What the Pink Forks Taught Me

How a Target run made me examine the boy mom I didn’t want to be

Photo by Tara Winstead

I didn’t buy the pink forks.

We were at Target getting silverware for my 10-month-old son. They only had the pink forks left, so I put them back without a second thought. My only thought was how annoying it was that I would have to go to another store or order them online. On the way to the car, it hit me: if my son were a girl and there was only blue silverware left, I would’ve gotten them. So, why did I hesitate at pink?

A few weeks later, I went to get him some bowls. The best deal was a rainbow set with every color, including pink and purple. In an effort to combat my own gender biases, I got them. The point wasn’t to purposefully get my son pink and purple items; the point is that when it’s the easiest choice, I’m not going to let pointless gender stereotypes dictate my parenting and make my life harder, especially over forks and bowls. He’s a baby. He doesn’t even know what pink is.

My hesitation over the pink forks sent me spiraling to examine how I parent my son differently from a potential daughter and why. So here’s what I’ve done and consciously worked on in myself so that I don’t contribute to problematic ideas of masculinity vs. femininity and raise my kid with weird biases towards the color pink.

Part of my responsibility as a boy mom is to raise a son who doesn’t need a partner to teach him basic life skills. So, incorporating my son into as many household tasks as I can is part of my work to shift the balance of the mental load and equal partnership. This has the added benefit of giving him a sense of independence and autonomy.

As he gets older, the type of tasks and responsibilities will change, but for now, he is in the eager-to-help toddler stage and is happy to load and fold [throw] the laundry, help feed the pets, and “mop” the floors with me. Household chores are not gendered. Boys can and should know how to clean, cook, and take care of their homes. And not just with the standards that some men get away with. If you know, you know.

Being a mom has made me reflect on my upbringing and the expectations that were placed on me as a girl in a family with patriarchal tendencies. Those ideals are not something I want to pass on to my son. In my house, boys and girls will be encouraged to play with toy kitchens, dollhouses, baby dolls, trucks, dinosaurs, Legos, and to play however they want. I won’t raise a son who thinks caretaking and chores are only for girls because of the toys he had. It’s a quiet message, but it really makes you think when you see the number of fathers who can’t step up and be equal partners.

In hopes of never being someone who says “boys will be boys,” or dismisses my son’s emotions, I try to watch for these biases and consciously make an effort not to gender my parenting. While it may be true that little boys have different ways of playing than girls, it’s partially enabled by the parents’ expectations.

In a conversation with my in-laws, who raised all boys, it was stated that boys just need to climb, run, and jump. But what about the girls? Are they just supposed to be calm and ladylike? It rubbed me the wrong way as a woman who was once a little girl being told to sit, talk, and act a certain way.

Why would the expectation be different for boys? Boys need to be raised with standards, too. They need to learn to be responsible, and that there’s a time and place to be wild and get their energy out. On the other side, girls can be allowed to be kids too, and not tiny women.

This work starts young. Including my son in cleaning, cooking, and grocery shopping isn’t efficient, but I hope that it teaches him that it’s a normal expectation for him. I play with my son to model empathy and emotional awareness, but also enjoy being wild and silly.

He can do both.

In some way, the idea that there are certain parameters, or a lack thereof, for being little boys that are different from those of little girls got mixed into my unconscious biases. While it seems small now, I fear that if my biases are left unchecked, I will raise a son who thinks a different set of rules applies to him as a man. That’s an unacceptable outcome to me.

So for now, I’ll keep buying the pink forks and trusting that the work I’m doing now will add up, and a boy who helps mop and plays with baby dolls might grow up into a man who shows up fully for himself and his family.