Famously Unengaged

A problem I have been encountering is a strong lack of connection to the life I lead. What kind of life is it that I lead you ask? A simple life that repeats the same pattern of waking up, walking to my living room and clocking into work where I sit for hours on end moving tickets. Occasionally, I work a part-time retail gig to welcome social time in my routine.

Outside of working most of my life is spent with no regularity. One day in a week I may see a friend. Each Wednesday my gaming group gets together online for three hours. I have no cohesive sense of self around my days. Each social environment is different than the others. The Self I put out at work is different than the Self I put before my gaming group, the Self is different still with each friend I spend in-person time with. The only thing that is consistent is work, which actively suffocates my brain. What am I even trying to accomplish? What is the point of this life I live each day? “What did I do last week?… Wait, wasn’t that last month?” I start to ask myself with increasing uncertainty. Time passes like rings in a tree trunk, quiet, until I look again and see how much time has passed. I am left with a decision that requires a commitment. Do I continue floating listless into the cosmos or do I allow myself to make a commitment to myself and decide on a path I will pursue?

Writing is one of the few parts of my day which bring me a pure level of joy. Even if it also is a struggle to bring the proper words to the forefront of my mind. I have to slow myself down more completely, more intently. If I don’t slow myself down my thoughts become a jumbled mess, slowing the thought process down is the first step toward bringing purpose to my life. At least in terms of my own daily output. These writings are something I am not even great at. Despite the occasional “Oh, this thought is deep!” My writing is a work in progress. A practice, which even still feels difficult to find the motivation to continue working toward. The listlessness curling its long narrow fingers over my arm. Begging me to stay a little longer.

pintrest: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/317644579954433874/

Despite the fear of what grasps me into stagnation. It is easier to not worry about what is around me. Easier to ignore my own needs. Easier still to just exist for another day without fear of something bad happening to me. Three years ago I sat in stagnation letting myself exist without a direction. I was afraid of what would be presented to me. Unsure how I could accomplish anything. I started taking improv classes and started traveling when I could financially afford it. I found the ease of stagnation was nothing but a lie. Stagnation tries to keep anything bad from happening. Though trying to be fulfilled is the opposite side of the coin. The coin of stagnation. Flip it and stagnation is mine, keep flipping to refuse anything new in life to keep a simplicity. A mind unmarred with scary events that only the subconscious creates. Though, what if I flip and it comes up with fulfillment will this be something that succeeds? I felt fulfillment when I started improv and traveling. I had a sense of purpose finally. I am urged to flip the coin again and again, staying with stagnation instead of moving toward fulfillment. The coin of fulfillment risks other new coins that I can’t visualize ahead of time. Maybe I will flip the stagnation coin one more time… It is familiar and something my mind is comfortable with… I feel a new coin in my pocket, this one less worn down…

This enters the metaphoric field I am stuck in, I can’t see other paths. I can’t see the stories I want to tell. I am struggling with something I lack the words or attention span for. Nevertheless I sit here now and write. I persist even now. Moving forward slowly as I try to learn new skills that help me process the world around me and within my sense of Self. Stagnation is a coin I keep in my pocket most days. Having friends who let me exist as I am. I start to notice which coins I’m carrying with me. There is that new coin. Do I dare take it out and flip it? Everything is a coin flip including how I respond to life around myself. This is what I have been finding. No matter how prepared I am for something, if I allow a mindset to remain within. It is like riding a bike through grass clippings. I might ride through without issue 100 times, until I get the 1 time I ride and the tire slips and take the handlebars around and crash the bike. I know through taking an intentional path my life is going to have moments of failure. I might ride through grass more often, thus increasing my likelihood of slipping and crashing. I think I might keep going for rides.