Our monster has come home!

The architecture of John Doe, an unrepentant predator.

John Doe’s inner monologue

We’re all products of our societies. Whoever we may be, whatever we may do, we reflect back who our society has shaped us to be. The amazing music teacher, the enchanting ballet dancer, the intrepid reporter, the unyielding human rights attorney etc., were all spawned by their societies. But, so was John Doe.

So who is John Doe? For the purposes of this piece, he represents every shade of sexual predator living in our societies in this day and age. He is someone’s husband, father, grandfather, uncle, brother, friend etc., or their counterparts.

Every academic course centered on language and identity will teach you that identity is both a social and personal construct. The social construct aspect is what I want to focus on. That part of your identity is made up of objective features of your identity. Your age, race, nationality, social class, culture, religion, etc. For you, those features (embedded doctrines, ideologies and discourses etc.) might translate to a completely different picture than they do for me. The point is, we are all made up of different voices around us. Voices that guide us. Voices that shape us. Some of those voices have spawned well adjusted, well meaning and law abiding citizens, and some have spawned many a few John Does.

Think about the language we use when we talk about romantic relationships. We think of relationships as an item on life’s ledger, something to get and a battle to be conquered. Our approach to courting demonstrates this too. We are aggressive about it, whether we mean to be or not. We even take stock of ‘who’ we conquered (their wealth, education, social standing, beauty etc.) and how revered or how envied we will be by our peers for securing such an enormous feather on our cap. We do the same with sex. We see it as something to get, not an act that happens naturally when the situation allows. We now live in an age where we comfortably enter into a handshake deal for sex. I’m not critiquing the practice, everyone should get to do what they want with their bodies, provided that everyone involved is equally knowledgeable and invested in the act. But, I am casting a jaundiced glance at how detached the practice has become. Also, while most of us do all this within the prescribed and socially acceptable parameters, John Doe is taking note, through a much distorted interpretation. However horrific his acts may be, John Doe exists within the parameters of our cultures. Each generation not only breathes new life to him but gives him a new shape to comfortably exist in. In a word, John Doe is society’s creation.

This isn’t a new problem. It just presents differently within whatever culture, society, generation etc, it rears its head in. For instance, I myself come from a culture in which not more than two generations back, a man could abduct a woman with the intention of marrying her without her consent. He would then hold her hostage, inflict unending violent acts on her, and when she’s pregnant, that’s when he’s convinced she’s trapped. Because, within the parameters of her culture, it was more shameful having a child out of wedlock, no matter the circumstances. Having a b*stard child would be shameful enough to ostracize her family from the community. Having a chance at ‘rectifying the shameful situation she finds herself in’ and at ‘getting a marriage’ and then willfully rejecting it, would be social su!c!de. So, she’d rather endure this unthinkable situation. She’d rather make the sacrifice, however painful it may be. That’s how twisted the whole logic behind this practice was.

What if I told you the practice still exists, but evolved into a new form? Nowadays, couples who want to wed earlier than their families would allow or couples who aren’t allowed to marry (for whatever reason), marry under this practice. Because, in that instant it serves their goal, they glorify it as a beautiful cultural custom, not the antiquated custom designed to objectify women that it is. If sanctioned sexual violence was the way of my people, and the practice under which it occurs continues to this day, perpetuated by my generation, a generation that is supposed to condemn it (on paper), why exactly wouldn’t John Doe ‘take a bride’ under the guise of celebrating a treasured cultural practice?

In lands near and far, people who should be wiser than I are still encouraging an arranged marriage between children who are definitely too young to consent to the institution of marriage (and all that it entails) and a grown man. At that age the man has gone through so many life changes, some of which would leave a mark on his very being. Without question, his expectation of what a relationship between a married couple definitely won’t match hers, regardless of your understanding and belief in the practice. Her participation in it would be tantamount to, if not outright all manner of servitude. Which isn’t a condition a true marriage should ever exist in.

In the more progressive societies, we make it a point to teach our children about the birds and the bees as soon as the conversation is necessary. To prepare them for ‘that part’ of a relationship. The reasons? To make sure they are secure and comfortable in their sexuality, to combat teenage pregnancy, to combat the spread of STDs, etc., Whatever the reasons may be, the intention is the same, to protect. So why can’t we do the same to combat sexual violence, whether be it within romantic relationships or not? Or at the very least teach our children about the inner workings of relationships? No, I don’t mean just sex, but relationships, the continuous bond and investment two people share and have with each other.

Some of us come from selfish cultures, selfish by design. Cultures that not only favor patriarchal doctrines but favor ‘silence’ on uncomfortable topics. So they make it a point to guard vital information like an ancient spell meant to be known only by the sanctified members of the coven. Information necessary for the protection and progression of the next generation. John Doe thrives in such cultures. So let’s break the spell. Let’s bulldoze those closed walls.

Some of us come from cultures that welcome open discussion, to a point and within reasonable context. So let’s take advantage of that. Let’s teach boundaries, and respect boundaries. Let’s understand our children are their own people, make sure they understand this too. Not only that, let’s make sure they know the same applies to other people. Let’s have those ‘uncomfortable conversations’ with our children as soon as they are able to take in the information. Let’s foster a culture of open conversation, of debate…let’s allow our children to question our judgement every now and then. Allow them to challenge it. Who knows, we might learn something new.

The intention? To raise healthy people without any hangups. Someone who respects relationships, and sees them as something you earn, even while you’re in it. Someone healthy and secure in who they are. Someone we can be proud of. I don’t know about you but I would rather live in a world filled with romantic poets, not a domineering tribe of savage warriors.