Expressions of Mutism & Communication Barriers

I can’t explain it.

Why is it so hard?

Communication!

By far and large, communication deficits are my 99 problems. Human life revolves around relationships. Relationships absolutely mandate reciprocal communication of some form.

That is not to say the communication deficits are the core of autism. It feels, to me, that the core lies in the nervous system. The system that affects how we navigate our entire world.

I could argue the CNS is our world, but that is another topic altogether.

Despite any overwhelm we may be experiencing from the autistic mono-fragmented perception, allistics need to be able to read us in interactions. But with autism, we are not on the same playing field.

Sometimes, the field is like a cascade of sound confetti. Sometimes, I need more time for processing. Sometimes, those sounds trigger panic.

Every structure in our lives requires effective and timely communication. School, work, friendships, relatives, civic interactions…

Less than 50 years ago, children with developmental disabilities were still being placed in institutions. Denied an education due to our unique communication barriers. They had assumed nonverbal meant low IQ.

In big and small ways, communication barriers hinder successful interactions, learning, and cooperation.

For doctor appointments, I always put on my best “cheerful smiling girl” camouflage.

I stress over those, despite apparent speaking abilities, the effort to formulate a sentence is too heavy for the seamless flow of thoughts to words. I am misunderstood often. Medical staff are no exception.

Alogia: struggles with translating thoughts to words- stymied speech.

That’s the first problem.

I don’t know how to put into words the block between internal processing and pragmatic communication. I lack the translator. At least typing allows more time for thought and reordering.

Second comes the mouth.

Others may only notice an oddly dramatic accentuation here or there, paired with an odd gesture.

Deep down, I am frustrated that I can never fully express myself.

I’m trying to get over a speed bump. A hitch caught my thought.

Is that bump a physical barrier, or am I psyching myself out?

The Physical Barrier

Do you struggle with plosives? Ts and Ds are common snags. Sometimes my jaw feels tight. My muscles tense, just as the wrist does with handwriting.

Is this apraxia?

Phonemes blend. Sounds morph a little. I might clench during the ending. I come off negative.

Do you sometimes feel the need to force the next sound to come out? Does it cause you to stretch the vowels or overaccentuate?

(Reminds me of my tense muscles, as I write.)

And then people assume you are giving attitude, right? I feel you. That forced tone is like revving the gas to get going again.

It’s a grip that feels like getting stuck in mud.

I call it The Invisible Muzzle, and it can grip anything it wants.

I think it’s a muzzle monster gripping my nervous system.

The Mental Barrier

I get stuck on sounds in my mind, too. It feels like my sock has snagged the carpet, slowing me down. If we pretend my thought is a sock, the thought snags on invisible obstacles.

I try with all my might to communicate a thought, only to have the person respond with negativity. Often, I can’t figure out what went wrong.

I avoid interactions. Everyone expects ...

I don’t know what. I must think hard on my wording.

What if the poverty of speech is not just social anxiety, but a stubborn snag or repetitive looping, while offering very little new information?

Terribly repetitive. Sometimes I say the same sentence three times in a row. I tried to make a new point, but it kept coming out exactly the same. I am stuck!

Does expressive aphasia fit what I am describing? I don’t want to use the wrong label. Ideomotor apraxia? You should see my handwriting.

Proper Pragmatic Communication

uses meaning in a way that aligns with social expectations. It is heavily reliant on social context. Prioritizing the common assent over accuracy.

Which brings us to the needless stigmas thwarting me like landmines. The final problem.

What if I cannot predict the listener’s stigmas and I unintentionally offend? That happens. Why are allistics offended by so many neutral words?

I understand words. It is the common interpretations that differ from dictionary definitions, thwarting my understanding. It’s not logical.

Still, the sequencing and structure of language that will forever be my biggest hurdle.

I don’t know how to begin when sharing a thought. My thoughts are circular. They lay on top of one another.

I find it easier to play with language, to focus on the flow of sounds and rhythms. A cadence that sings.

My husband and I speak a one-word language that relies solely on pitch and cadence. It has aided our relationship immensely by taking away some of the pressure of communicating just right.

Other people do not know this special language.

Allistics rely heavily on shared experience to understand communication.

I don’t have the ability to knock down this wall and share in the experience.

My associations with words are more of an inside joke. Remnants of my private inner world.

In short, I want to get the right concept across, but I am unsure how to convey the message in a way the receiver will interpret with accuracy. And often when I try, I met by confusion as people cannot always understand me.

Hi. I’m Britt. I share my writing in hopes of finding others who experience similar snags in life. I have a deep drive to chase understanding farther and further down that hill until we uncover the cornerstone.