MIDNIGHT STATIC

Sometimes, you need to be alone, not to be lonely, but to enjoy the free time for yourself.

People might say that being alone is weird or perhaps scary, but for me it’s meaningful. I not only give myself some time to think, to reflect, to enjoy being just me, but rather it made me realize that it’s better to be alone than being with someone that makes you feel alone.

But nobody mentions that once I’m left in a room, just the four corners, the dim light, and the darkness that surrounds me, how loud your thoughts can get, how it bothers you — from your past, present, and even your future. Those mistakes that replay in your mind out of nowhere, the echoes of choices I can’t undo, the scars I caused to the people I love. But those mistakes, terrible decisions, clouded mind, shaped me for who I am today. Because of it, I learned, I changed, not just for myself but for others too. Now I not only think about my past nor present alone, but my future as well. Will I be able to stay the same in the future? Will I be able to be this good? Or will I do something horrible again? Will I survive this lifetime? Will I still be alone?

These thoughts are louder than thunder; it haunts me. It reminds me of every piece of me. It really hits different once you are alone. You can think clearly, make decisions that you should have done already from the very beginning. You reflect on your mistakes fast, you understand the situation without being insensitive. You handle the situation easily in your thoughts if only you learn how to control your emotions.

Somehow, being alone isn’t bad. It teaches me a lot instead. It shows me the beauty of solitude. Even I stay up with the midnight static, talking to the ceiling like it can respond to me. Got everything I wanted to say, but couldn’t.

When I choose the quiet, it unexpectedly chose me too.