Your Metamour is not irrelevant, your Metamour is not more relevant

As polyamorous individuals, we have different preferences in the way our romantic relationships work and their associated platonic relationships. Some folks like to know their metamours very well and spend time with them. Some folks end up also dating people who start out as metamours. Others prefer to remain separate. This end of the spectrum varies itself from; don’t even want to see a picture of them or meet them or to something in between; like meeting once and going from there.

Here I’m going to look at a situation where everyone prefers minimal contact with metamours, this is what I am most familiar with. Even if you mutually agree you’d rather not get too close, that does not mean you can ignore the needs and wants of a metamour, it also does not mean that they’re preferences outweigh yours. You are equals in your relationships*

*With the exception of recognized & consented-to hierarchies. See note within “Compare & Contrast” on hierarchies’.

Your feelings, your goals, and your boundaries are valid and critical in your relationship with your partner(s). The feelings of your metamour, their goals, and their boundaries are critical to their relationship with your/their partner. And for your partner (The “Hinge” in this case”), that the feelings, goals, and boundaries of both of you, align with the feelings, etc of themselves are critical in their life. Because both(all) the relationships and partners in their life are important and worth protecting.

Whether you’ve been dating your partner longer than your metamour, or if you feel you have some claim to authority or preference- you’re probably wrong. You do not have the right or privilege of ignoring or dismissing your metamours opinions. Their comfort is just as important as yours, and even if you have minimal contact with each other- that is not an excuse to be intentionally ignorant and dismissive of their feelings.

Uno Reverse (Rinse and repeat throughout blogpost).Do not belittle yourself or contain yourself if your metamour is asserting themselves as your superior. Do not create in your own mind, a scenario where you do not feel you are of the same value as your metamour. Regardless of the circumstances* your relationship security and your day to day comfort are worth preserving and working on with your partner. You must be aware of your metamours comfort and be mindful. In general, both of you should aim to strike a balance between what makes each of you comfortable (plus your partner). We can’t get everything we want all the time, but we should not ever have to compromise our physical or mental safety or security.

*Except hierarchies, etc etc

Your sex life is your business. It is also your partners, it is not necessarily your partners’ partners business. In terms of boundaries, you should share your boundaries with your partner- and in general expect them to respect those boundaries. If you ask your partner to use a condom with others, and they agree to that, then you have set an appropriate boundary. It is appropriate, on occasion to check in and say, “Is that boundary still valid, do we need to reassess it for any reason?” It is not appropriate to ask your partner after each time they see your metamour if they had unprotected sex. If you are concerned about STD’s and have set a previous agreement that you will disclose to each other if a metamour is posing a health risk- then you have set an appropriate rule- albeit a complex one. In this scenario, you need all three parties to consent. It is appropriate for you to protect yourself and have specific knowledge of your partners status and risk. But they should not do so without discussing it also with the metamour in question. It may be more appropriate for the metamour to speak with you, or they may only want certain health information shared. It is not appropriate for a partner or metamour to keep a secret from you which poses a threat. It is, however, appropriate for them to protect their own privacy and health information where it does not harm others.

Some people enjoy hearing about the sexual exploits of others, they may get turned on by the description of you with your other partner. If this is the case, and your two partners do not really spend time together- then you need to seriously consider the consent coming into play. It is your right to share your sexual fantasies and practices with your partner, it is not your right to share th experiences of your partner with your other partner. If you ask ahead of time and consent to share some details/info is given, then this can be a practice in your life. You should think about this scenario in at least two stages. First, it may occur to you to share something with Partner A about a time with Partner B. If this pops up in your own head, you have plenty of time to consult Partner B and sort out what they are ok with. Second, you may come home and Partner A might ask you to share. This will take you a bit off guard and might even feel very in the moment. You might fear you’ll ruin the mood with Partner A by delaying or denying them information that they will enjoy. However, consent trumps stimulation in any case. Voyeurism, exhibitionism, and irl-smut are all valid interests, just remember how many parties are involved and respect all of them.

Time is messy, and life is messier. I’ve previously written about how I look at sharing time. Let’s lean into it a bit from specifically the view of meta to meta. I don’t believe that polyamory is about equality. I do not believe that the very best arrangement for most triads is hours for hours or days for days. I think that time should be reasonably and intentionally shared. So, what the fuck do I mean? I mean that if you have an arrangement where your partner spends Tuesdays with you and Wednesdays with your meta, and also your meta’s hardest days at work are Wednesdays so they are exhausted very early and have little energy to enjoy themselves- that’s not a cool trade. Have understood/assigned days by all means. However they should be measured with regard to how those days or hours look, not just by numbers. I also think that arrangements which are more like weekdays vs weekends or even bi-weekly movements are more than valid, if they are what works best for the function of your relationship(s).

As you are discussing with your partner what your time exchanges may look like and how your schedules pan out, be mindful of your partner’s other partners and what significant things are a part of their schedule. Be kind. Your partners’ time is not leverage to be wielded against your metamour, who is taking time from you. No. We want our partner to be happy and fulfilled, all the time, and we know that sometimes that means they are not around us. Share. And view this for yourself as well, your metamour should also be conscious of your schedule expectations. I don’t mean they need to know when you go to the doctor and when you work all the time, but if going to church with your partner is important to you and it is not to your metamour, then logically the weekly holy day should be in your court. And your meta shouldn’t be difficult about this sort of thing, they should also be willing to share. Be kind and share, but do not sacrifice your needs just to avoid a tiff. Always always talk to your partner first and always always opt for communication before/in place of an argument.

Very similar to time sharing is the assessment of events/holidays. On this one I am gonna rip from another piece “Yours, Mine, And Ours” → We negotiate holidays and events outside of the day to day schedule, some holidays being more important to one couple than the other-so we plan ahead. If someone celebrates Hanukkah and someone celebrates Christmas, then look at your dates closely. If someone thinks Valentine’s day is a consumerist scam and another thinks it’s the cute romantic highlight of the year- then a choice here is obvious. If several of you have very important and emotional associations with Arbor day, and you all really would rather have your SO around- that’s a discussion. Do not be afraid to ask for the celebrations you’d prefer, but be prepared that this is a negotiation. You have to be willing to give up some events, even probably some you do care about. You might consider spending them all together if it’s a logistical option, even if you and your meta aren’t very close. Just all of you focus on what is best for all of you in each situation. Where is the support critical and where can other support systems come into play.

When we face big decisions for ourselves, and when our partner faces a big decision for themselves- your metamour is relevant in both situations. If you are making a decision that is about you or your individual relationship, then you are the authority and the priority. However, there is no reason to harm or inconvenience others if it can be avoided. Bear in mind how your decision will affect the lives of your partner, and your metamour. I am not saying to turn down a great job because you & your partner would move away from your meta, but I am saying acknowledge how that would impact their relationship. Then, discuss with both your partner and your meta what the best options in this case are. Like scheduling in general, when it comes to decisions you should do what is best for yourself, while respecting other people’s lives and feelings. Don’t sacrifice an opportunity based on your meta alone, but don’t sacrifice your metamour for convenience.

Whether we are looking at more measurable things like schedules and decisions or more emotional things like self worth and self care, we need to remember we are not the center of the universe (usually). Tangible things need to be discussed, planned as best as possible, and prepared to be flexible. It’s critical that you view yourself and your metamour both a people, both worthy of your partners time and love. If you have some self esteem struggles you are working with, stay conscious of the fact that you are a person and a lover worthy of respect, worthy of energy, worthy of a fair share in your relationships. If you have a reason that you hold seniority or another veil of authority, bear in mind that as a loving, polyamorous person (or as a person in love with a polyamorous person) you have agreed to a much larger relationship and interpersonal family than most. What you do affects other people, a lot of other people. A happy home, and a cohesive constellation are maintained with trust and respect from everyone towards everyone else. It’s ok not to spend time with your meta, it’s fine not to consider yourselves friends- but the fact is they are a major part of your lovers life, and therefore yours as well.