**7 Top Tactics to Navigate Conflict **(Without Getting Hooked)

Small choices in the moment can turn conflict into productive solutions

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Workplace conflict is an immensely expensive challenge.

In the United States alone, various estimates put the figure at close to $1 trillion per year. Some researchers suggest it’s over $2 billion per day!

A colleague recently asked us whether we help organizations with workplace conflict.

“Absolutely, we do!” said my wife Lisa.

The ‘we’ is Humanity Academy, our two-person educational social enterprise (links below). Plus, in my 20+ years of consulting work (D. Loewen Strategy Co.), I’ve assisted many organizations and individuals in navigating conflict.

“We’re both trained in this area,” she shared.

We put together a small package proposal and sent it along with our colleague to share with their organization. Some of it draws upon tactics shared below. (Plus, watch for more articles to come)

Update: we’re now in the midst of scheduling multiple half-day workshops for a major contracting firm, along with 1:1 and 1: a few coaching sessions.

The Reaction Hook

Most people don’t get pulled into conflict by the topic. They get pulled in by reactions.

A comment lands wrong. An email feels sharp. Someone interrupts you.

Suddenly, you’re hooked, they’re hooked — defending, blaming, shutting down, replaying the moment over and over in our heads.

Whether it’s at work, in your personal life, or somewhere in between, conflicts can be overwhelming and difficult to navigate. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

We are all tangled messes of stories, all mixed together. When these stories clash, knotted messes often ensue. Conflict can then feel like knots of impossibility.

Below are 7 tactics to consider when untangling potentially knotted conflicts.

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7 Tactics to Assist in Navigating Conflicts

Conflict can feel like a tangled knot, and each element in the image above affects how each of us navigates and deals with it.

The mistake many people make is yanking on a strand in a conflict knot — reacting fast, trying to win, or trying to fix it too soon.

These seven tactics are small moves to help you slow down, get clear, and choose a wiser next step. You don’t need to use all seven —maybe start with one.

1. First, consider: What’s your relationship with conflict?

Before you find yourself in conflict or trying to navigate conflict, reflect and notice what it does to you. Your patterns and feelings about ‘conflict’ matter because they shape your tone, choices, approaches, and what you hear.

Consider writing out some responses to these questions below:

• Does your lizard brain kick in at the first whiff of conflict: fight, flight, or freeze? Or, are you somewhat comfortable with conflict?
• Is there one sense that dominates your perceptions? Perceptions use all 5 senses. If possible, free-write it out. What are your senses doing in conflict? Are one or two dominating (e.g., seeing, hearing, feeling, etc.)?
• When you feel a conflict scenario is upon you: What are you tasting? Smelling? Hearing? Seeing? Explore these in your mind and see if you can slow down the jump to the lizard brain: fight, flight, or freeze.
• Is it possible for you to inquire rather than defend or attack?

2. What’s the story?

Conflict often isn’t about what happened. It’s often far more about the meaning each of us attaches to what happened (and what is happening). This step will help you notice assumptions before you treat them as facts.

• You are probably very clear in your stories. How clear are you on the other person’s stories? What assumptions are you making? What assumptions might they be making? Have either of you ‘tested’ them?
• Are your stories accurate to a broader view of the conflict?

3. Is it possible to move from ‘certainty’ (e.g., your story) to one of inquiry?

Certainty feels strong, but it often makes conflict worse, or at least more tense and positional. Inquiry can slow things down and open spaces for useful information — without giving up your position.

• We have choices to engage in a conflict (or not). Potentially damaging a relationship. Losing opportunities for common ground. (Not necessarily agreement, but some level of commonness — even slivers.)
• Try: “Hi there, (you across from me) — what’s going on for you right now?”
• Consider: Are you willing to hear and consider other perspectives and stories?
• Have you considered the context and history that led to the current situation? What might be the power dynamics at play?

4. Is either side trying to untangle knots of conflict before there’s a sense of what the strands are made out of?

Often, many people try to fix conflicts too fast. If you don’t understand what matters to the other person, you could solve the wrong problem.

Stories are the heart of the conflict. My story and your story. Our story and their story.

• Are you taking the time (have you taken some time) to listen to and understand the other person’s perspective before trying to untangle the knots of conflict?
• Are you open to the possibility that your own story may not be the only valid one in the situation?

Building a little understanding of all the stories can go a long way in shifting the tides of conflict. And remember, conflict can be productive. It can be essential. It’s not all ‘bad.’

5. Acknowledging stories and positions can assist in moving a conflict to productive stages and away from destructive stages.

Acknowledgment often lowers defensiveness and reactiveness. Acknowledging and reflecting the other person’s story tells them, “I get it,” even if you don’t agree.

• See if you can acknowledge the other person’s stories and positions. Gather information. Reflect it back. Try: “If I heard you correctly, it seems that you are saying…”
• Then you are in a better position to acknowledge their story, respectfully, and how your positions may be clashing. These do not need to be solved immediately.
• If you realize your story is wrong or mistaken, look to pivot it. And share that information.

6. Offer observations, not evaluations.

Labels and character attacks inflame conflict. Specific observations keep the conversation grounded and easier to respond to.

• Nobody can “make” us feel any particular way. But sharing how someone’s actions affected you offers an opportunity to build understanding (not necessarily agreement).
• Try, for example: “When you made a joke about my hair, I felt less than [enter feelings here]….” Rather than: “You’re a jerk. You always make fun of me.”
• Can you separate the actions from the person and focus on specific behaviours rather than making general accusations?

7. If possible — be curious.

Think about:

• What might have led this person across from me to their position? What needs to change for there to be constructive dialogue? Am I contributing to the heat and destructive conflict?

Consider:

• Are both sides trying to figure out what’s happening rather than find fault?
• Pursuing the possibility of dialogue.
• Your own actions (and inactions).
• That options exist, often undiscovered.

Keep in mind: conflict can be immensely valuable. At its roots, in English, the word means to “strike together.” My story, your story: Can ignite a fire. A good one. Like marriages, partnerships, and families.

Not all conflict is bad or destructive. It’s how we manage and navigate it that is key.

A simple way to practice these (and avoid the hooks)

You don’t need to take on all seven tactics at once. Pick one and consider practicing it for a week. For example, tactic № 1 is key for anyone looking to navigate conflicts more effectively.

If you want the simplest starting point while in the midst of a conflict:

• Pause, breathe, then ask one honest question and reflect back, before you state your view.

Conflict management and navigation don’t improve because people get smarter. It often improves because they get more deliberate in the moment.

There is no magic solution to every conflict; however, trying some of the tactics above can certainly help turn down the heat and untangle a few knots.

If your team is stuck in recurring conflict patterns, **Humanity Academy (Lisa Loewen, MAIS, RCC and I) **supports organizations with training and facilitation to build these skills.