What Do I Do With All the Love I Have Left?

I knew it would end. I knew I would still care for you. I told you you could always come; I meant it. But I didn’t know you would end it at the first inconvenience. You reduced me to a prop in your life, whose only purpose was to stay pretty and make your life better-never complain, never use her voice if it meant to be used against you.

You asked me why I’d love you, and I told you I felt so safe, and you made it your purpose to make me feel as unsafe as possible. I told you it was because I could say whatever to you, and you made sure I couldn’t even tell you about my day without thinking if it would ruin what we have. I told you it was because you always listened to me and never tried to make lame excuses, and after that, all you did was make excuses and blame me. So tell me, my love, how do I say that I still love you? Won’t it shatter my sense of self? Won’t it crush my heart to love someone who has nothing I can possibly love? Won’t it ruin me to care for someone who made sure it became the hardest thing for me to pull?

I always thought I was unlovable and that whatever I desired would never be mine. At one point, I thought maybe it’s because I don’t make it obvious that I want it, or maybe I fail to show myself. Maybe it’s because I’m scared of them knowing me wholly, maybe because I don’t give enough, and if only I fixed it all, I’d be worth waiting for . I too will be needed; you too will want to change for me. But what did I get, even after giving you everything I had to offer, after showing you all I was, after making it obvious that all I wanted was you, after showing you the exact depth of feelings I had in me for nobody but you? I was still unwanted, unworthy to be changed for, unimportant enough to be left within five days of uneasiness-easy enough to be forgotten to a confusion of exam stress. So tell me, my love, how do I now go for the better you talk about? How do I believe I’m a wonderful person, as you say, when all my wonders combined couldn’t make you stay and give us a chance ? Do I really deserve better ? Did I deserve you? Do I deserve anybody?

I keep thinking about me liking you more. What did you actually think while saying it? Why couldn’t it be the same? Why couldn’t we keep having the “I love you more” conversations? Why did I suddenly prove it enough for you to give up? Why couldn’t you just think that you could top it? Because I know for a fact I can. I can love you even more; I can care about you even more; I can write even more beautiful texts for you. I can give you even more of myself. So why can’t you? Why couldn’t you? Why did you choose to get overwhelmed by the amount of love I held? Why couldn’t you just take it and make it a decoration in your life? Why didn’t you take it and ask for more? So tell me, my love, what do I do with all the love I have left inside me? Because it isn’t going away. Tell me, whose prop do I become now? Tell me who’ll decorate it the way you couldn’t. Will someone ever?

You said you loved me more than your team, more than anything. You said all the things I ever wanted to hear or didn’t expect to . But will your team lose to your confusion like I did? Will you leave your team because you got too attached to them? Will they lose you like I did on a random night? Will they also lose to an exam? So tell me, my love, why did you say things you didn’t mean? Why do your actions not match your words? Why did you become a lesson I had to learn? Why should I move on and not be with you for the rest of your life?

I had a lot of plans with you. I wanted to do a lot of things, wanted to tell you a lot more, a lot more questions. I wanted to know you more, let you in on a lot more secrets. Did you not feel the same? Why did the last text I got say that you were scared of attachment and didn’t want to hurt me?

So tell me, my love,

do I look less hurt now?