Facing Myself

Sometimes, the answer to the question we keep asking ourselves is right under our nose. In this new life I’m trying to figure out, I’ve been wondering for a while what it is that I really need. It’s been ages since I last wrote; years of thoughts have been circling in my mind, and just like I used to, I felt I had to bring them back to the surface.

This time, though, I have a new intention - to dive a little deeper. To go as far as I can.. without setting limits.. and just see what comes my way. Well, that will be a surprise even for me.

Yes, speaking of going deeper;

Have you ever found yourself on a small balcony, throughout long nights, sometimes until sunrise, when it’s pitch dark, when the only person you’re accountable to is yourself, when the world outside seems to hold its breath as if waiting for you to speak and you gaze at that street lamp perfectly lighting the night, surrendering yourself entirely to the labyrinth of your own mind?

Have you ever admitted how much pain you were truly in? When you hit rock bottom, did you manage to accept it? Are we truly at peace with ourselves enough to pause and say, “I’m really living this moment”? I am learning to be. Even if I can’t fully grasp it now - I live with the awareness that my wounds, in time, will give me strength. Awareness.. is the greatest power. There are so many places we need to confront within ourselves, and when we dare to dive deeper, an entirely different world opens up. It’s just like in the movies: going down a dark staircase, terrified, but there’s something down there you desperately want to see. Curiosity pulls you, impatience tingles, yet you can’t take the steps too quickly. From time to time, you glance back quietly, wondering if you’ll be able to return. Then, with a deep breath, you begin to descend, step by step.

I stayed at the top of those stairs. It felt as if there were two of me - and I began to watch that other Özge from afar, peering down after her. And in that moment, I had so much to tell her. At times I was angry, even cruel. At other times, the complete opposite - I embraced her. I told her how much strength she had to fight for the people she believed in, how she could hold on even when heartbroken, and how she never stopped searching for a way out. And then she discovered something beautiful: that she wasn’t doing any of this for someone else, but for herself.

It was all about me.

Some emotions exist simply to nourish us. Some relationships act as mirrors, helping us see ourselves more clearly. Sometimes you get swept away in the flow without thinking, and you feel a strange kind of joy in it. The ending doesn’t matter. You’ve lived it - the excitement has touched you, you feel alive again, like you can finally breathe. Your rhythm changes, your skin changes, even the way you inhale shifts. You’re at the very top, and it’s just the two of you there. You’re intoxicated, and you don’t want to wake up. You want that intoxication to last forever, your feet never touching the ground.

And then one day…

You wake up.