Why Worrying Feels Worse Than Doing What You Dread

The science behind worrying and stoic advice to help you cope

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Have you noticed that waiting for challenging upcoming events is often worse than what actually happens? There’s even a word for it: Catastrophizing. We’ve all been there. I know I have.

Potential negative scenarios fill my mind. I picture what I don’t want to occur and feel the associated emotions, and it hurts. I know I’m not alone because science tells me pre-event nerves (otherwise known as tormenting yourself about what could go wrong) are all too common.

But here’s the good news. Maybe we’re built to imagine worst-case scenarios (and I’ll get to that in a moment), but just knowing this can reduce worry. Also, we can keep a few tricks in our mental toolbox to aid a quick recovery.

How we’re built to consider worst-case scenarios

Waiting feels worse than doing it (when” it” is an upcoming worrying event) because, down the line, being hyper-aware of what could go wrong used to help us. I’ve dreaded events that turned out to be fine, fun even, in the past. And those times when they were challenging never matched the intensity of my pre-event worries.

Can you imagine living aeons ago when predators could take you down, your tribe abandoning you meant potential death, and predicting challenges might save your life?

Nah. Me neither. Well, just a bit. We can kind of put ourselves in the shoes of someone living all that time ago, but we don’t entirely have empathy. We live in a very different world. However, our internal system, if you will, hasn’t caught up with us. It behaves as if our lives depend on agonising over worst-case scenarios.

Maybe that’s because, to an extent, running through potential calamities still helps, albeit in smaller ways than it did. For example, knowing it could rain, even though the sun is shining, may prompt you to carry an umbrella so you don’t get wet.

On a bigger note (but not as large as the threat of being on a tiger’s menu), you can see how staying on guard before sharing private data with a stranger is beneficial. And you can think of plenty of cases when expecting pitfalls helps you.

Psychology Today says:

“Catastrophizing is forming worst-case scenarios, often fueled by past trauma or unresolved emotional triggers.

Early life trauma or abuse can train the brain to anticipate danger, creating excessive fear.”

So your emotional past is also to blame.

We all know that our catastrophizing sometimes gets the better of us and leaves us feeling sick with worry. We benefit from curbing unnecessary overconcern. Happily, the ancient Stoics left us with wisdom to help.

Stoic advice for your coping toolbox

I have lots of coping strategies to fall back on during challenges, and most of them are about changing how I think. The Stoics came up with answers to catastrophizing that fit the bill.

Raise self-awareness

Perhaps the first point to consider can be gleaned from this Stoic quote;

“We suffer more often in imagination than in reality.” — Seneca.

In other words, many of your worries only exist in your mind. Before you can do anything about them, you must first recognise them. That’s why knowing that catasphrophizing is an actual thing helps.

Seneca’s insight can remind you why you’re awake at 3 am worrying about something that probably won’t ever happen. The issue isn’t that an upcoming event will be awful.

It’s that your brain and body are running an old program most suited to yesteryear, when sabre-toothed tigers hid in the undergrowth, ready to pounce. Or when you had to handle a challenging sibling, spouse, or parent.

As soon as you recognise this, you can change your thoughts, shifting them from alarm mode to everything-will-be-fine mode. Or, at least, moving them onto there-is-a-good-chance-things-aren’t-as-bad-as -they-seem mode.

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Seneca went as far as to practice Premeditatio Malorum. This is where you actually imagine worst-case scenarios on purpose.

But hang on a moment… Isn’t that what we’re trying to avoid?

I hear you, but there is wisdom in his seemingly bonkers idea.

Imagining the worst that could happen on purpose (rather than because your mind is on overdrive and you’re half scared to death) helps. For once, you’re in charge. You’ve taken the courageous decision to confidently look your fear in the eye and say, “So what!”

Once you do so, you have a chance to soften future fear with possible solutions.

For instance, worried that your unpredictable car won’t get you to an important meeting in the morning? You can make alternate arrangements or push your appointment ahead an hour (to give you more time if the worst happens).

And you can plan for likely pitfalls to cover most of your concerns. Even if there’s no chance of making a negative event favourable, you could plan to take deep, calming breaths, seek support, and stock the freezer with your favourite ice cream to enjoy when the scary moment’s over.

Knowing what you have control over empowers you

Marcus Aurelius, another top Stoic, gave this advice:

“You have power over your mind — not outside events. Realise this, and you will find strength.”

But I thought we’d already covered this point…

Not properly.

You see, the biggest point about knowing your worries exist in your mind isn’t that they might be unrealistic, exaggerations, or completely wrong. It’s that you control them. And this sense of control differs from your attempts to force changes in your surroundings.

You can’t change the weather, world finances, or other people. When you worry, your pain comes from struggling with this feeling of helplessness that’s akin to drowning.

When you see that you can control how you handle things, you gain confidence. Your fear fades, and you put on your “I might be able to handle this” head.

Instead of quaking and sweating under your sheets (if we’re sticking to the worries that keep you awake idea), you relax. You sink deeper into the mattress, and your breathing slows.

Maybe you will get to sleep after all.

I think my mum must have been a Stoic in a former life, because when I was a child, she taught me to write two lists when I was fearful. One was headed “Controllable Things” and the other “Uncontrollable.” (We did the same for decision-making, too; one list was pros and the other cons).

This exercise helps because you may find you can control more factors than just your thoughts. It’s not always the case. But sometimes… And when you can, stress lifts even more.

For example, you can’t control what someone may say in a difficult upcoming conversation. But you can think of what they might say and have answers ready.

I recently did the Stoics’ practice because I worried we might have more heatwaves where I live this summer, which would make watering my garden difficult. What if there’s a hosepipe ban?

I realised I could create new ways to keep my plants alive. Now, I have a water butt, and I’m considering placing water bottles with a few strategic holes in my pots to create a slow drip effect. With help from the Stoics (and Mum), I realised I couldn’t control the temperature, but I could put in place helpful solutions if the worst-case scenario happened.

Reframe your worries

Here’s another Stoic idea. It’s about how you view your concerns (the story you tell yourself about them). Can you see things more helpfully?

The phrase “it’s not the end of the world” springs to mind. Often, we exaggerate challenges, and they aren’t that bad once we stop judging them so harshly. We put a negative spin on prospective outcomes when, realistically, we could cope just fine if they happened.

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Now and then, we see possible outcomes as bad when, in truth, they are helpful if we see them in a new light. For instance, so what if a friend turns out to be untrustworthy?

Yes. The disloyalty hurts (we needn’t deny it). But now we know not to put our effort into the relationship, so we can place it elsewhere. Somewhere we’ll be better appreciated.

And goodness knows, some seemingly dreadful outcomes turn out to be blessings in disguise. My home was once flooded, prompting me to move, and I found the little cottage of my dreams. It wasn’t super-expensive or upmarket by any means. But it suited me beautifully. And I still live here. Yay! I wouldn’t have found it if I hadn’t gone through the flood.

Make a move that helps

You can probably make a helpful move too when you’re worried and feeling helpless. This will give you confidence and inner strength. Maybe you won’t need to do anything as huge as moving house. But you may find support to help you get through a challenge. And perhaps you can do something to make the issue less difficult?

Any positive act, from changing your thoughts about what’s happening to how you handle it, will boost your courage and make you more flexible as you undergo change.

While waiting can feel worse than “doing it,” you can take back some control. Stoic wisdom will help. And when you do that, you’ll manage anything life sends your way with greater ease.

If you’d like to support me so that I can continue writing, thank you! It means a lot! You can buy me a coffee. Every little helps.

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