The “Always Misunderstood” Family Member

Some people have the desperate, dire need to frame someone else as the “problem” just so they don’t have to look at themselves. Have you met them?

I believe we’ve encountered this type of person at least once in our life. To be the bin, catching their trash. To be a mirror, reflecting their flaws. To be the child serving as scapegoat, or a sibling to shoulder every accusation.

When you are trapped in that position, there’s one burning desire: to explain.

However, there are three common ways we react, and none of them comes in our favor:

Staying quiet. No doubt majority tried to endure it despite hearing mortifying made up context they make of you. This works with minor misunderstanding one can let go of. The downside of staying quiet is feeling much worse about yourself where you can’t really alter the outcome that they intend to stamp onto you. However, if the matter is difficult to slip by, there’s a probable action it leads to.

Over-explaining. Keeping emotions bottled up feels much worse than it looks (a lot can testify), that is unless, if you unpack them. Nevertheless, attempting this takes great courage as over-explaining often backfires, shifting the subject in a dark corner and making the situation worse. (I suggest over-explaining with well structured statements). Furthermore, the outcome depends if you aim to clear your name by explaining calmly or to explain in a different matter to satisfy the burning feeling in your head.

Explaining in rage. The outcome depends on how you approach the matter, how you handle it, and how to extinguish the fire afterwards. But in heated confrontations, the other party might misunderstand you more than they already do. One may claim they know you really well (even if they don’t), one may blame you for reacting that way, or one may say that you never really open up to defend themselves (but if you do, they’ll dismiss it).

“These are three main factors that predicts the outcome when you are in that position.” You think this article intends to finalize that perception? Have you not realized? When reading this article, the responsibility of the outcome doesn’t rely on you alone. It’s when your siblings dismiss your explanation as a mere excuse. When your parent does not validate your feelings. Or when someone close to you cares more about having the upperhand than to understand you.

You are analyzing how you react, but do liberate yourself from the responsibility of their reaction that most likely determines the outcome.

It is when you do explain calmly or in rage, that they care less. Or when you stay quiet that they blame you even more.

Although the things listed here may be true, they are not the entirety of the situation.

This aims to make you realize not to bear the responsibility alone. It is not your fault alone that the outcome was not in your favor, but theirs as well. So, what should you do?

Be the bigger person, unlike them. Avoid their narrow-mindedness. And learn more about yourself, ensuring you don’t project your scars unto others the way they did to you. You are your own person — make the best of it.

Stop minding how everyone perceive you, and try to explain the entirety of yourself only once. The real outcome to worry of is your own wellness. How you take care of yourself, perceive matters, and the way you look at life. So, live your life knowing you tried, because trying is never a weakness, even if fails.