HUMOR

Donald Trump Really Loves Me!

I guess $2 billion wasn’t enough to fill his gaping soul

Photo licensed from Adobe Photo Stock

I’ve been getting emails from Donald Trump lately — a lot of emails. It seems he feels like a jilted lover, and he wants me back. Badly. He tries one strategy after another, showering me with all kinds of different messages. He even told me he loves me!

I’m pretty sure he never said that to Don Junior before. Or Eric. Not even Melania. Maybe Ivanka …

This is how Trump’s email message looks on my phone. All screenshots by author.

He likes to call me Peter

It’s true he likes to call me Peter. Don’t ask me why! Maybe it’s some kind of kink? I can accept that. The most important thing here is that he’s persistent and very affectionate. He invited me to join his club, asked if he could send me jewelry, and is cancelling other engagements, just so he can focus on me!

I never reply

But his emails keep coming. I don’t mind telling you that I enjoy the grovelling. Does that make me a sadist? Oh, well! I can cop to that. The good news is, the Donald doesn’t mind a bit! He keeps pretending to quit me, but then comes crawling back.

It’s a scene I can get used to — DJT crying, on his knees.

The bottomless pit of need

Part of me thinks that President Trump should be satisfied with the more than $2 billion he’s grifted off his second presidency already. But nope. He’s not satisfied. He still wants my five bucks.

I’ll give him one thing. The man is focused!

The Dems aren’t much better

Don’t get me wrong. DJT isn’t the only one looking into my shallow pockets. I get dozens of text messages from Democrats with their hands out daily. But those just annoy me. Whereas with the Trump emails, there’s a certain frisson, a lovely element of schadenfreude, a fun and undeniable zing of pleasure.

Trump’s emails are making me happy. I hope you enjoy them, too.

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