Delayed Prompt Response

Kevin Costner Doesn’t Care For Me

The feeling is mutual

Public Domain Pictures

We’ll get to Kevin in a minute.

First, let me say, Arpad Nagy is one hell of a writer. Don’t believe me? Check this out:

[embed]My Father Died at 58, and I Never Knew That He Was Young Do children ever see their parents as anything other than old?medium.com

Arpad recently asked me to answer 11 questions about myself. He tagged me and said nice things.

When a writer of Arpad’s caliber asks me to respond to a prompt, my brain goes in two directions. The first is that of a teenage rebel who used to blast Ziggy Stardust in his bedroom because his father hated David Bowie. A prompt sounds like a homework assignment, and there’s no greater feeling than finding a dog and making him eat your homework.

Unfortunately, my brain also contains a nice fella, a real responsible adult. I’m receptive, I’m hardworking, and gosh darn it, I want people to like me. Maybe that’s why I’m easily flattered by cheap tricks like this:

“Oscar Rhea -Because your stories are wildly original, often touching, always hilarious and because I don’t read you nearly as often as I should.” — Arpad Nagy

So here’s my compromise. I’ll put on David Bowie’s last album, a sad, miserable masterpiece called Blackstar. I’ll turn it up to 11 and answer Arpad’s questions.

When the album is done, I’m done. 41 minutes. Here we go.

1) Is there one significant belief, teaching, truth, philosophy, political or social position that you’ve changed your mind about?

I used to believe that power structures were run from the top down. We vote in politicians, those politicians rule over budgets and bureaucrats, and budgets and bureaucrats rule over us.

By the end of grad school, I lost my faith in that Machiavellian power structure. Politicians, bureaucracies, you and me, we are all governed by social, cultural, and linguistic ideas that forge our societies. If you want society to change, don’t start at the top. Live the change, and eventually, the people at the top will take credit for your ideas.

The most powerful political act in a democratic society is not casting a ballot. It is the simple act of knowing one’s neighbours and caring about what happens to them.

2) Do you remember your first ‘real, romantic’ kiss? And, if that person did not become your spouse, have you seen them since?

Anjali Wildgen, during a game of spin the bottle in the basement at her twelfth birthday party. I had a crush on her, and sixth-grade crushes are immensely romantic things. We kissed, and I thought: this is it. I have a girlfriend now. I’m a man.

She thought exactly what she said out loud immediately afterwards:

“Eww.”

3) Because we are writers, we are readers; do you have a favourite book?

In my younger and more vulnerable years, it was The Great Gatsby. I still love that book, but I haven’t picked it up in ten years.

One book that has been with me since I was fifteen is Kitchen Confidential. Anthony Bourdain’s seminal autobiography shaped the course of my life more than any parent, teacher, friend, politician, or cosmic force in the universe. I started working in kitchens as soon as I finished his memoir over twenty-three years ago, and I’m still behind a bar to this day.

Created by ChatGPT.

4) Do you have siblings, and if so, are you close? (Close, to me, is speaking with them at least once a month.)

I have three older brothers, and we are close, even if we don’t see each other once a month. Every time we get together, I remember that these are the people who taught me how to talk, how to be cool. They gave me my sense of humour.

I should talk to them more than I do. Maybe I’ll call my brother Greg later today.

5) Because I am a former professional chef, do you have a favourite meal or dish?

If you tallied all the meals I’ve ever eaten in a spreadsheet, you would discover that Oscar Rhea loves pizza more than life itself. Hot Peppers, Pineapple, and Pepperoni, made at midnight by a Lebanese man I follow from pizzeria to pizzeria.

6) If you could go back in time and redo certain moments in your life, would you?

I’m a recovering alcoholic, and after more than five years of sobriety, I have my shit together. Still, I lived a decade of misery, and all of those ‘wasted’ hours haunt me when the world goes quiet. The obvious thing is to say I’d go back in time and tell myself not to have that first vodka orange juice in that ramshackle student housing block back in 2002.

Then again, I think I’m a better person as a recovering alcoholic than I would have been had I not lost a chunk of my life to whiskey and cocaine. Whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you humble, empathetic, and determined. Where would I derive my strength if my life had been an unbroken stretch of green lights?

My memories are a mountain of shit, but I’ve been planting seeds and growing flowers on that mountain for five years. It’s all starting to smell nice. No redos.

7) What’s the best job you’ve ever had?

Created with ChatGPT.

My current job owning and operating a bar. Nothing else comes close. But that’s not a fun answer.

I once worked on a pick-your-own strawberry farm, guiding customers out to fields and showing them where and how to pick. Mostly nobody came, so I sat in a field with a guitar and a notebook, playing, writing, and eating strawberries in the sun for seven dollars an hour.

Strawberry season only lasts four weeks in Canada, but that was one fine month.

8) What’s the worst job you’ve ever had?

I worked for a maintenance company at an apartment complex one summer. I remember they had underground tunnels that were always half flooded and full of rats. One day, the power went out in the whole complex. I had to walk through tunnel after tunnel with a flashlight and a walkie-talkie. I kept getting caught in spider webs like Indiana Jones looking for a golden idol, only I was looking for breaker panels. It was disgusting, terrifying, and dangerous.

I quit that job. Two weeks later and got hired at the bar I now own.

9) What is the professional or personal accomplishment that you’re most proud of? (Being a parent or spouse doesn’t count — too easy)

Did I mention I own a successful bar? More specifically, I started a live music program. The first music nights were attended by zero guests. The people around me were ready to cancel music night and made a lot of jokes behind my back about this pathetic little dream of mine.

Now, four years later, we run 140 shows a year and 90% of them are well attended. If you Google "live music" in my city, my bar shows up on the list of the best venues. I’ve learned so much about the local music scene, and anywhere I go in this city that has live music, I have friends.

It’s a true community. Remember that thing I said in question one about knowing your neighbours?

10) Have you had an extended conversation with anyone famous? If so, what surprised you most about them?

Created by ChatGPT.

I’ve had a few silly, small interactions with celebrities, including not being able to remember George Stroumboulopoulos’s name when I saw him on the street. I called out “George Stegosaurus!” instead. He laughed.

I’ve also yelled at Kevin Costner. He didn’t laugh. It was at a blues festival, and Kevin was on the lineup because he was a famous movie star. His music was mediocre. It was the 2010s, so I was drunk and yelling out song requests. “Play Field of Dreams!” “Let’s hear Waterworld!”

The crowd chuckled, but I forgot how close I was to the stage. When I yelled, “Do the Postman!” Kevin Costner turned to me with a fire in his eyes usually reserved for the cast and crew of Yellowstone. Being a brave man, I ducked behind a group of teenage girls. Kevin leaned into the microphone and said, “Oh ha ha.”

When the local paper reviewed his show the next day, my heckle was the highlight.

11) Have you ever seen or experienced something supernatural?

Yes. Love.