The All Steroid Sports League

Let’s see what the human body can really achieve!

Photo by Tom Briskey on Unsplash

Rather than checking athletes for banned substances or finding ways they cheat, simply create an all steroid league and let’s see what they can accomplish. Each sport simply needs a nearly constant moving goalpost to keep the game interesting and the advantages from technology and chemistry in check.

Here are a few ideas:

Basketball

In steroid league Basketball the game gets modified in one simple way. Every completed basket simply moves the rim 2 inches higher.

The only limitation is that no external braces can be used to support the knees.

Going up will be easy, surviving the down might be problematic.

The technology in shoes will certainly improve.

Slam Dunks on a 22 foot high rim will be something to see.

Football (American)

In Steroid Football the game ball gets heavier after each score. Maybe only a few ounces, but it may need to be a half pound at a time. These are already big boys and an air filled ball is not much of a struggle for them to hold onto.

It will definitely drive the game toward running in the later part of the game and put a real damper on the Two-Minute drills at the end of the halves.

With all performance enhancing drugs allowed, the front line will start to resemble a line of very fast Sherman Tanks so the running game will be much tougher.

Kickers will get the biggest penalties, but as they are routinely knocking the ball 50+ yards (after moving the goal posts back 10 yards), maybe they need to be reigned in a bit!

Tom Brady throwing a 4 pound football 35 yards for the touchdown will be quite something to see.

Football (Soccer)

The athletes in soccer are pretty amazing with their ability to run for 90 minutes with a 15 minute break. Making the ball a 1/4 inch smaller after each goal would spice things up enough to balance the increased speed, agility, jumping power of the steroid fired athletes.

When the scores start to spiral up, the second modification is to shrink the goal width and height by a few inches after each score.

Running/Racing

The all steroid racers will burn through shoes and likely need a suit similar to the sharkskin suit of the swimmers to deal with the air burns. Some kind of flexible ceramic like the skin on the Space Shuttle to deal with the heat of moving so fast.

Not much can be done to slow them down and that’s okay. Faster people will set records that need to be segregated from normal people. Plus they will never miss their train at the station!

Maybe we have them start running cross country towing semi-trailers or trains to solve the logistics challenges of the world.

Swimming

Paddle hands and flipper feet driven by Hulk type muscles will make pure folley of swimming pools. It won’t be long before swimming events become trans-Pacific contests towing SuperTankers.

It will address Climate Change and help the runners deal with the logistics challenges of getting goods across country.

Tri-Athletes

Here are the world’s solution to climate change and logistics. These athletes simply get measured by their Round-the-World Just-In-Time delivery performance. Need a penguin for the London Zoo? Just make a Tri-athletic contest to leave from Nome, Alaska, run the coast of the continent to South America, swim to Antarctica, run across Antarctica to grab a penguin (under the watch of PETA) and then swim to the Horn of Africa and bike from the horn of Africa to the English Channel Tunnel, running through the tunnel to the Zoo while keeping the penguin healthy and teaching it how to count to 10!

Outlandish!

All steroids and even all augmentation (like the Blade Runner) are happening whether we want them or not. The Army is experimenting with implantable brain chips to help soldiers with brain trauma. The advances in prosthetics makes many formerly disabled more abled than people with their original limbs. We aren’t far from implantable eyes, artificial organs and more advances that make us more synthetic than human. We might as well get our sports ready for the amazing things the human and augmented humans can achieve.