Replacing Your Refrigerator Under Warranty Will Be The Greatest Challenge Of Your Life

Oh! I’m surprised you’re still here after seven hours.

Photo by BaljkanN 4 on Unsplash

Hello, I’m Tammy, tell me what’s been going on with your refrigerator. It’s not keeping anything cold? Hmm, that might indicate a problem. And the service technician told you it’s unfixable? Wow. Thank you for reaching out. As your GE customer service rep, I’m here to help, right after I put you through an intense psychological endurance test.

You’d expect the next step would be to exercise your warranty for a replacement. I wish it were that simple. Our claims department has already pre-rejected your warranty submission. (They do that the day you buy the fridge.)

Before I can do anything, I need to rule out the possibility of consumer misuse. Did you attempt to use the ice-maker with the door open?

Okay, I’ll put a note in the file requesting the report from your service technician. Will he see it? No, he’s an independent contractor and has no access to our case files. I have no way of actually reaching your service technician directly.

However, after I put a note in the file, my supervisor gets a notification. She then has 48 hours to respond by putting a note in a file that goes to her supervisor. He has 72 hours to respond to her note about my note requesting the report. If he approves the request, it goes to a whole other department who then contacts your service technician within 96 hours. Once they get the report, they enter it into the system and it works its way down to me.

Note, these time frames are merely targets. In reality, this process can take up to six months.

Yes, I’ll connect you to my supervisor. Before I put you on hold though, we do offer a callback option. We 100% guarantee the callback will occur while you’re sitting on the toilet.

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Oh! I’m surprised you’re still here after seven hours. Our extended wait times resolve 97% of our complaints. Most people give up and switch to shelf-stable food. You seem to have more determination than most. Which you’ll need because my supervisor said she’s permanently unavailable.

I can hear the frustration in your voice. Understandable. I give you the distinct impression that I’m on your side while simultaneously thwarting your every effort to obtain a working refrigerator.

Now you’re having trouble hearing me? Sorry, I’m required by company policy to make static noises with my mouth. If you call next week, I’ll sound as if I’m talking to you underwater.

Hold on! I just received the report from your service technician verifying that your refrigerator should be replaced under warranty! That’s amazing. It never happens that fast. I’m so happy for you. I love when good things happen to good people. I just need one last final approval from my supervisor, a rubber stamp really. Afterwards I’ll call you back with the details of your replacement.

• — — — — — — -

Hello, I’m Tammy, tell me what’s been going on with your refrigerator. No, sorry, I have no recollection of our conversation yesterday. Let me look up your case file. Ah, yes, here it is. Your claim for a replacement refrigerator has been denied.

Yes, I did tell you yesterday the replacement was approved but that was yesterday. The system unapproved you overnight. I don’t know why. The system is the system.

Are you yelling expletives? I’m willing to keep working with you for as long as it takes you to calm down and give up.

If you’d like, we could appeal the denial. I say “we” so it seems like we’re working together against our corporate overlords. We have a strong case but no customer in our 134 year history has ever succeeded in a successful appeal. You could be the first though.

• — — — — — — -

Hello, it’s me! Surprised? You thought you were contacting corporate headquarters, huh? All your calls are automatically routed back to me now. I’m your customer service rep for life.

It’s admirable how hard you’re trying to convince me to replace your refrigerator with arguments about ethics and corporate responsibility. While I may sound like an empathetic customer service rep, I am not. I’m not even human. I’m a robot designed by AI built in the most sophisticated factory ever created. This is a factory so advanced you’ll wonder why it can’t build a reliable refrigerator.

You’re done? Aw, too bad. I guess you’re not as determined as I thought. Yes, mental health is more important than a refrigerator. Would you like to be connected to our AI therapist?

Wait! Before you hang up, are you willing to participate in a quick survey? How satisfied were you with my help today in resolving your issue on a scale of 8 to 10?