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You Are Not Scattered — You Are Multi-Dimensional

Changing outward perceptions of flighty ADHD with proven success

Imposter Syndrome | Teacher of Brains | Bing Copilot ai*

Feeling pulled different directions in persuit of diverse interests is overwhelming. People have called me loser, flighty, stupid, and worse. Compounding criticism burdens the mind.

I’ve struggled my entire life knowing I am capable of much more than I have achieved. But couldn’t put my finger on why it is so difficult for me to focus on one discipline and stick with it to choose ‘A Career.’

There is no one career path that satiates my being. I don’t mean to be ‘flighty’ when I jump from one interest to another. I crave intellectual information. It’s ironic. I need more, yet I am holding myself back. — At least, I was and maybe I finally found the ticket.

For decades I parked my butt in simple roles to earn a living to exist. While off the boss’s clock, I could spend hours, days, absorbing everything I could find on Quantum Physics or Astronomy, or Equine Anatomy, Gardening, and everything else under the Sun.

Three times in my life I tried higher education. Once in my early 20s I thought I’d better check out this college thing everyone else was doing. I was already working two jobs and earning pretty decent money in Northern California’s world of private country clubs and fat tips. At some point, I ditched community college to keep pouring myself into work.

My second attempt at higher education, I was in my 30s and struggling with crippling depression. Sometimes I was bed-ridden but didn’t know why. I was down and out for a spell. — I ditched education again.

Third attempt, I was 49 and with a man I thought was my mate for life. We discussed me going back to school full time, that I always wanted to earn a degree. He ran multiple businesses, so we discussed earning a business degree and he would support me. We agreed how it would benefit him too, as he could use me in his businesses. Without hesitation, he was excited to support my efforts.

I filled out the fafsa paperwork, I met with a counselor at the local community college, I signed up for multiple classes. — Then COVID hit.

I didn’t drop out because of COVID, though. Out of left field, I got a phone call from him, “Get your ass back to work!” I was gutted, but not surprised. He was like that sometimes. I should have known he’d change his mind. The pressure he was under, trying to navigate running a few businesses while under new reality of COVID and ambiguous laws, and multiple employees leaving jobs. He simply was jettisoned out of any generous mindset to support his girlfriend going to school full-time.

I could have stuck it out and worked while going to school, millions do it. I let the emotional toll drown my goals. — It was this incident and other reasons that ultimately deteriorated our four-year relationship.

That relationship ending was one of several reasons why I left Las Vegas after living there 13 years. Crime was spiking and it was no longer worth the risk, driving taxi as a female cabbie. I always wanted to see all 50 states, and I no longer wanted to call Las Vegas home. Hitting the road to visit all 50 is a way to discover what land, or sea, feels like home.

Nearly three years into my nomadic life, living out of my car on long adventures across America, I am currently stuck in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, where my car went belly-up, metophorically. The repairs were going to cost more than my car was worth, so I sold it for scrap.

I was okay living in my car; so okay that in my over two years living on the road, I never once booked a hotel or motel. I did a lot of tent camping on public lands, some stealth camping in random neighborhoods, a couple times slept in Walmart parking lots, (I don’t recommend that), a lot of 24 hour truck stops, (not a lizard, #iykyk), and countless Cracker Barrell restaurant back lots. I’ve been to 40 of the 50 states, so far.

But now, without my car, I am truly homeless. Earning even a minimal income hustling deliveries (as I had been) is out. Back to traditional work, punching a timeclock.

A restaurant hired me immediately, so that felt good to be considered hireable so quickly. I appreciate them but I have no idea why they hired me or the method to their madening hiring process. Everyone on staff complained of the scheduling. I was scheduled one to two days a week, not enough to live on. Then every week, more new hires.

I was job hunting again. With a clean background, local and 50 state federal background check, and good references, I was hired quickly to be a Substitute Teacher.

It took a few weeks, but I am now seeing it as more than just a job. This may finally be my Golden Ticket. I’ve Willy Wonka’d my way on a crazy ride from Northern California, country clubs and admin support corporate life, to Taxi Driver in Las Vegas, to Nomad living on the road, and now, Teacher?

I ventured into the world of Substitute Teaching by happenstance, as I learned in South Dakota a Teaching Degree is not required to be a Sub. It’s M - F, and work as much or as little as you want. There are positions available daily throughout the entire school district. I am approved for all grades, K-12. I bus my way around town to any school that pops up.

Now, after several weeks, I do not accept any class that pops up. I won’t sign myself up for Kindergarten, first, second or third anymore. And if I can avoid elementary grades all together, bonus. My comfort zone is working with middle and highschool kids.

Herein I’ve puzzled myself — you kina have to know a little more than merely what the classroom teacher has prepared.

For the most part, when you show up for any class, usually the work for the day is prepared (rarely not) and you go through the motions.

But, some kids ask questions, need assisting, want further clarification, need insight to a new or different strategy to help them push through a mental block. — Some things don’t come inately, that takes skills training. I can envision the big picure to align the jigsaw puzzle pieces. I cannot always make out the intricate details behind the creation.

I found the most challenging subject for me to be mathematics. A few times I was embarassed to have to tell a kid I couldn’t help them further, but only after trying with them. I let them know I am not a math teacher and that I am sure their teacher will go over it with them. But some (hopefully most) kids truly want to learn. The few times I’ve had to let them down, with math anyway, it crushed me to hear them huff in disappointment that I am not equiped to help.

That experience of being THE person entrusted with their education for the day while simultaneously being THE person who let them down only served to validate my stance that, for me, being a Substitute Teacher was ‘just a job’ and I better figure out my future because I’m only getting older; and figure it out for the school kids.

A few months back I put some money into what I thought was going to be my future, I bought an llc and some domains to create websites and start turning my dream into financial gain: Art, writing and painting. But while that is in its infancy, that doesn’t pay the bills. And while conventional work pays the bills, it pulls me from artful expression.

I can do it all, but not all at once.

Time to restrategize.

I thought, if I can land a job that pays double or triple as Substitute Teacher, I could save faster or work less days and use more free time to scratch my artsy itchies. — Data Analyst

I signed up for Khan Academy (free) to work through courses, take some paid courses (google, &others) to earn certificates, then set up a portfolio and dashboard of my skillsets and network on Linkedin.

• POW! * — speedbumps

First course I attempted, Statistics and Probability scrambles my brain, and I’m trying to push through it. I haven’t given up those Khan courses, but I dialed it back to basic arithmatic to build upon.

In the meantime, I show up to Substitute Teach, even math. I cross my fingers and hope I don’t let anyone down. I don’t ever wish for the kids to not ask questions. I hope whatever happens, I can, well, teach.

Then came this day I will never forget.

I showed up for a Middle School Social Studies class. But the way the teacher’s schedule was set up, they didn’t have class for a few hours. I had free time because while the teacher would use that time for planning, I don’t plan their class.

I walked down to the office to ask if they needed me to help anywhere else. Guess where they sent me, math. But their teacher was there; I was included to help, phew.

My eyes were immediately drawn to a kid in the back with his head down. I asked him if he was okay. He shrugged his shoulders. Okay, at least I know he’s awake. I walked to the teacher at the head of the class and asked if he’s allowed to nap.

“Absolutely not. But if you can get him to do any work in class, you’d be a miracle worker.”

I walked back and plopped in a chair next to him.

“Is it that you don’t like math, or it’s just difficult and confusing?”

“It’s confusing.”

“Me too. Numbers scramble my brain. All those numbers and problems are overwhelming. Then what do we do? Do we add? subtract? divide? It gives me a headache.”

“He looked up and smiled.” Maybe he was glad that I get it. It IS confusing! Numbers are beastly, but only before we know how to tame them. There are methods to the madness and good news is, there is more than one method. We try until we figure out what works with our individual brain.

I asked him, “See the class all working on their math? Do you want to at least try?” — He said yes.

I can connect with the kids. It’s the details in mechanics and strategies in various disciplines I need to skill-up.

When his buddy noticed him trying, he came to our table to join us. Soon the two boys were working out the math together while I wrote on the paper. We all did the thinking out loud part, working it out on the paper and the boys figured the mathematics.

At one point I caught the eye of their teacher and I pointed at them like, “Look! They’re working!” The teacher gave me a smile and a thumbs up.

At the end of our handful of problems, he grabbed the paper to turn it in himself. He handed it right to her and waited for her response. When she showed the boys that they got them all correct, he was BEAMING!

That day changed something in me. While I am not convinced I may become a teacher, that day helped me feel more confident and fulfilled acting as a Substitute Teacher. This role is worth hanging around a few years longer than anticipated.

As much as Mathematics scrambles my brain, I decided to take on the beast, go back to school — and have the school district pay for it. I don’t have to try to get by with free courses and (google, et al). As an employee of the school district, they’ll cover my education, several years, through Masters (and sometimes through PhD, with approval). Caveat being, I need to be more than employed with the district as a Sub. I need to pass a few proficiency tests to be hired as a Para-Professional, Student Teacher.

• Continue Substitute Teaching
• Study Courses
• Companion Practice Tests
• State Exams, and PASS
• Re-hire as: Student Teacher
• Northern State University (online per sf district)
• Graduate: BSEd, Mathematics, MSEd, Teaching. BBE, Big Brain Energy

Why math? — In case I am to be a Data Analyst (and it’s the beast I’ve challenged myself to master). For now, focus on education and less on blogging. This one post took me several hours.

[embed]Glimpse in the Life of a Sub | by me

Thank you for reading.

And thank you, Writers’ Blokke.

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