overwhelming & it ended up just being a different environment to breastfeed him in! Luckily both our mums were in support & childcare bubbles with us, else we really wouldn’t have survived.

Writing this I’m still really bitter about the whole experience, particularly when it looks like Downing street were having non-stop parties and I wasn’t even allowed my wife in the waiting room of the hospital with our newborn. I still get upset seeing a pregnant woman at work or a newborn being made a fuss about out & about. I just wish things were different for us. We still have cousins who were isolating for their own safety who haven’t met our little one yet and I’m really sad so many friends and family didn’t get to hold him as a baby.

I don’t look at photos of him as a newborn with nostalgia or fondness. I just remember the frustration, sadness, anger and loneliness that I felt. It felt like it was just me, left alone in a room with a crying baby. Everyday.

I don’t really know how to end this in a hopeful way except I really hope the importance of creating in-person networks and friendships during the postnatal period is taken more seriously along with the impact of restrictions on birth partners during scans and labour and birth.