The Spectacle Of Transwomen

Our lives are not a show

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Note: I am me. You are you. It is likely you have your own view and your own experience as a transwoman. If it doesn’t apply , let it fly. I will not be arguing with any of my tribe about my or your experience. Peace and blessings

A few months ago I had a medical procedure done on me. It was had at a hospital where my doctor did his more in depth examinations. I remember being so tired because it was barely 5:30 am and I had to leave my home at 3:45 am. As typical for me, I did not get any sleep. But seeing as I was going to be put to sleep anyway, I didn’t sweat it. Check in was relatively smooth . My doctor came out to greet me in the clinic and explain again what was about to happen. I had spoken with at least two other nurses ,provided my vitals etc. Then she came in.

As soon as I saw her , that crucifix and heard that accent from either Long Island, Staten Island and a few parts of Brooklyn, I knew it was about to get interesting. She was a white woman , probably about 50 years old, had the air of someone who had been around the block in the ER a few times. And once again she proceeded to ask me the same litany of questions seemingly bored my boringness to answering no for a host of conditions and allergies. Then she got to that question which used to elicit a bit of chuckles but now I find a bit invasive. I am also familiar with EMR systems and what information is placed in charts which includes almost everything about you worth knowing at least medically.

“When was your last menstrual cycle?” , she asked in a detached , annoyed tone.

“I don’t have a menstrual cycle”, I answered thinking that would suffice.

“Oh. You’re kind of young. Why don’t you have a menstrual cycle? You can tell me” . This she said in the tone of someone slightly amused but quite obvious she could really give a shit.

To give context to this scene, imagine a busy emergency room set up with the thinnest sheet separating you from the next person , full of so many other patients and personnel. Imagine being naked under a gown, in a cold room, with a cold ass nurse whose reactions and actions you could all but predict. It was a rough scene.

I answered her , “ I am transgender”.

“Oh my gawd”, she exclaimed, sounding like Carmela Soprano which would have made me laugh if I wasn’t so annoyed. “ I had no clue. Wow. I mean look at you. And you don’t have that look , you know. And you don’t have that preferred name bracelet. Wow. You fooled me.” As if transpeople do not ever legally change their names and gender markers which would negate the need for a “ preferred name” bracelet. A little common sense doll. Just a little.

I am not tooting my horns or acting like I am just the most passable transwoman ever. At least I don’t feel that way. But at any rate, this is an experience that has happened to me more than once. I am sure many other trans women can attest to the same thing. It can feel slightly humorously affirming but at the same time can change someone’s vibe with you in an instant.

I wish I could say that was the end of dealing with this particular nurse. She came back about 15 minutes later. She began, “So ,do you still have your original stuff ? I just don’t want it to be a surprise for anyone else.”

I answered her, “ My doctor knows what’s going on. Please leave me alone”.

Looking back on it, I should have reported her ass expeditiously. The nature of my being in that hospital, my stress, my emotions, my vulnerability and her complete lack of decorum and clear lack of engagement during the few LGBTQ+ trainings I am sure she had to sit through made reporting her less important than me getting the hell out of that hospital.

I can hear that typical whataboutism bullshit response of “ it is a medical facility. They are just doing their jobs. Blah, blah , boo. Again, such information in places and during procedures like this are almost always forwarded. This particular nurse was not going to be anywhere near me during the procedure. She was just being nosy as hell and quite transphobic to boot.

Being complimented and the “you’re pretty” isn’t bad. Most of us love hearing it. But there is a weaponization within the compliments of transwomen by cis folks. It is about this idea of you being acceptable enough. It is about this inherent perception that most of us are monsters. How can a monster be pretty in their minds. I would make reference to a comment so prominent in the Black community but I won’t. Don’t let me be another transwoman making these false equivalences of experience.

That experience stuck with me because it has affirmed something that has irked my spirit for such a long time. It is the way society frames transwomen as spectacles to be gawked at and made into this sensationalistic experience. Yes, it is uncommon for someone to be transgender. There are large percentages of places where you will likely not find any trans people especially ones who are visibly trans. In my daily life, I can almost count on often being the only transwoman in my vicinity. And most of you all can attest to the same thing. Our existence is a novel one. A controversial one for sure. But we are not fucking sideshows. We are people. We are regular people. We want to move and navigate the world just as you do.

I want to applaud transwomen who make content online. It is truly a brave experience and one that I myself don’t think I am strong enough yet to do. Without fail on most apps a transwoman can not post any videos without one comment saying, “ That’s a man”. Depending on the creator, the nature of the video and who they appeal to, there can be dozens of comments saying anything but the man comments, harsh descriptors about their bodies, quotes about wanting Jesus to return and just so much haterade that leaves you gasping.

What would power anyone to follow people that they hate or disgust them? Honestly. Why follow anyone who fucks with your head for existing? Make it make sense.

I am going to make the requisite disclaimer and I mean what I say. I hate to say that so many comments that denigrate transwomen often come from ciswomen. I get that not all cis women feel negatively about our existence. Lord knows my readership and support is made up of so many women . I thank you so much. But it is quite obvious that most cis women do not like transwomen. Can we admit it ladies? I often feel like women hate to acknowledge any negative traits. Dislike and/or hate is often wrapped up in religious spouting, this “ I’m just stating the obvious” or the infamous, “ You’re trying to be me”.

It is okay to admit that you do not like transwomen. It really is. It is okay to feel like we disgust you, we’re hideous caricatures, we’re wrong , we’re abominations ,so on and so forth. It is okay. Just do us a favor and stay out of our comment sections. Don’t follow us . Don’t even acknowledge us at all. Why stress yourself out following and commenting on people who disgust you? Make it make sense.

The spectacle of the trans experience does not only occur at the hands of cis people. I hate to admit it but transwomen ourselves often propagate this occurrence ourselves. One of the biggest ways we do it is often framed as the most affirming one but it is not. The biggest ways transwomen make ourselves a spectacle is by making the girth of our experience centered on our physical forms. It sounds bizarre when you first consider it. You may not even look at it as such but stick with me for a second. There are countless videos and posts of trans people where they show themselves before medically transitioning and usually now with a few other points thrown in. The comment section is usually filled with positivity along with the requisite hate thrown in. The problem in my opinion of these kinds of videos and posts is that it depersonalizes and dare I say bastardizes the trans experience into a litany of hormones, make up filters and surgeries. We see the pre medical you and then we see the current you. We hear about the countdown to bottom surgeries and top surgeries. We hear the details about the surgery and the after care. All of this makes the trans experience one of constant speculation and sensationalism. So much so that people have no problem at all asking us about our bodies should they encounter us in public with no regard to the mental, emotional and spiritual nuances to the trans experience.

Being a transwoman is about way more than pretty clothes, make up, hair, breasts, retaining your penis or not. There is so much more deeper. It is the birth of a person, it is the death of certain aspects of that person, their experiences and relationships with themselves and the world. It can be a mindfuck to having once been someone’s son, nephew, brother and becoming their daughter, niece and sister when they have never been your roles. When while seemingly the same just with the gender change , it is not. It is different . The realization that so much about your life changes even things you may have wanted to retain. All of these changes that occur in the mind and the heart are heavy duty stuff. My personal opinion is that all of us should be in someone’s therapist chair for at least a few sessions , if not regularly. This walk is not for the weak.

This isn’t to say that transwomen make our bodies the main topic when it comes to our experiences but it does figure heavy in our social perception. I suspect such focus will never cease. I can see the positive aspect of it with the affirmations of others but at the same time it has the unintended effect of making us make our womanhood journey so focused on our parts and our pieces. When we know it is so much more than that. When we know most of our cis followers don’t really want to know or care about the unpretty parts of becoming a woman.

I don’t know if anyone has ever told you but it is hard as hell to be trans. It is often not a fun experience. It is often an anxiety about so many things kind of experience. It is a dangerous existence. My unpopular opinion is only transition if you simply cannot bare one more day of living as your assigned sex at birth. If you can tolerate it, please don’t transition. It doesn’t mean your life will automatically be hell but trust me it is an experience that is heavy. Prepare to be one of the pariahs of society. Prepare for people to show you who they really are. Prepare to be prepared to fight and stand up for yourself incessantly. Prepare yourself for the affirmation of being in the skin and body that you are endowed through any combination of genetics, hormones, surgeries and manipulation. Understand that you won’t ever get a break from needing to affirm your existence. Not only to the world but yourself. Should you survive, prepare to be one of the strongest in the room. But do not let them make a spectacle of you. And do not make yourself a spectacle either.

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