You can’t love someone into breaking down their emotional walls

Don’t give too much of yourself to people that don’t deserve it.

Photo by Rhamely on Unsplash

I did this myself for way too long. I didn’t know either of these things until my late thirties after a tumultuous childhood and inability to love myself inside, but I am an ENFP and an empath.

For my entire early life, I gave too much to help others. It was the only way I knew how to help. I didn’t know how to listen — really listen — yet, but giving away some of my own energy to make others feel better worked, and it made me feel good too.

In this way, I set myself up for failure in future adult connection. It took a few painful disruptions for me to realize I was the common denominator. I had transitioned from a long, mostly peaceful 12-year relationship born in college straight into the high-voltage environment of a busy professional — only to wind up dating two abusive women in a row.

That was a ME problem.

So off I went into therapy between business flights, and I started learning about cognitive dissonance and distortion and how others with unhealthy patterns will assume the opposite of your intentions if it will support the necessary narrative in their heads, regardless of reality.

For me, reality always wins. That didn’t make sense.

And it doesn’t to a mind that didn’t have to invent reasons to “love” itself but to instead keep its ego happy.

I never did that. I purposely worked on things myself like tamping down my anger. That was something that I’d inherited from my father, but unlike decent looks and a charismatic presence, that I did not want.

So I began doing something about it. When I felt anger coming on, I decided to think about the “why” behind it and count to ten.

After a month or so of this, it became easy to do.

After 6 months of this, it became automatic.

After a year I wasn’t even counting anymore. The anger was gone.

But until I went to therapy, I hadn’t learned to love myself.

I was codependent.

I thought that since I was intelligent and self-improvement focused, that I could “fix” any problem that I recognized in myself, but after those abusive relationships, it was clear that I needed outside help.

And this is precisely why you can’t love someone into taking down their emotional walls.

Outside help in the form of therapy is needed to do it. It doesn’t matter how deeply entrenched your coping mechanisms are — you’ll just need more therapy the deeper your internal rabbit hole goes.

Luckily for myself, my rabbit hole was fairly shallow, with only codependency and hypervigilance to conquer.

When a father tells you things like “I can always make another son,” you begin to take those things to heart. When he says to both you and your older sister that “I should have stopped at one,” you stop loving yourself inside.

And that’s not your fault.

But later in life, it does become your problem.

The self-hatred turns into a closed-door policy in your mind. Every year that goes by thickens the walls.

So why can’t you love someone into taking down their own walls?

They need outside help, and you’re the outside help after all, right?

Wrong.

You’re their partner. If you’re their therapist also, that’s all you’ll ever be to them. Do not do this.

You can guide them toward therapy, and if they’re not dug in too deeply in their minds, they can go, and if they’re willing, they can make progress.

I am living proof of this.

I strive to embody this every day.

But the other thing that I learned in therapy is that loving someone too much is just as unhealthy as not loving yourself.

At a certain point, no matter how strong the bond, you must give up. This is not admitting defeat.

People are not projects and they won’t heal unless they’re ready and willing.

This is no shortcoming of your own, but if you pour too many of your own resources into it, you’ll drain your own energy to the point of depression.

So like my ex mother-in-law used to say:

You don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.