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Your Kindness Is Not the Problem (But It Needs a Bodyguard).

What the “just enforce boundaries” advice gets wrong for empaths, helpers, and trauma survivors

There is a lot of great advice out there about self-awareness and protecting your energy. “Here’s what a boundary is, now just enforce it!” So simple, right!!? (LOL)

In this article I explain why we have trouble protecting our energy, and how toxic people drain us through our qualities of unconditional kindness and seeing the best in others. At the end I give you Mindshift Meditation hacks to start learning how to build and enforce boundaries.

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I’ve read and listened to thousands of hours on how enforce boundaries.

You’re the gatekeeper. Be the bouncer. Decide who gets in and how long they stay. Just say no.

And it’s true.

BUT none of it works for those of us who have had a lifetime of conditioning to just say yes and please others to keep the peace!

For empaths, highly sensitive types, people pleasers, healers and fixers… “How to Enforce Boundaries” might as well be written in an alien language!

It started in childhood, and it’s all so familiar we don’t even notice or realize we are doing it. We worry about hurting other peoples feelings, upsetting them, how they will respond. We overthink and try to get ahead of all the problems that might occur, not just for us but for anyone we care about. We will give and give until our last drop of energy is depleted, then try to squeeze out one more drop, and feel terrible if we can’t. Yeah, writing that makes me realize what the actual fuck I was doing for most of my life, and why toxic people would latch on and drain me dry, leaving me devastated and depleted. (Good thing we actually have the power to rise up 10x stronger than before, but I will save that for another article).

For me, I never realized what a boundary even was until I was in my forties.

About seven years ago to be exact, when I was juggling being a toddler mom and handling an emotionally abusive unemployed alcoholic pothead “partner,” aka the father of my child and self-declared “soul mate” (if you could see me gagging right now writing this-ugh!)

Anyway, here’s what the normal “just enforce boundaries” advice doesn’t account for:

Some of us were never taught we had a door.

Are you the kid who was raised to let everyone in?

If you grew up in a home where your needs came second, where keeping the peace was survival, where love was conditional and you had to earn it — you didn’t learn how to have a door that only let in who and what was healthy. You didn’t learn to guard your energy at all. You learned how to open yourself up, pour out your energy to please others, and smile while you did it. You were rewarded for this, and (surprise!) it continued right on into adulthood. Could this be one of the factors in how generational trauma is passed on? (That’s another great idea for a future article, stay tuned).

We learned that saying no was dangerous.

Our feelings were too much. We learned to surpress our needs. We were taught that the kind thing, the right thing, the safe thing to do was to help, to fix, to accommodate, to understand.

We are open, giving, and forgiving. When someone with toxic claws shows up at our door, they don’t have to knock. There is no damn door! We were already trained to let people like them in.

This is not a flaw. This is conditioning. There is a big difference.

Not everyone is a good person. Not everyone means well. And some people are very, very good at finding those who assume they do. We must learn how to identify them for who they are, not who they could be.

Why the drama people, the conflict people, and the blamers find you specifically

Evy Poumpouras (a pretty cool ex-special agent) talks about three types of people to watch out for: the drama magnets, the conflict addicts, the blamers and complainers. She’s right that these people are toxic to our world. And I can go back through my life and see me gravitating to help these types, over and over and over and over…you get the idea.

What she doesn’t say (what we need to hear) is that these people are not randomly distributed! They have a type. And their type is you and me.

Targets: Empaths. Helpers. Fixers. People pleasers. Highly sensitive people. Trauma survivors who learned that love means tolerating pain.

The drama person doesn’t just want an audience. They want someone who will feel their chaos so deeply that they make it their own mission to fix it. That’s us.

The conflict addict doesn’t just want a fight. They want someone patient enough to stay in it, to keep trying, to believe that if they just explain themselves one more time, something will shift. That’s us too.

The blamer doesn’t just want someone to absorb their excuses. They want someone whose deep need to be fair, to see all sides, to give the benefit of the doubt will keep them from ever being held accountable. You guessed it. That is absolutely US.

Our empathy is a beacon.

And these toxic fucks can see it from miles away. So yeah, when I used to say “I feel like I have a beacon calling these toxic jerks to me” I was spot on.

The thing that makes it so hard to see their true intent is empathy.

When someone brings you their chaos, your first instinct is not suspicion. It’s compassion. We want to help them, we empathize, and, badaboom! They latch in their toxic parasitic claws.

We reason and justify,

Oh no, they must be hurting. They just need someone who really listens. I can see the good in them even if others can’t.**

And in itself, this is a beautiful quality we hold. The world needs people who lead with an open heart, and if we were the only types in the world…well we can imagine this kind world. But we DO NOT live in it.

The first key to building a door is to understand is that not everyone who shows up as broken or hurt is safe to love or give our empathy to.

Not everyone whose pain (even if it is real) has good intentions. And some people know exactly how to perform just enough vulnerability and mirroring to seem really genuine. They hide their true self with a very believable mask.

You keep letting them in because you are the kind of person who believes people can change. That everyone has a little glimmer of good, and just needs a chance. That is one of your best qualities being used against you.

Self-awareness is different when you have trauma.

You have likely heard something like, “Self-awareness is about living in reality and seeing things as they are, not as you want them to be.” With the emphasis on “not as you want them to be.”

Apply this to people. That’s solid advice, but, it is bullshit if we never had a solid reality in the first place!

For trauma survivors, reality is weird.

We spent years in a relationship or a home where reality was constantly rewritten. Where what we saw was denied. Where what we felt was too dramatic. Where the truth shifted depending on someone else’s mood… you get what I mean. This “reality” is the result of years of gaslighting, victim reversal, passive aggressive cruelty, withdrawal of affection, silent punishments, and being blamed for overreacting while systematically being told our feelings are too much.

Self-awareness didn’t fail us, it was never fully installed with a “beware of toxic people” protection system.

So we learned to see the good in people, their potential, and believe it, to our own demise. When it seems like we “ignore the red flags,” it’s because we were conditioned to distrust our own instincts (cognitive dissonance, anyone?). We second-guess ourselves and overthink everything. And sadly, most of us were taught to assume that if something felt wrong, we were probably the problem.

Rebuilding self-awareness after trauma is learning to trust a part of yourself that was told, over and over, that it couldn’t be trusted.

Your kindness is not the problem.

I spent a long time believing the opposite. I’m too nice. Friends would say I let others take advantage of me. Once again…I’m the problem?

No. Our kindness is not the reason we get hurt and taken advantage of.

Our willingness to help is not the reason they exploit it.

Our empathy is not a sign of weakness or an invitation to be drained.

The toxic person who takes advantage of these traits is the problem!

Kindness needs protection. It needs us to build a door. Empathy is valuable energy and easily exploited if not protected. This is what boundaries are for. You don’t leave your wallet full of cash on a public bench completely unguarded and expect it to be fine. You protect it.

That’s what our kindness and empathy need, protection. Like an imaginary bodyguard… we can learn to be our own protector. We will strengthen, reinforce, and train the part of us that gets to say,

“I see what you are doing, and it doesn’t get access to me anymore.”

Building a door and becoming the gatekeeper is kinda different for us.

For most people, enforcing boundaries means just deciding to be more selective, say no, and take care of themselves first. Simple enough. Just say no! Cut them off! Don’t let them take advantage of you! How many of you still reading this article think, I can totally do that, easy peasy! Let me guess…none!

For empaths and survivors, boundaries and gatekeeping means training.

We have to train ourselves how to do something that should have been learned in childhood; at a time when our brains were developing and perfect for uploading social engagement data. But fear not, it is never too late to learn. We already have the equipment to detect these toxic jerks, we just do not know how to use it. Here is the secret…

We need to learn to trust the feeling in our gut even when our head is making excuses for other people’s behavior!!!!!

Read that again and understand why I put five exclamation marks on it. If I had known this advice, I’d have saved decades of giving to people that never give back. I can hear my inner narrator to this day, telling me surely they “mean well,” they didn’t hurt me on purpose, they would reciprocate if they could… (GAG)

We need to accept that they do not always mean well, have good intentions, or actually care about us “in their own way.”

No, there are people who enjoy taking pleasure in sucking our energy dry, even thinking we ‘deserve it’ for being so ‘weak.’ (A deep dive on narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths belongs here, but alas, this article is long enough; I’ll save that for later.) We must learn that someone else’s crisis is not our emergency. The key is learning to invest in what people do, not just what they say. Empty promises, manipulated reality, and the ‘fake futures’ we get attached to cannot gain traction if we stop investing in words over actual actions.

The hardest part is accepting that some people will be angry when we say no. We must learn to let them be angry without taking their reaction as proof that WE did something wrong.

And here is a big surprise (not really). Guess what? The people who push hardest against our boundaries and make us feel the worst are usually the exact people boundaries are designed to keep out!

I bet some of you reading this are currently experiencing a toxic manipulator in your life.

I have a hard truth that you will thank me for later. NOW is the time to start grieving the version of that person you wanted them to be, and start seeing them for who they actually are! This is where we stop seeing the good in people, and see the truth behind their mask.

None of this is easy. But you know what is much harder? Suffering in toxic relationships and rebuilding yourself over and over and over …

What feels like heartbreak now, feels like freedom later. And what feels like loneliness when you first start protecting yourself, that is just your nervous system getting used to peace.

You are not too much. You are not too sensitive. You are not the problem for caring so deeply or for wanting to believe the best in people.

But now it is time to learn to be your own bodyguard for all of your goodness. You know what? We always had that ability, but were never told it was okay to use it. You’ll find a few of my Mindshift Meditation hacks in the next section to start your journey right now, in just minutes.

Mindshift Meditation Hacks for Building Your Inner Bodyguard

These Mindshift Hacks are somatic tools rooted in Polyvagal theory and Qigong. They teach us to feel safety and space so we can enforce it.

The main problem with boundaries is that our nervous system has to believe we are safe if we say no or don’t offer help. We must feel safe before our actions will actually do it. This is because we are in a pattern that has been established for a long time, and it is a very familiar loop.

The good news is our nervous system is trainable, and these quick Mindshift Hacks will help you start immediately.

Mindshift Meditation Hacks work because they communicate at the body level. This is how we talk to our nervous system. Your goal is to learn them and practice whenever and as often as you can. Don’t worry about doing them perfectly, just make them yours. Then, use them before hard conversations (like saying no), when someone’s chaos and drama is affecting you, or when your gut is causing you anxiety and panic attacks but your brain is busy making excuses for another person’s behavior.

Hack 1: The Golden Shield Breath

For when someone’s chaos is trying to become your emergency

In Polyvagal theory, people-pleasing is a Fawn response. It is your nervous system’s way of keeping you safe through compliance. To enforce a boundary, you first have to shift your body out of fawn mode and into a physically felt sense of safety and containment.

Mindshift:

A boundary isn’t a wall that keeps people out. It’s a container that keeps our energy in.

4–4–6 Breath

Inhale for 4 counts through your nose. Let the breath drop all the way down to your belly. Place your hand on your belly if you like, this will help you to feel it expand. Imagine your breath as golden light filling the space two inches in front of your solar plexus, the soft spot just below your sternum. As it expands a golden bubble is formed around you.

Hold this breath for 4 counts. Feel the fullness. This is your space. Your energy. Imagine the golden bubble around you, keeping you safe.

Exhale for 6 counts through barely parted lips, making a low “Hoooo” or “Voooo” sound that vibrates your innerds. This vibration signals safety to your nervous system through your vagus nerve and releases defensive tension.

While you exhale, imagine your golden bubble expanding outward from your core, strengthening and forming an energetic boundary around your entire body, like a force field.

Repeat 4–6 times or as many times as you like.

Use this when you’re being drawn into conflict by a drama magnet, feeling guilt from a blamer, or about to walk into a conversation/situation you’ve been dreading. You can do this exercise with your eyes open, and modify it to work when you are around other people. Nobody will know. Just make it smaller and quieter. Your Ventral Vagal system (part of our nervous system) registers the exhale as a safety signal, making it physically harder for their energy to leak into your space. You can build your bubble anywhere and anytime you want to, and it becomes easier the more you practice. Just imagining the bubble around you helps your nervous system remember the training and provides protection. Taking a breath also creates a pause, a space between a request and your answer, which is a big help to us empaths (so we don’t automatically offer help or say yes and regret it later).

Hack 2: Pushing the Mountain

For when you need to say no but you are struggling

When we can’t say no, it’s usually not a choice, it’s a freeze response. Thanks, nervous system. Our muscles tense, our voice falls, we smile and agree while something inside us screams NOOOOOOO. This hack pulls you out of the functional freeze and into active, grounded self-protection.

Mindshift:

My body has the right to occupy its own space. I have the right to protect my energy. I am allowed to say no without any reasons or excuses.

4–6 breath with movement

Stand with your feet shoulder-width apart, knees soft. Feel the ground under you. Relax your head, neck, let your shoulders drop, and continue relaxing all the way down to your toes. You can do this as a seated alternative if that is better for you.

Inhale for 4 counts as you draw both hands slowly to your chest, palms facing toward you. Feel yourself gathering your own energy back in. Imagine it as your favorite color or a warm golden light.

Exhale for 6 counts as you turn your palms outward and press both hands forward slowly, like you are pushing a heavy object away from your body. Imagine other people’s problems as a smoke or darkness leaving you. Send it back to them with love. It is not yours. You don’t need to fix it. Feel your arms engage, your back strengthen, your feet root deeper into the ground. Push it all away.

At the end of your exhale, pause for 2 counts. Notice the space in front of you. It is now filled with your favorite color or a warm glowing light. It is comfortable and peaceful. That space is yours. It is okay to not allow others into your personal space, whether physically, mentally, or emotionally.

Inhale and turn your palms toward you, bringing the energy back to your heart. You just reclaimed some of your energy. Imagine it as your favorite color, returning to you.

Repeat 3–5 times, or as many times as you like.

Use this when you’re about to send a “no” text but feel obligated to say yes or offer help, you have a hard conversation coming up, or feel the familiar pull to give up your own needs and just say yes to keep the peace. If you are around people, you can adjust the hack smaller, just imagine their energy leaving and your own energy filling your space of comfort and peace. This engages your sympathetic nervous system in a healthy space that reduces panic. It gives your body the physical experience of pushing back before your words have to, and your nervous system learns that you do not have to allow other people’s energy to disrupt your peace. You are not responsible for their reactions.

Hack 3: The Gut-Check Reset

For when your stomach knows but your brain is still arguing

Your gut feeling is not anxiety. It is not paranoia. You don’t need a pharmaceutical to make it quiet. This is your Vagus nerve at work warning you of a bad situation. The Vagus Nerve is the longest nerve in your body, running from your brainstem all the way to your gut. When you feel that pit of the stomach drop or anxiety, it is sending you a signal. A fast, direct, honest (and easily misinterpreted) signal. The translation problem happens because our thinking brain is slower and includes our reasoning, emotion, and empathy. Your brain has been trained to override that warning signal with logic, excuses, and the benefit of the doubt. Seeing the good in people… We need to stop this and listen to our gut!

This reset helps us hear the danger signal before our brain reasons us out of listening to it.

Mindshift:

My gut is my threat detection system. My brain is a slow and biased translator. When something feels off in my gut, I trust my instincts.

Use a natural and calm breath, let your body lead you.

Sit or stand comfortably. Gently tilt your head to the right and let your eyes drift up toward the ceiling. Don’t move your head, only your eyes. Keep your neck soft.

Stay here and breathe naturally. You are waiting for a spontaneous yawn, a deep sigh, or a swallow. Don’t force it. Just wait. It usually comes within 20–40 seconds of this far-reaching eye movement. When it comes, that is a signal that your nervous system is going back into safety mode. This means you just shifted from threat mode into enough safety to actually help you think clearly.

Repeat on the left side.

Once you feel that shift, that small sigh or release, ask yourself these questions:

“Am I saying yes because I want to, or because my body is afraid of their reaction? Am I afraid of disappointing them or hurting their feelings? Do I feel responsible for their feelings or reactions?”

Remember that you are not responsible for another persons reactions or emotions.

Use this when you feel that pit in your stomach or anxiety while someone is asking a “favor” or implying they need help. This works when something feels off, but you can’t name it yet. Don’t allow your inner narrator to reason this feeling away. Use this hack when you’re about to override your instincts with logic, and understand that the anxiety you feel is your body asking to be heard. Take a pause. Give it a few breaths before you answer anyone.

The Healing Journey

These hacks won’t fix everything overnight. Decades of conditioning does not reverse without continued practice. Our nervous system learns by repetition, and in the same way it learned to freeze and fawn, it can learn to feel safe, to hold ground, AND to say NO without overthinking someone else’s reactions above our own space and needs.

Every time you do one of these hacks, think about their purpose, put yourself first, and tell your nervous system that it is safe to protect your own energy and peace.

The new you knows that instead of abandoning yourself to someone else’s needs (over and over again), you are building new wiring and writing a new program. You are teaching your nervous system what it never got to learn as a kid:

You are allowed to take up space. Your energy is worth protecting. You get to be your own bodyguard, regardless of how someone else responds.

Don’t worry. Boundaries will only drive away toxic people. Loving, kind, true friends and family understand when we say no and cannot help. Think about it from your own perspective. Do you get pissed off when someone doesn’t offer to fix your problems? Punish them? The answer is likely no. And, chances are, you fix your own problems all the time — because we also have trouble asking for help — but that is yet another article. This one is already too long.

Protect your energy at all costs, your peace is your biggest treasure.