Stop saying these 5 things

Or don’t, and keep looking stupid

Photo by Saif71.com on Unsplash

In this fast-paced economy — just kidding! But stupid verbal trends do spread at an extremely fast pace. There is certainly a generational animosity towards the words, phrases, idioms, whatever the fuck you want to call all the stupid shit people say.

For instance, Gen X hates Millennials’ doggo, hubby, pupper; Gen Z’s bet and whatever else they say; I don’t listen. Millennials think Boomers’ groovy is lame. But there are some that, according to my research (mostly Reddit), are intergenerationally annoying.

And honestly, barely any word or phrase can make your body ache when it’s only said once or twice or (ok!) sparingly. But these phrases have been taken out of their cultural and thematic context, unnecessarily brought back from the dead by relentless social media trends, and used way too much, mostly by people of mediocre intellect, at best.

1. That will live in my head rent-free.

Oh yeah? Because something, or someone, pays you rent to exist in your head?! If you think so, you need to get your head checked!!!!

Apparently, Rabbi Twerski quoted a “wise man” in 1988: “Hanging on to resentments is letting someone you don’t like live rent-free inside your head,” and that should have been the single, lovely use of this metaphor. But then a columnist, Ann Landers, revived it in ‘99. It was forgotten again. All of a sudden, 20-something years later, it’s everywhere! If a trend dies twice within two decades, why bring it back again?! There was no need for the second coming of this phrase. Especially considering what a sensitive topic rent has become these days!

2. Not X doing Y

Why bother saying: not you saying stupid shit, when it is indeed you saying stupid shit? Is it supposed to express disbelief? Then why is it always used in the most lowkey (coming up in the list) situations?

“Not you eating your second ice cream in the 100-degree weather! Not me loving coffee! Not you spending your Saturday with your hubby and your pupper!”

What is so unbelievable about these situations?

I have yet to hear someone scream this phrase in a truly exceptional event like: not you getting hit by a bus! So if it’s meant to express disbelief while looking at everyday scenes of life, it’s just too cute! It’s too cute for 20-year-olds, it’s too cute for 30-year-olds, and if you are 40+, I hope you don’t need me persuading you not to use this meaningless, twisted way of speaking.

3. Tell me you do this without telling me you do this

There might have been a moment in the distant past two years when someone posted a really witty meme, and the Internet loved it. But since then it’s turned into another version of “not me loving coffee”-level of unremarkable and almost universally true occurrences being painted as something extraordinary.

Do people really need to see your mediocre life immortalized by yet another meme with a big coffee mug saying “tell me you love coffee without telling me you love coffee?” Everybody except for children or strange, damaged people loves coffee. We don’t need you telling us you do too, with or without telling us you do.

4. It’s giving ___

Agh… So many of you say this. All the time. And what’s truly tragic is that it’s always something stupid giving something even more stupid. And it’s always accompanied by an extra annoying tone of voice that goes up for no reason and extends the vowel sounds for also no reason.

My research papers show that a 56-year-old man has been verbally brutalized and forever mentally disfigured by a 14-year-old girl on Reddit, initially for not understanding this phrase, and once it was explained to him, for disliking it. The girl, who later claimed to be a 23-year-old man (and who also said things like “language evolves”), turned this into an event of biblical proportions and instructed the “old man” (the perpetrator's words, not mine) to keep shaking his liver-spot-covered fist at the sky.

5. Lowkey

This waste-of-a-breath word is often accompanied by something not at all lowkey:

“I lowkey like her.” “It was a lowkey wedding.” “I’m lowkey tired.”

Does this word exist to downplay every human emotion, feeling, and important scenario in life? God forbid, someone might “cringe” at our expressions of being human? The not-you-doing-this and the tell-me-you-do-this-without-telling-me-you-do-this people turn every single stupid moment of their lives into spectacle, and meanwhile the lowkey-people avoid any kind of acknowledgment of how important what they are going through might be? Is this a deeper-rooted psychological problem that we as a human species — just kidding!

Photo by Prateek Katyal on Unsplash

Pay attention to the fact that most of these phrases (maybe all, I don’t care enough to do more research) have been revived and made popular through social media. For all this, I blame Millennials!!! Just like every other generation, we could have had our own stupid words and let them die with us. But oh no! Our legacy, our contribution to civilization as the first social media generation, had to be memes, GIFs, online trends, and the revival of all the previous generations' stupid verbal trends. We, as Gen Z’s older sisters and brothers and friends, had to impart this nonsense upon them and have them continue on the same road of cognitive self-debilitation.

It’s giving stupid! But… not you not wanting to admit that stupidity has become trendy and not me, lowkey, allowing these stupid phrases to live rent-free in my head. Tell me I’m obsessed without telling me I’m obsessed.

P.S.: I wish to express my gratitude to Another Fucking Publication for being a place where the universally beloved (except for by fake goodie-goodies) and forever-trendy word “fuck” is welcome!